"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."
I recently realized that the biggest bully in my life was my mom with WT has co-abuser. I was constantly told how people would pick on me for my weight and religion. Constantly informed that if I lost weight I could go to a real store(not a thrift) and have a shopping spree. If anyone questioned why I didn't "celebrate", they were just persecuting me. I didn't deserve nice stuff on my fat body. Any normal kid stuff was immediately blown up as persecution and I know it warped me measurably and immeasurably. My mom would say I walked "too slow". So thus taking any joy out of moving at all when the message was I couldn't even WALK right. My feet both broke later and I have had consequences to my gait. My mom and sisters both comment rudely about what other people think(am I drunk or retarded-their words!)-to this time of my life-im 50. My sis does the same thing to her not thin daughter. Little digs, all the time.
My mom let me know when my pantyhose size was bigger than hers! When I lost weight, no matter what I weighed, it was always fake concern.
Still so heavy or too thin.
Looked sick.
Why no makeup?
I remember few child bullies, but my mom was the one that lived in my house and in my head. My sister, to a lesser degree, was both her victim and now fellow perpetrator. My dad is the the only reason I had any self worth as a child and he gave me enough common sense to know things were not right, even if I couldn't always articulate them. He is the reason I recognized the ugliness of the org, if only because he was the main adult in my life who wasn't a JW, but he wasn't some animalistic, Satan worshiping reprobate or fake person that the WT told us worldly people were. He was a hero and the best of men and never ever was JW. Not perfect, but perfectly wonderful human being. Later, my aunt Sharon, who actually had some low confidence herself, still managed to be another 'worldly" person who made the WT propaganda out for the lie that it is. She is an encourager. I knew they were real, not fake. Not perfect, but truly kind people with no agendas to put others down. My mom has good stuff in her, but I'm not a fluffy dog or a JW or the daughter she wanted, so I'm missing the benefit of her good parts.
Most people are not interested in picking on me, fat, skinny, hijabi, modest, immodest, disabled or strong. Whether I celebrate every holiday or salute the flag. The ones that are can carry the ugliness with them, I assume the best of you until you prove otherwise, because most people are not judging others as much as they are judging themselves.
So, I trip through life slightly awkwardly and I'm enjoying the view as I travel it. I hope you do too because we just get the one life and damn it, you don't get to stumble me!
