Any advice for my situation?

by rathernotsay 9 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  rathernotsay

  Hey, this community was so helpful last time I didnt know how to handle a situation years ago, and here i am all theae years later back on here asking for some advice again on how to handle a certain situation with my kids

  Little bit of backstory.. I'm an non JW, been divorced from my ex wife (practicing JW) for about 6 years now. Have 3 kids 7, 10, 13.

  Shared custody roughly 45 me / 55 her. I have a new partner, recently engaged, been together 5 years, she has a 7yo. Ex wife is also recently engaged, to another practicing JW, met a few month ago, he has 3 kids 14, 9, 6. His ex wife died last year.

  So in the last few weeks my kids have been telling me different stories as to what's happening with the wedding and them moving in together. The latest was that they were all moving into her small rental after the wedding in a few months time. Moving caravans etc onto the property for the kids. I'm not comfortable about this. I sat down with her yesterday and told her that im not happy about her plans as I don't feel this is suitable accommodation long term for my kids, that I wasnt comfortable with my 7yo daughter sharing with a 14yo girl she doesnt really know, and that given I have plenty of room at my place, I feel as if its time I stood up and had the kids the majority of the time, and if she didn't agree, and wasn't able to offer an alternative living situation for the kids, that I'm prepared to pursue the legal route (not that I'm entirely sure where I stand here yet). I guess I'm just asking for advice here about what kind of response this is going to get from a JW perspective?

  Also when we sat down and talked yesterday we discussed that I have let our eldest do the online meetings from my home. This was one way I thought it may help him feel loved and accepted at my home too, as he is the only one of our 3 showing any real interest in JW. However just over the years, since our divorce she has gone deeper and deeper. I used to be able to keep it under control when we were married, but not it's allcover every wall in her house etc, but what has concerned me is that I'm hearing particularly from our 10yo things like that she's banned him from a school approved game because it has wizards. I feel now is probably the next best time since besides yesterday to put a stop to any JW activity in my home. I told her that it's been all take and no give in this regard so given there is now 8 of them and another male JW influence in their lives that im going to speak to our eldest and say no more. I havent done this yet, but any advice from you guys before I do?

  Thanks, and sorry for the long winded story, just a young (ish) dad trying to do the best I can for my family x
• 

  TxNVSue2023

  How yourEx wife lives her life is not of your concern. Get rid of your selfish controlling ego and let it go. It's not worth your energy nor is it your place. Focus on your own relationships & your own life.
• 

  rathernotsay

  I asked myself if I was being controlling here, I don't think I am. I sincerely hope it all works out for the best. I'm just not happy about 8 people iving in a tiny 3 bedroom. And I'm in a position to offer my kids better than that
• 

  LV101

  RNS - find a very good family law attorney and protect your children. Children need to have supervision/protection of a parent or guardian at all times and not camping outside with other children in caravans. Might need a court-appointed family therapist to advise re/WT activities. I think most states have joint custody provisions.
• 

  stan livedeath

  @rathernotsay

  ignore the comments from txnv sue--he/she is just a recently arrived shit stirring troll.

  You need to find the best lawyer you can afford. The cult will try to turn your kids against you--take that from one who lost 2 of his kids that way--many years ago. I have grandchildren ive never met--dont even know their names.
• 

  rathernotsay

  This I what I'm scared about, them now turning the kids against me. I've never felt like she has really, she always encouraged a good relationship and has never really argued over my having the kids half the time. But that could all be about to change. I'd really rather avoid lawyers but I guess thats up to them if they want to try and argue that my place is less suitable which it truthfully isn't. This isn't really even about anything JW but I've been around it long enough to know that there's elders that like to stick their noses in etc... should of seen what they were like when I decided to leave her!
• 

  NotFormer

  Agreed, ignore Sue. She doesn't represent the majority of people here. Many are exes who've been through similar difficulties to your own.

  You have every right to try to protect your children from their entitled, controlling mother. She doesn't have their best interests at heart; she only cares about looking good to her congregation. The JWs are evil, so what is good in their eyes is usually evil.

  Sue, blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. You came here looking for care and support, and now you just crapped all over someone who is in a similar situation. Pray that God doesn't judge you the way you just judged rathernotsay, the OP. 🙄
• 

  My Name is of No Consequence

  @ rathernotsay

  I’m not a huge fan of attorneys, but in this case, I think you need to talk to one.
• 

  PetrW

  I think it's difficult to give you advice. I only know about your children's situation in your ex-wife's new family from your description. Your children would also have to express themselves directly, as well as the new partner and his children. This is all important information that is missing.

  Just because you don't like something doesn't mean it's wrong. Children can temporarily experience discomfort and still be happy. It really depends on what the actual situation is in getting the six children together. And there are bound to be problems, even if they live in a big house.

  I would maintain contact, but I would encourage your own children to acknowledge the new reality, rather than you - well-meaning - comforting your children, undermining the authority of your ex-wife's new partner. He will also have to raise his voice to your children at some point, to decide that this or that ends or begins. And your children may not like that and will complain to you. But he may have been right at the time, which again, you don't know. Or he could have made a parenting mistake, just like you, but he'd be doubly responsible for one mistake...

  That's why I think Sue was right: focus on your new family. Maintain good, trusting relationships with your children, but don't undermine the authority of the new parents. You need help, I think, because this is a very sensitive area.

  After all, imagine the same interference in your new relationship, from your wife's ex-partner - if he were to send a lawyer to yours - as others advise you. It only exacerbates the situation...

  "What you want people to do to you, you do to them", said a famous ancient philosopher.

  It has almost nothing to do with JWs. Catholics, Protestants, Muslims, Hindus, Chinese Communists or atheists deal with the same family constellation.
• 

  LV101

  Call your state bar association for attorney referrals and check w/friends, co-workers, etc. Sounds like your children are too young to be questioned re/custody preferences -- not sure of your son's age but a judge isn't going to let a pre-teen or child make critical decisions. Family law courts even set up online communication re/childrens' visitation schedules -- anything important to oversee difficult cases. All a judge is concerned about is the welfare/livelihood of the children.