I think I know why God hasn’t been around for a while. He's been shipped off to the celestial nursing home to chew on manna rusks. This shouldn’t be a surprise. The old boy has been losing it for thousands of years, if the Bible is anything to go by.
Expatbrit
Gasp! You can tell good from evil? That’s alright then.
Knowing good from evil is evil
Genesis 2
15 The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. 16 And the LORD God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die."
Knowing good from evil is good
Hebrews 5
13 Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. 14 But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.
My omniscience isn’t what it used to be
Proverbs 15
3 The eyes of the LORD are everywhere, keeping watch on the wicked and the good.
Genesis 4
9 Then the LORD said to Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?"
Genesis 18
20 Then the LORD said, "The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great and their sin so grievous 21 that I will go down and see if what they have done is as bad as the outcry that has reached me.
What do you mean, Nephilim can swim?
Genesis 7
21 Every living thing that moved on the earth perished-birds, livestock, wild animals, all the creatures that swarm over the earth, and all mankind.
Numbers 13
33 We saw the Nephilim there (the descendants of Anak come from the Nephilim). We seemed like grasshoppers in our own eyes, and we looked the same to them."
No-one is righteous. Except maybe….
Romans 3
10 As it is written:
"There is no one righteous, not even one;
Except Noah….
Genesis 7
1 The LORD then said to Noah, "Go into the ark, you and your whole family, because I have found you righteous in this generation.
….and Job…..
Job 2
3 Then the LORD said to Satan, "Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright,
…..and lots of other people too…..
1 John 3
6 No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.
7 Dear children, do not let anyone lead you astray. He who does what is right is righteous, just as he is righteous.
I love order, let’s mess it up!
1 Corinthians 14
33 For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.
Genesis 11
9 That is why it was called Babel [1] -because there the LORD confused the language of the whole world.
Iron? You didn’t tell me they had iron!
Luke 1
37 For nothing is impossible with God."
Judges 1
19 The LORD was with the men of Judah. They took possession of the hill country, but they were unable to drive the people from the plains, because they had iron chariots.
Old wotsisname
Genesis 35
10 God said to him, "Your name is Jacob, [1] but you will no longer be called Jacob; your name will be Israel. [2] " So he named him Israel.
Genesis 46
2 And God spoke to Israel in a vision at night and said, "Jacob! Jacob!"
A horse! A horse!
Exodus 9
3 the hand of the LORD will bring a terrible plague on your livestock in the field-on your horses and donkeys and camels and on your cattle and sheep and goats. 4 But the LORD will make a distinction between the livestock of Israel and that of Egypt, so that no animal belonging to the Israelites will die.' "
5 The LORD set a time and said, "Tomorrow the LORD will do this in the land." 6 And the next day the LORD did it: All the livestock of the Egyptians died, but not one animal belonging to the Israelites died.
Exodus 14
9 The Egyptians-all Pharaoh's horses and chariots, horsemen and troops-pursued the Israelites and overtook them as they camped by the sea near Pi Hahiroth, opposite Baal Zephon.
I didn’t lie, I just changed my mind!
Titus 1
2 a faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life, which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time,
Numbers 14
30 Not one of you will enter the land I swore with uplifted hand to make your home, except Caleb son of Jephunneh and Joshua son of Nun.
This sin business is a little tricky
Deuteronomy 24
16 Fathers shall not be put to death for their children, nor children put to death for their fathers; each is to die for his own sin.
Romans 5
12 Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned--
But I didn’t have my hearing aid in!
1 Samuel 28
6 He [Saul] inquired of the LORD , but the LORD did not answer him by dreams or Urim or prophets.
1 Chronicles 10
13 Saul died because he was unfaithful to the LORD ; he did not keep the word of the LORD and even consulted a medium for guidance, 14 and did not inquire of the LORD . So the LORD put him to death and turned the kingdom over to David son of Jesse.
This makes no census
2 Samuel 24
1 Again the anger of the LORD burned against Israel, and he incited David against them, saying, "Go and take a census of Israel and Judah."
1 Chronicles 21
1 Satan rose up against Israel and incited David to take a census of Israel.
Time off for good behaviour
1 Kings 15
5 For David had done what was right in the eyes of the LORD and had not failed to keep any of the LORD's commands all the days of his life-except in the case of Uriah the Hittite.
2 Samuel 24
10 David was conscience-stricken after he had counted the fighting men, and he said to the LORD , "I have sinned greatly in what I have done. Now, O LORD , I beg you, take away the guilt of your servant. I have done a very foolish thing."
11 Before David got up the next morning, the word of the LORD had come to Gad the prophet, David's seer: 12 "Go and tell David, 'This is what the LORD says: I am giving you three options. Choose one of them for me to carry out against you.' "
You call this peace?
Jeremiah 34
4 " 'Yet hear the promise of the LORD , O Zedekiah king of Judah. This is what the LORD says concerning you: You will not die by the sword; 5 you will die peacefully.
Jeremiah 52
10 There at Riblah the king of Babylon slaughtered the sons of Zedekiah before his eyes; he also killed all the officials of Judah. 11 Then he put out Zedekiah's eyes, bound him with bronze shackles and took him to Babylon, where he put him in prison till the day of his death.
Bugger the Holy Spirit….
Acts 16
6 Paul and his companions traveled throughout the region of Phrygia and Galatia, having been kept by the Holy Spirit from preaching the word in the province of Asia.
Acts 19
8 Paul entered the synagogue and spoke boldly there for three months, arguing persuasively about the kingdom of God. 9 But some of them became obstinate; they refused to believe and publicly maligned the Way. So Paul left them. He took the disciples with him and had discussions daily in the lecture hall of Tyrannus. 10 This went on for two years, so that all the Jews and Greeks who lived in the province of Asia heard the word of the Lord.