"Dead man walking", my resurrection

by MissFit 9 Replies latest jw experiences

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  MissFit

  As a JW, did you ever just resign yourself to being destroyed at Armageddon because you knew you werent worthy?

  For almost half my life I felt like I was under a death sentence- "a dead man walking." I was my judge, jury and executioner.  Last year I set on journey that freed me from my death sentence.   I was resurrected from my walking death by finding out the truth about the truth.

  As a near born in- raised JW, I knew the score.

  Every meeting I attended, reminded me of my vast short comings.  

  I knew I was not worthy.  I  choose to marry a non-believer.  I choose him over my god, I was not obedient.  Worse I didn't wait for my wedding night.  I was not worthy to be in paradise.

  In my heart I just knew that I had turned my back on  Jehovah.

  I tried to make a life for myself, all the while waiting silently for annihilation.

  After a couple of years, I confessed my sins to the Elders, and was deemed repentant and assigned a sister to study with.

  Thus began many years of struggle to be worthy.  

  I could never get into a spiritual routine.  I think I managed to stay active for 2 years.  I never felt the joy or spiritual fulfillment I was expecting.

  I tried because the fate of my children depended on me.  Its one thing to condemn myself, but my children deserved paradise.

  It turned out they didn't believe.  How can I live while they are destroyed? 

  No. We will be condemned together.

  I was resigned  to my fate until I stumbled on this site.  My eyes were opened and I was able to see that I had been blinded by lies and fear.

  My future is now.  I no longer live under a cloud of expectant execution. 

  
  
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  MissFit

  I hope to hear from others that were physically out or maybe inactive but had decided they were not worthy of being in paradise.

  I never realized how much of a burden I was carrying until I was freed from that mind set.  

  Miss.Fit
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  cappytan

  When I was inactive but still believed in the organization, I occasionally struggled with feelings of worthlessness, but never thought I wouldn't make it to Paradise.

  I always held a slightly different opinion of Grace. I felt that Jehovah could read my heart, that he knew I was a good person that was imperfect and sincerely tried to keep his righteous standards. 

  I even convinced myself at one point that if I committed suicide, I could just jump to paradise because "the reader of hearts" knew what I was going through and that the wages sin pays are death, so I would have already paid for my sins. I was moments away from pulling the trigger on my Glock during that dark time. I had the barrel in my mouth. But, all I could think about were my kids. I couldn't leave them alone without my help.

  This was all years before I started waking up to TTATT.

  Now, my main struggle is that I am seeing the real truth, but the side of my brain that is still hardwired for JW thoughts tries to weigh me down by making me feel guilty and like I am falling victim to Satan.

  I'm not saying I don't believe in Paradise anymore. But I certainly don't believe that a God of Love would deny someone entry into a paradise for seeking truth in life.
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  MissFit

  Cappytan: I am so sorry you went through such a dark time.  I am glad you had your children to hold on to.   That must have really been a wake up call.   How did you recover?  Did you get professional help to  pull you up?

  I went through a dark time last year also.  I think the main thing that saved me was the fact that I didnt have an easy way to do it handy.  I never thought of using my husband's gun.  I didnt have pills on hand.  I was actively thinking of ways.   The thought of my daughter helped.  I got good advice and support from this community and saw a doctor.   

  That is the danger of our thinking this life is a temporary way station, our present life is devalued.
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  WhoLovesMagic

  Misfit:  

  I could have written your post, we have the same story.... Other than the fact I am a 3rd gen born in.

  I merely went through the motions for the sake of my children's lives as I felt condemned.  My heart was bad, I found no joy in meetings or service.  My only hope was that my children would be spared while I perished at Armageddon.

  I never felt encouraged rather flogged each week from the platform.  Never good enough, not doing enough, not worthy!!

  To top it off, I was always on the fringe or treated as an outsider as I married an unbeliever. We weren't invited to gatherings, my kids left out as well.  No friends on the inside and I kept my distance from people on the outside.   A very lonely place.

  My last meeting the DC in 2010 and I've never looked back.  

  Im free and happy!!!  Thank you for your insightful post!!
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  cappytan

  MissFit:

  What really helped was that years before that, after I left Bethel, I was really messed up mentally. 

  I got Cognitive Therapy and it helped for a while.

  After the incident with the gun I mentioned above, it was a wake up call. I realized I had been neglecting the methods I had learned in Therapy, and started using them again. I recognized what pulled me back from the brink, the thoughts of my children, and just focused on those thoughts every time I felt the darkness creep back into mind. I also had a friend to talk to in confidence who had been through similar issues. 

  I ended up selling all my pistols so it wouldn't be that easy. (Also, so I could get a new Kayak without spending savings.)  

  I'm not anti-gun though. Still have rifles and shotguns for hunting. But they're kept in a safe, out of the house, on family property where we hunt, hundreds of miles away.
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  redvip2000

  I think a lot of us went through this. I recall thinking that I would probably die at the big A because i barely preaching; I always despised going door to door to stranger's homes and so I preached the absolute minimum.

  I looked at others in my hall who were putting in 30 and 40 hours per month, and i couldn't even comprehend how someone could spend so much time per month doing something so idiotic. I knew deep down i would never get to that level.
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  Bugbear

  Fear for hell is a well known religious wip. The society is well known for having dismissed the hell.

  But they have reinstalled again…in Aharmageddon….

  Bugbear
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  MissFit

  Wholovesmagic: hey twins!! Lol. OMG talk about almost identical paths.  Welcome.  Thanks for posting.  I hope to get to "know" you. It seems we have alot in common.

  I was fringed too, even when I was regular.  How did  your husband view the JWs and your involvement?   

  My husband was neutral.  As long as I didnt preach to him, he was fine.  I did mything and he did his.  I think he liked the quiet time when I took the kids with me.

  I never told him about my death sentence (or his. ) 

  You wised up before I did.  I tried reactivating myself and lasted almost 2 years before I admitted defeat.  I was still in mentally until 2013.  I had been irregular and edging towards being inactive again.  I made conventions and the memorial. 

  I agree the load is lighter now. 

  Miss.Fit
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  MissFit

  Cappytan: Good for you.  Some times we have to scare ourselves before we get help.    Has finding out about TTATT made things easier or harder?

  Do you still practice cognitive therapy?

  Redvip & Bugbear:  Thanks for sharing.

  I would compare myself to others.

  After I woke up I realized how much the org. used fear of the big A like other religions used hell fire.

  Miss.Fit