Torn.

by mackey 6 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  mackey

  I went to see my JW object of affection yesterday after a two month absence and It didn't go well. The woman I love has become fearful of me and reluctant to speak to me. The look In her eyes told the whole story. It was a look I've seen far too many times and It eats away at my soul. It was a look of confusion and immence sadness. She Is being held prisoner by fear and guilt, and It Is destroying her.

  In my previous posts my only focus was to free her from this cult, but I am only one man, and cannot do It alone. I tried to do to much, too soon and It backfired, pushing her away. I can only pray that love Is enough to free her. My love Is the only love she has ever known and I have given and done more for her than anyone else. I have changed her views about people and how she feels about herself. She blames herself for causing me so much sadness, but I tell her It's not her fault. We all know who Is to blame. I ask her why she Is so guilt-ridden and fearful and she cannot answer, She doesn't know.

  This Innocent woman Is carrying an Immence burden of expectations that she cannot live up to and It is causing inner turmoil and conflict that Is making her feel unworthy and unable to trust me. I cannot stand by and watch this happen to her. I will do anything within In my power to remove the fear and guilt that have such a stranglehold on her. I have seen the happiness In her when I was able to remove that burden temporarily, when she was able to be "normal". My only focus now Is to remove It permanently. If I can accomplish that, the rest will follow.

  Though I have never been a JW, I feel like my future Is being stolen from me.This young woman does not understand love, yet she has shown me what It means and how powerful It truly Is. And for that, I will not give up on her.
• 

  lauralisa

  Mackey... you wrote:
  
  "I will do anything within In my power to remove the fear and guilt that have such a stranglehold on her. I have seen the happiness In her when I was able to remove that burden temporarily, when she was able to be "normal". My only focus now Is to remove It permanently. If I can accomplish that, the rest will follow"
  
  I believe that the power of the love you obviously have for her is enough. Please be careful, though, of attributing to yourself what she, herself, has done, and needs to do on her own.... your love for her will enable HER to find HER way "out."
  
  You can only support her in this. It is HER choice whether or not to lose burdens, feel normal, and learn how to lose the guilt and fear. HER choice.
  
  If you force her to make these choices - in order to hold on to your love - you won't be helping her...
  
  I am sorry to be so blunt, when you are so obviously hurting and raw. You have my compassion and complete understanding.... and wish you well in this situation where passion can cause feelings to run wild..
  
  With respect and care, lauralisa
• 

  JamesThomas

  Mackey, It's sounds from what you said, that your presence is painful for her. Sometimes love is letting go. Letting be. Not so much for our sake, but for the beloved. I am not just pulling these words out of my ass. I know, I had to learn to let go. In a way, true love is a continual letting go. True love is freedom itself. It asks nothing. It's present when needed and "seemingly" absent when not, though it always lives in our hearts. It takes no space and demands no walls or protection. Sometimes when I walk I feel the gentle breeze on my face and it takes my breath away. That gentle and sensual breeze is natures caress. An oh so lovely embrace of the love and freedom within the air we breath. Love is like a breeze. Yes, love is very much like that. JamesT
• 

  Jayson

  Torn

  
  Peace is what they tell me
  Love am I unholy
  Lies are what they tell me
  Despise you that control me
  The peace is dead in my soul
  I have blamed the reason for
  My intentions poor
  Yes I'm the one who
  The only one who
  Would carry on this far
  Torn, I'm filthy
  Born in my own misery
  Stole all that you gave me
  Control you claim you save me
  The peace is dead in my soul
  I have blamed the reason for
  My intentions poor
  Yes I'm the one who
  The only one who
  Would carry on this far
  

  Lyrics by Creed
• 

  Jayson

  Mackey,

  You can not fight another persons demons for them. Many people here have ways that can help you. There are so many books about cults, and mind control. But, sometimes in a dying relationship you can only save yourself.

  No doubt that most people can't get out on their own but, neither you or I can do it for them either. (I wish I could)

  I understand where you are and I am so sorry.

  Jay
• 

  onacruse

  (Mackey)

  "Love hopes all things," but as you say:

  This young woman does not understand love,

  It's a 2-way street, except in this case, it's a 3-way street: there's another "man" in her life, his name is WTS. Your love may pull her away from him, but stay aware that it could instead pull your own soul apart.

  Craig (also of the "been there" class)
• 

  xenawarrior

  mackey:

  I have been in your shoes. One thing I can tell you is that she must do this on her own. If she does leave it must be because it is what she wants to do. And even then it is a long road which may be more painful than it's all worth for you.

  I was involved with a JW man and every time he thought about being with me - unbeknownst to me at the time- the guilt he felt ate him up and he pushed me away. Until finally one day he pushed me away and I kept walking. Then he was left with himself and his faith. And he left on his own.

  Yipppeee right? Well in a way. I am very thankful that he is out- believe me. And he did come back to me- only to push me away once again. What happened is that he anchored his guilt TO ME. When we were together he felt guilty about being "in" and violating the rules even though he was struggling with the religion itself. He didn't see that- he saw me and I was "worldly" and that's all. When he came out- I still represented guilt but now it's different- it's guilt for leaving. Either way, I was/am an anchor to that religion because I got that close to him.

  Could that change for him over time? Perhaps. But I don't want to be a guilt trigger in the meantime nor do I want to be the vehicle through which he works through all of the "stuff" about leaving that religion. I don't want all of that stuff attached to me. It doesn't make for a very healthy base for a relationship. The emotional roller coaster that brings with it is a very hard thing on the heart. As much as I didn't want to - I said my final good-byes a few weeks ago and asked him not to contact me any more. And it's the best thing for me.

  I wish you well on this journey. It isn't an easy one and there are many traps to fall into which aren't set by either one of you. I'm not advocating that you walk away or anything- you have to follow your own path on this and only you will know what is best in your own situation.

  My best wishes to you.

  XW