I want to tell my parents

by Freedomrules 5 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Freedomrules

  I'm debating how/or is I should tell my parents about my not believing in the org anymore. I haven't been an active witness for 8 years, and my family and I celebrate bdays and thanksgiving and a couple other holidays (I can't do halloween or christmas, nothing to do with being an ex-wit, I just have personal issues with those). I know they will be devastated, might cut me off. It will make things awkward when I visit them, since their lives revolves around wits and meetings. My sisters will probably cut me off. But I don't feel right continuining to just play along, giving them hope that I might one day become active. Because I won't. Also, as I mentioned earlier, my kids are getting older and I don't want them to have to hide from my parents that we celebrate their birthdays and some holidays.

  I'm thinking I'll send them a letter explaining why I disagree with the org, and some of the orgs policies, such as blood, birthdays, but I'm not sure if I really should. My husband thinks we should say something but is afraid that this might result in the family cutting us off. I don't think they will. One of my sisters might, she's married to a bethelite and they're uberwitnesses. My other sister I don't think will...arrrgggh. Stupid religion.
• 

  caligirl

  I think that whether or not they cut you off depends on how strongly connected they are to the family bond vs. the organization. I say this because of my personal experience. My parents are both very involved ( Dad an elder, Mom a pioneer) yet we still maintain a close relationship.

  I have a young child who is vocal about Christmas, Birthdays, Halloween and Thanksgiving when he talks to Grandma. I went for years letting them think that I'd go back one day (never actually saying that I would) and I think that they just eventually figured out that there was no chance of this and accepted it.

  Beyond letting them know that I have sound well thought out and researched reasons for choosing not to be a witness and to not raise my children as witnesses, and that I would be glad to share those reasons should they ever feel that they can handle it, we leave the witness subject alone. They know that none of their children will ever go back, and though I know for a fact they are devastated over it, they do not shun any of us. I firmly believe that despite their devotion to the organization, their children and grandchildren and maintaining that relationship edges out (no matter how small the margin) their attachment to the witness way of life that they have lived for 30 years. I think they would abandon the religion before they would abandon their family if they were forced to make a choice.

  Your instincts may well be right that your parents and one of your sisters will not have it in them to cut you all off. And you are probably right that your "uberwitness" sister will ( my ex-husband has a sister that is also 1/2 of a superwitness combo that cut her siblings off when they left, so I do have a little experience with the shunning thing, just not from immediate family). Her loss, just as it will be your sisters loss if she chooses to shun you. You never know until you stand up for yourself, but as to when you are ready to make that stand, that has to be a personal decision because there are no guarantees on the outcome.

  I hope that you are one of the lucky ones, as I am. I do not take it lightly that I am not shunned, and my heart goes out to those whose family ties are broken because of this vicious cult masquerading as a religion. I wish you the best on your road to freedom.
• 

  metatron

  I'd avoid the subject and make excuses.

  Forget about doctrine, 1914, blood, etc. - they won't appreciate it.

  If you must ( and I say IF YOU MUST!) bring up an issue, talk about LOVE and the lack thereof

  among Witnesses. Stuff like:

  "If you don't have love, you don't have the "truth"

  or

  "Love is more important than any doctrine - and sadly, that's what's lacking"

  or

  "If a religion doesn't have love it can't have God's approval"

  By talking about LOVE , the whole character of discussion changes relative to what would have happened

  if you talk about doctrines. They may even agree about Witness kids leaving, elders who don't care,

  and the lack of brotherhood. Yet, again, it's best to avoid discussing it entirely. Saying you're depressed

  covers a lot of ground.

  I know it's hard to shut up about it. I made the mistake of talking freely to a realtive who now avoids me entirely.

  metatron
• 

  DJ

  (((((((((((((freedom)))))))))))))))

  Even if your family didn't shun you, it would still most likely turn into a problem for you. In my own family constant efforts are made to change my mind. It makes for an uneasy relationship to say the least. You always need to defend yourself or just ignore their ramblings which is hard sometimes. They will never just be comfortable with the fact that you disagree. They may stoop to trying to "help" your child/ren privately...It is a messy situation no matter what. Talking about the lack of love sometimes can cause arguments as well. They seem to defend even that by claiming to be imperfect. Only you know your family but mine surprised me by being so cruel. Love to you and I hope it all works out. Even pray about it and only give them love. Try your hardest not to succumb to arguments over it. That sounds easier than it is. Bear in mind that you will be viewed as "evil", even if it isn't said directly. love, dj
• 

  BadJerry

  Hi Freedom, I agree with DJ, we seem to think alike on several points. (hi DJ)

  once they know your feelings they may try even harder to change your mind possibly calling on elders for advice or having someone local stop by to do so. If you have to bite your tongue now just think how depressed you may feel every time you visit them and they feel they have to "adjust your thinking". Is your husband a JW? If he isn't then it will be easier to say, "this is how he feels" when it comes to raising your children and what you choose to celebrate. (throw in the submissive wife issue) I know several who have that have had to make a turkey dinner or visit in-laws around the holidays because they wanted to keep their hubby happy and the family balanced.

  until then, whatever the conversasion is, maybe ask point blank questions on what their thoughts are on a particular subject. Be ready yourself to have a solid answer or step back and watch the wheels turn in their heads as their thinking process starts.

  best to you from IMANALIENTO logging on to hubby's ID
• 

  DJ

  (((((((((((((((((((imaliento)))))))))))) HI!!