Do you dance around people's feelings?

sandy

Are you afraid to tell people how you really feel or what you really think of them or their actions?

Are you afraid to hurt people's feelings and therefore refrain from giving them advice or constructive criticism.

happyout

My rule is, I only give advice when someone asks. That also applies to unsolicited opinions, unless it's a compliment, I tend to keep my mouth shut.

However, once you open the door to me, I am honest. Not mean, but honest. I won't call you an idiot (even if I think you are being one), but I will say something like "you are making choices that are not in your own best interest". Or, "maybe you aren't aware how it comes across to others when you.....". I try to be nice, because that's how I want people to be with me.

Happyout

sf

No and no.

sKally

LyinEyes

Oh yeah, definatly. I am afraid to make someone made, or upset or to hurt someone's feelings. Being a JW, I kept to myself alot,,,,I learned to not tell too much of how I really felt or show my emotions.

When I came to this site after leaving the borg, I was afraid to get to close to people, I have always been afraid to care too much for some people and then lose their friendship. I still am working on that, I am not as outspoken to new friends , and I guess I mean even ones I have known a year, as I really should be. I am still afraid to lose them as friends, even thou I know a true friend will not disown me for my opinons, it still makes me nervous.

After years of keeping your feelings, thoughts and words all to yourself, it is hard to learn to trust again. But I really think we enrich our lives when we find people we can talk to about anything and maybe even at times not see eye to eye on every little thing, and sometimes even have conflicts with. In the end true friends will stand by you regardless of your ideas and opinions on things, even if they are way differnt than theirs......I am still trying to tell myself this all the time, but still a little afraid .

This is a very good topic , because I think alot of us hold back because we have been so engrained to, to protect ourselves I guess.

Lady Lee

I used to

It has taken me a while to find tactful ways to express my feelings, take responsibility for them and still let the other person know how I feel without getting upset, hurt or angry.

Stay calm
Be really clear myself what I think or feel before talking to the other person
Start by saying "I think..." or "I feel...." statements seem to work the best for me.
Keep it simple
Don't apologize for how I feel anymore.
Remember to breathe if they aren't "getting it"
Don't get into name calling or put-down - always be respectful
Stay on track and remind then to do the same "I hear what you are saying but can we please get back to the point we were talking about? We can deal with that later." seems to work for me too
Repeat what I want to say as many times as needed without adding to it.

And sometimes I decide it just isn't worth it and walk away

Ghost of Esmeralda

lady lee, what a fabulous, simple, perfect post! I swear I'm going to print that out, put one by the phone, and one in my wallet to keep with me so that I can look at it when I'm on the spot! Thanks for that!!!

I don't dance around people's feelings anymore. I used to, but I just can't anymore. If I do, and try to stuff down my own feelings, I suffer physical consequences. My health is not good enough to allow me the luxury. That doesn't mean, of course, that I have to be unkind about it.

My sister (the one who still talks to me occaisionally) told me recently that I had "committed the last, truest crime" as far as my family was concerned. I asked what that was? and she replied "Asking the questions no one wants to answer, and telling the truth about things no one wants to see." I can't lie anymore, about my feelings, or about those of others when I know what they are and they are dancing around admitting it.

That makes some people uncomfortable, but at least my real friends really know ME and not some ultra polite yes woman, that's who I was during my JW days, but never will be again.

hugs

Essie

Lady Lee

Essie

I used to, but I just can't anymore. If I do, and try to stuff down my own feelings, I suffer physical consequences. My health is not good enough to allow me the luxury.

Exactly I can't do that anymore either so have learned to speak up or get out

Reborn2002

To anyone on this discussion board that knows my personality, I would say my answers to your questions are without question:

Are you afraid to tell people how you really feel or what you really think of them or their actions?
Are you afraid to hurt people's feelings and therefore refrain from giving them advice or constructive criticism?

A resounding NO, and NO.

sandy

Yes I know Reborn; I have been following your feud with Princess on the Dixie Chicks topic. LOL

beckyboop

No, and no. I certainly don't deliberately try to hurt other people, but I'm not afraid to speak up when necessary, and I am very grateful when my friends are honest with me. Sometimes the truth hurts (as WE all know), but we still need to hear it. Isn't that the way we truly grow?

Becky

Do you dance around people's feelings?

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