As I've mentioned in an earlier post, I am not a JW. My dear neighbor is. We get along so great, I was surprised when I learned that dubs were NOT supposed to have "worldly" friends.
This relationship kind of started by accident. We saw each other briefly a few times over the first years we lived here, but one day when I happened to chat just a little bit with her, I noticed she was NOT looking well. When I asked if she was truly alright... she just collapsed into tears. Troubles all around, mostly in marriage with a very abusive husband. (I can't give details, because I am learning that lurkers might even jeopardize this friendship!) The elders are failing her in regards to her husband. She is so frustrated with them. But she keeps hope in the org.
Over the past couple of years, we've hardly talked about religion. I didn't bat an eye when she first told me she was a witness --but only since I'd somehow had a clue about it earlier. More recently we've had some interesting discussions about doctrine, but I have tried to avoid that, at least for the beginning. What little I have discussed was asking her to give some supporting resources for the 607 BC date for the destruction of the temple. No word back about this yet....! Oh, and also I asked her some questions about how she felt about disfellowshiping, just so I could understand how she felt. (Wow, have I learned a lot about it from this board...) She felt certain that it was right to do, and especially since whoever got baptised KNEW that there would be a consequence like this... (which, come to think of it, since she was baptised well before 1980, she herself did not realize that this was a consequence she could bring upon herself.)
She recently told me that she had been waiting for ME to bring up religion. I was surprised to hear her say that, since JWs pounce on anyone (seems). But what I suspect is that she hopes she has found a REAL friend, and there's no strings attached here, and she doesn't want to rush into making me "reject" her or otherwise put a damper on our friendship. Of course, there isn't a disfellowshiping to be feared from me--but perhaps she might get threatened with it over having too close of a relationship! I don't know. She doesn't have to leave the dubs to be my friend.
She has several friends in her church, but I am almost certain that I am her best friend, since after a very bizarre turn of events landed her in jail a couple years ago, my husband and I were the only ones who bailed her out. And I am NOT bragging here, actually--she is such a enjoyable person, I invite her over often for coffee or lunch or dinner with my family (she has no kids). She has met almost all my relatives, and they love her, too. She's as old as my mom, and we are almost like sisters. Our prayer group at church know her by name, as we pray for her and her situation from time to time, and all look forward to meeting her there some day. She's got blinders the size of barns, but she's got a heart of gold. She takes anti-depressants, which I've just learned is not uncommon for JWs.
Now, I've talked with JWs before (even went thru their little book study thing 'way back in 1980's); I've spent some good (and some useless) hours talking with Mormons who come to my door. (Hey, if you come to my door, you have just given me permission to share with YOU. And I have done a lot of research for these doorknockers.) But this woman is truly my friend. She genuinely desires to serve God, I believe, and this is why we get along so well in spite of obvious differences. There are differences between these situations. If I am right, it will be a matter of time before she has a crisis of conscience.
I want to do all I can to help get free. It has been incredibly helpful for me to come to understand JW experiences, trials, fears, and other odds and ends (really ODD odds and ends, I might add!), so that I can recognize what she might be dealing with, and how I can be prepared to help her better at certain points. I have appreciated reading your thoughts and ideas very much.
Now here is my question to you folks who have nothing better to do than live online and read this.. If you could give advice about what a non-JW should do (realizing I'm not her relative), what would you say? Or, think about yourself, during the time you were an active JW. What attitudes, actions, or words do you think made the biggest difference to you, from non-JWs? Was it arguments? Was it something else? What acts of kindness seemed the most important to you? What should be absolutely avoided, if possible?
Here's an example. At one very difficult point last year, where there was no simple solution, I urged her to really pray about a matter, really asking direction from God. Now, lately reading here how elders just used a mantra of "more service, more prayer" as a bandaid fix for tough situations, I wonder if I just sounded like a broken record she's heard before. (I still think my advice for this instance was proper, and not a parroted line. But now I see how this may have triggered guilt for her.)
As for me, I really think demonstrating genuine love is most important.. I was a nominal Christian, until I met a guy in college who was the nicest, kindest person I'd ever met (he was married, and faithful to his wife--I was JUST a friend!). He was the most authentic Christian I'd ever met in my lfie. Was unashamed of Christ; and didn't give me a funny look because of my denomination (Catholic). Absolutely encouraged me simply to do the thing Christ would do. Made me feel able to speak honestly. After 4 months of working with this guy, I ended up prying out of him where he was going to fellowship! I'm not Catholic anymore due to some doctrinal disagreements, but I'm not anti-Catholic as I've met some pretty impressive Catholics since. The verse I can meditate on forever is, "Love Never Fails." ('Bernie' is still a walking saint._
...So again: What kind of actions/words/intervention do recommend for an outsider to help a JW friend? How would you answer, "If only somebody had...." (Or, "If only somebody hadn't..."?)
Because, I am somebody, and if you can please help me out, I'll try to help her "out" through your best input.
Thanks so much in advance.
bebu