Jdub Jokes

by gitasatsangha 6 Replies latest social humour

• 

  gitasatsangha

  q: What do you get when you cross a JW with an Octopus?

  a: I don't know but it sure can clean homes for a living!

  HOW TO GET RID OF A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS
  When they ask, "Can I talk to you about God?" Reply, "Sure, what would you like to know?"
  Answer the door with a bloody knife and say, "I'm sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet."
  Answer the door with an automatic weapon and say 'Allah be Praised!
  Ask them for their address. When they ask why you want it, claim that you want to appear on their doorstop univited so that you can peddle your own beliefs.
  Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.
  Tell them you already have your own religion. When they ask what it is, wince a little before confessing, "er, I'm not sure if it's legal in this country
  A chalk outline of a human body on the pavement, and a few copies of "The Watchtower" scattered around...
  

  On the first day for new Bethelites, Dan Sydlik points out some of the rules.

  "The female residences will be out-of-bounds for all male Bethelites, so too the male residences to any female Bethelites. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 from your allowance the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180."

  "Are there any questions?"

  At this, a Bethelite in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

  Sister Annie Righteous was engaged to Brother Bill Faithful. The'd both grown up in the truth together, at the same congregation, and marriage seemed to be the next logical step. There weren't many fish in this sea, anyway. However, unbeknownst to Bill, Annie was in fact far from being a virgin, having lived a double life. The night before the wedding she called her best friend Ruth Thankful. She explained the problem to Sister "Thankful". "Oh that happens to us all, Sister Righteous. Here's what to do. First, go to the grocery store.."

  After wedding rehearsal she went home and stopped at Kroger's, buying a package of fresh liver. The next morning she got ready and slid all of the liver into her box hoping for the best.

  After a loveley wedding and alchohol free reception, Bill took Annie away for the honeymoon. That night in a roadside motel they rendered each other the marital due at least four times, in various positions and places.

  Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She smiles and thinks, "Oh he must have went out to get breakfast for us." Then she finds a letter on the nightstand..

  "Dear Annie,
  It pains my heart to say this, but I think we must both admit that despite our love for each other, and despite making vows to remain married before Jehovah, we are simply too different. I don't see how it could work out. I wish you all the best, but I am going back to live with my mother.

  Love Forever,
  Bill Faithful

  (P.S. Your vagina is in the sink)
• 

  shamus

  This one implies a swear, so if you can't handle it, MOVE ON.

  What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hells Angel?

  Someone who comes to YOUR DOOR and tells you to f*! off.
• 

  Holey_Cheeses*King_of_the juice.

  What have you got with a jaydub buried up to his neck in wet concrete?

  Not enough concrete.

  cheeses the comedian.
• 

  blondie

  Jehovah's Witness PuppiesA young boy was walking along the road with puppies in a wagon. He was walking by a Kingdom Hall where a district overseer stood outside on the grass. Curious, the district overseer asks "What kind of puppies are those?" In reply the boy said: " They're Jehovah's Witness puppies". The district overseer chuckled and the boy was on his way. The same boy walked by the kingdom hall once more and the district overseer this time was standing with some elders. The district overseer said "Watch this" and asked again "What kind of puppies are those?" The boy this time said "Catholic Puppies." The district overseer, shocked, said, "I thought you said they were Jehovah's Witness puppies." The boy said "Yeah, but today their eyes opened!"

  Acronym for Jehovah's Witnesses: Jamming Every Halldoor Or Vestibule Aperture, Heavy Session With Interminable Theology Nutcase. Eventually Successfully Slam Entry Shut.

  Newbie: What exactly is the "good news of the kingdom" for Witnesses? Is it like, everyone is forgiven for everything and God loves us, and stuff like that?
  JW: Not exactly. Basically the good news is just for us - that we're not included in the 99.9% of the world's population who are going to be slaughtered for not submitting in every way to the organization.

  Two Mormon missionaries were walking down the street when they ran into two Jehovah's Witnesses coming directly at them from the opposite direction. The elders stopped, and one of the Jehovah's Witnesses said, "We don't move for false witnesses."
  One missionary said, "We do," and they went around them.
• 

  Angharad

  I already posted this in the bad jokes thread, but what the hell.

  A man arrives at the gates of heaven. The Archangel asks, "Religion?"
  The man says, "Methodist."
  The Archangel looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
  Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"
  "Baptist."
  "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
  A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
  "Jewish."
  "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
  The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
  The Archangel tells him, "Well, the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."
• 

  funkyderek

  Q. What do you get if you cross a JW with an atheist?

  A. Someone who knocks on your door to talk about nothing.

  Q. What's the difference between a JW and a Yugo?

  A. You can shut the door on a JW.
• 

  blondie

  This is from Jeff Foxworthy: YOU MIGHT BE A JEHOVAH'S WITNESS IF.... If "pioneer" is not a stereo, "new light" is not something in the housewares department, and "tract" has nothing to do with land or farming. If you know when Nisan 14 of the Jewish calendar lands in the Gregorian calendar from year to year, and yet you commonly forget your own birthday. If "Memorial Day" isn't in May. If you spent days at a baseball stadium, never saw a ball, and didn't even have a beer. If you think "formal clothing" and "civic center" belong in the same sentence. If you wash windows or cars for a living and still own five suits. If you think nothing of letting your friends stop by to use the bathroom. If you know the cleanliness of every coffee shop for four towns around. If you think 2-door vehicles aren't really cars. If you go to Home Depot and go down the aisle where doors are displayed and you feel compelled to knock on them. If you can't buy a pair of shoes without thinking about how comfortable they will need to be while walking residential streets in 95-degree heat. If you have a tendency to refer to books by color instead of by title. If you have a shelf just for 192-page books. If you can't pick up a book, or anything else to read, without picking up a pencil or highlighter too. If you think it is complimentary to refer to someone as "a study". If you have "get-togethers" rather than "parties". If, after one of such "get-togethers" at your home, your house is not a mess and you have more food than when you started. If you realize things are getting worse, and you're thrilled.