"Forgiving Others May Do a Body Good"

by Jang 9 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Jang

  Many think that forgiving lets the offender off. It doens't. Forgiveness is for
  YOUR benefit, not the offenders'. Tihs article shows why.
  Jan

  http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/news/fullstory_627.html entitled
  "Forgiving Others May Do a Body Good"
  Reuters

  Monday, March 12, 2001

  By Amy Norton

  NEW YORK, Mar 12 (Reuters Health) - "Forgive and forget" may be more than
  a nice sentiment. New research suggests it is also good health advice.

  While some people may feel they have a right to hold grudges against those
  who hurt them, this unforgiving stance might take a toll on the body over time,
  according to a report in the March issue of Psychological Science. On the other
  hand, researchers say, granting forgiveness might help shield the body from
  certain harms.

  Simply put, harboring a grudge is stressful. The body has "sub-systems"
  designed to deal with stressors, but constantly putting them to the test can
  inflict some "wear-and-tear," Dr. Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet of Hope College in
  Holland, Michigan, explained in an interview.

  Indeed, some research has linked habitual anger, hostility and anxiety to
  a higher risk of heart problems. On the other hand, one recent study suggested
  that laughter boosts heart health.

  Theoretically, Witvliet said, people who routinely ruminate over past
  wrongs may "chip away" at their physical health.

  To measure the short-term effects of forgiveness and grudge-holding,
  Witvliet and her colleagues studied 71 men and women who described an experience
  in which a friend, family member or partner hurt them. They then had to follow
  scripts that simulated two conditions. In the "grudge condition," participants
  were prompted to "rehearse the hurt" and think about how the offenders should
  suffer for their transgressions. The "forgiveness condition" prompted
  participants to empathize with the offender and acknowledge that
  they, too, have hurt others.

  Throughout both conditions, Witvliet's team measured participants' blood
  pressure, heart rate and other physiological responses.

  The researchers found that when participants harbored grudges they
  reported more negative feelings, anger, sadness and a lack of control. What's
  more, their heart rates and blood pressure rose, and they showed greater nervous
  system activity.

  What these short-term responses mean to long-term health is unclear, but
  Witvliet said that making grudges a habit might harm cardiovascular health over
  time. In addition, she noted, stress has been found to impair the immune system.
  A compromised immune system may have a host of health consequences, including
  greater vulnerability to infection.

  While forgiveness was linked to better physical functioning in this study,
  Witvliet stressed that it is important for people to know what true forgiveness is.

  The study participants were not asked to excuse or ignore the behavior of
  those who hurt them, but instead take a "merciful stance" toward them, she
  explained.

  "It is certainly not about being a doormat," she said.

  SOURCE: Psychological Science 2001;12

  JanG
• 

  Tina

  Interesting view of forgiveness. Psychology has diverse stances on this issue.
  The above article is not the only way or option.
  In fact I take issue with this aspect,'forgiveness issue prompted participants to EMPATHIZE with the offender...."
  No,that's not right and doesn't truly benefit the victims.
  Forgivness means coming to terms with our rage and anger-relieving ourselves of the burden of carrying it around.

  But empathizing with the abuser is NOT a part of this.

  Forgiveness is a gift we give OURSELVES(not the abuser).
  We forgive by putting our healing and wellness first! And many times this includes terminating associations or relationships with abusers.
  We forgive by letting go of our connection with them-to suffer the consequences of their own behaviors and crimes.

  Forgiveness is the gift of freedom we gives OURSELVES to start mending to find our own worth and esteem,pursuing positive growth and change.
  Forgiveness is all about taking care of ourselves and in no way condones,ignores,excuses or empathizes with what anyone has perpetrated on us.
  I'm not knocking having the quality of empathy here. It's just that in many cases of abuse,the victim has an over-developed sense of it.
  It contributed by causing re-victimization in many cases.
  Keeping empathy at a healthy boundary level is empowering and is not always needed in the recovery and forgiveness process.
  Just MHO,FWIW,Tina
• 

  JanH

  Hmm, interesting. i totally agree about coming to terms, and get rid of rage to heal yourself.

  But there are two different definitions of "forgive", closely related. It is something you do yourself, as a way to bring closure.

  But mostly, people think about the word "forgive" as communicating to the offender the idea that the trespasses has been forgotten and are behind them, so to say. In serious matters, I see no reason to do this. The world is big enough to avoid assholes, so you don't have to risk the same happening again. That's my way, anyway.

  - Jan
  --
  Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. [Ambrose Bierce, The Devil´s Dictionary, 1911]
• 

  Tina

  Hi Jan,
  Exactly!! That's why terminating association/communication (after resolving the anger) can be important in forgiveness. Like you said,it's a big world out there, those who forget the past are doommed to repeat it. No one needs toxic abusers in their lives.
  So forgiveness isn't about forgetting,just neutralizing the angry emotions that went with the event. And moving on.
  The abuser sees that is the consequence of their action.
  And that's why I think empathy does more harm then good as it promotes an emotional connection that is definitely not to the victims good. Thanks for the input,hugs,Tina
• 

  Introspection

  We were talking about forgiveness in the mental health forum, and I think the key is to put the past behind you. Certainly, you don't pretend that nothing has happend, or that "it's okay", but you accept the fact that it has happend and where you are at right now. On one level, you don't want to subject yourself to further abuse, which is why we leave the WTS. But to look at it another way, it seems that being personally identified, considering ourselves victims and they the abusers does kind of draw you back into that thinking pattern.

  Certainly empathy may open one up to be vulnerable, but I think as long as you understand your emotions it wouldn't be a problem. For example, no doubt we can see in many the confusion and conflict we once felt, and we could understand that they just don't know any better. This doesn't mean what they do is right or that they're not responsible for it, but it does put things in perspective. We can just move on without giving much thought to the other person's state of mind, but it seems to me that's part of the lesson. You may avoid further abuse by trying to separate yourself physically, but I'd think ultimately it's by understanding that dynamic that you will learn to avoid it wherever you find it, rather than just those you've already identified as abusers.
• 

  Tina

  Hi Intro,
  I use the word victim regarding a specific event. I agree one doesn't remain a victim,that's not healthy thinking.
  After the actual act by the perpetrator(whether it be wts or specific people in our lives) upon resolving the issue,one moves on to survivor. We have no power to change others,only ourselves and how we see the global picture. Although many times in changing ourselves, it gives impetus for others to adjust their behavior,hopefully positive,but like you said,that's not our concern anyway.
  Recovery and resolution are all about empowering ourselves. In achieving that one no longer is a victim or susceptible to re-victimiztion. We hope to have integrated on both a cognitive and emotional level the skills for this. I just don't believe empathy is a need aspect for this resolution. Thanks and regards,tina
• 

  Jang

  I take issue with this aspect,'forgiveness issue prompted participants
  to EMPATHIZE with the offender...."
  No,that's not right and doesn't truly benefit the victims.
  Forgivness means coming to terms with our rage and anger-relieving
  ourselves of the burden of carrying it around.

  Having "empathy" is stated as being the opposite of "holding a grudge" Tina.
  Empathy is having understanding and insight ..... accepting that we ourselves can do
  the wrong thing also.

  By having such empathy does not mean you should renew a dangerous relationship
  and put yourself in danger. On the contrary, by having such insight you would be better
  able to understand how to keep yourself away from similar situations in the future.

  It is when we are involved in holding a grudge that we are so preoccupied by this that
  we are more likely to repeat the type of relationship.

  JanG
• 

  Tina

  Hi Jan,
  I agree about not holding a grudge that's what letting go is all about.
  Empathy by its very definition tho,doesn't belong to part of the forgiving process....it's not understanding and insight.
  Empathy is the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so as to experience vicariously the feelings,thoughts and experience of another.
  Infusing oneself with the perpetrator is a heavy emotional investment,and not at all necessary to the healing and forgiveness process and actually wastes energy that can be better used for self.
  I know many in the mh field who use this stance,with very positive results.
  Understanding and insight are not necessarily the product from having empathy. These come with self exploration,and working thru issues. Tina
• 

  Jang

  That is only one way you can define empathy Tina. Try and think along the line of the
  following definitions.

  Empathy is :
  Being able to identify with and understand another’s situation, feelings, and motives
  A powerful way to connect with another person.
  To recognize that other people are beings like ourselves

  War and slavery are an utter abandonment and betrayal of the principle of empathy.

  If we can identify with another, and recognize they are people like ourselves we have empathy.

  We don't have to have deep empathy Tina, just the common empathy that stops us all from
  killing each other when we get frustrated :)

  JanG
• 

  patio34

  Hi all,

  I think the article was polemic. It presented only two sides, either forgiveness or nursing a grudge and reliving the hurt. There are many other options as Tina and JanH have eloquently stated. The article was in the class of "have you stopped beating your wife?"

  Patio