The Kingdom Grocery Store

by Beans 7 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Beans

  The Kingdom Grocery Store
  --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  I was walking down life's highway, a long time ago One day I saw a sign that
  read, "Kingdom's Grocery Store".
  
  As I got a little closer, the door became open wide, And I was very happy to
  just step inside.
  
  I saw a host of angels, they were standing everywhere One handed me a basket
  and said, "My child, please shop with care."
  
  Everything a Christian needed was in that grocery store, All, all you
  couldn't carry...you could sure come back for more!"
  
  First I got some PATIENCE, and LOVE was in every row, Further down was
  KINDNESS, you need that wherever you go.
  
  I got a box or two of WISDOM, and a bag or two of FAITH.
  I just couldn't miss the HOLY SPIRIT, for it was all over the place.
  
  I stopped to get some SELF CONTROL and ENDURANCE to help me run the race, By
  then my basket was getting full, so I thanked Jehovah for his grace.
  
  I didn't forget GOODNESS for that was free!
  So again I thanked Jehovah for providing it for me.
  
  Then I started for the counter to pay my grocery bill, For I thought I had
  everything to do my master's will But as I went up the aisle, I saw PRAYER
  and I just had to put that in.
  For I knew that once I stepped outside, I'd run right into sin!
  
  PEACE and JOY were plentiful, they were on the last shelf SONG and PRAISE
  were hanging near so I just helped myself.
  
  Than I said to the angel, "How much do I owe?"
  He smiled and said, "Just take your basket to each door that you go."
  
  Again, I looked at him and asked, "How much do I really owe?"
  He smiled again and said, "My child, Christ Jesus paid your bill a long,
  long time ago.
  
  So, leaving the store, I pause at the door, "What better bargain can there
  be?
  Than our loving God, Jehovah, Offering everlasting life for free."
  
  
  GAG! I found this on a JW D board, must be a hard core-er!

  Beans

  http://Quotes.jehovahsWitnesses.com
• 

  shamus

  HOLY CRAP!

  I THOUGHT THAT YOU'D GONE MENTAL, BEANS!!!
• 

  Aztec

  That's too funny!

  ~Aztec
• 

  Scully

  So, leaving the store, I pause at the door, "What better bargain can there be?
  Than our loving God, Jehovah, Offering everlasting life for free."

  In the dictionary, "free" implies that something is there for the taking. No strings attached.

  "Free" as defined by the WTS means: five meetings per week, field service at least 5 hours per month, dressing a certain way, speaking a certain way, behaving a certain way, attending circuit assemblies, district assemblies, and special assembly days, putting personal goals on hold in favor of "spiritual" goals, shunning people who have even minor infractions against these "free" rules.

  Jehovah can keep all his "free" crap. I don't need any of it.

  Love, Scully
• 

  Swan

  A few months back some friends of ours who are very devout sent us this in an email. It was making the rounds in all of the Christian churches. In other words, the JWs ripped this off! It was never the Kingdom Grocery store originally. I have seen them plagarize a lot of stuff in the past though, so it doesn't surprise me...

  It just sickens me a bit.

  Tammy
• 

  Stephanus

  The REAL Kingdom Grocery Store
  --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  
  I was walking down life's highway, a long time ago One day I saw a sign that
  read, "Kingdom's Grocery Store".
  
  As I got a little closer, the door became open wide, And I was very happy to
  just step inside.

  (Just inside the door were a group of people in dark glasses and suits who verified my suitability for entry. After checking the lenth of my shirt sleeves, suit colour, style of tie and polish on my shoes, they grilled me at some length over the number of doors on my car. They reluctantly let me in but told me to make sure I came with my study conductor next time)
  
  I saw a host of angels, they were standing everywhere One handed me a basket
  and said, "My child, please shop with care."
  
  Everything a Christian needed was in that grocery store, All, all you
  couldn't carry...you could sure come back for more!"
  
  First I got some PATIENCE, and LOVE was in every row, Further down was
  KINDNESS, you need that wherever you go.

  (I really would have liked to put some of these items in my basket, but I was encouraged by the guys in dark suits to take on things like CONDITIONAL LOVE and fuelling the RUMOUR MILL)

  I got a box or two of WISDOM, and a bag or two of FAITH.
  I just couldn't miss the HOLY SPIRIT, for it was all over the place.
  
  I stopped to get some SELF CONTROL and ENDURANCE to help me run the race, By
  then my basket was getting full, so I thanked Jehovah for his grace.
  
  I didn't forget GOODNESS for that was free!
  So again I thanked Jehovah for providing it for me.
  
  Then I started for the counter to pay my grocery bill, For I thought I had
  everything to do my master's will But as I went up the aisle, I saw PRAYER
  and I just had to put that in.
  For I knew that once I stepped outside, I'd run right into sin!
  
  PEACE and JOY were plentiful, they were on the last shelf SONG and PRAISE
  were hanging near so I just helped myself.

  (Again I tried getting that stuff, but the elders made me put them back and replace them with SELF_RIGHTEOUSNESS, BLIND OBEDIENCE TO BROOKLYN THROUGH THE ELDERS and NOT GETTING TOO EXCITED SINGING KINGDOM MELODIES)
  
  Than I said to the angel, "How much do I owe?"
  He smiled and said, "Just take your basket to each door that you go."
  
  Again, I looked at him and asked, "How much do I really owe?"
  He smiled again and said, "My child, Christ Jesus paid your bill a long,
  long time ago.

  (He said "If you'd picked the stuff you originally wanted, Jesus would have picked up the tab. But since the items you purchased aren't on his list, you now owe the elders for the items they chose for you. The price {as per Scully}: five meetings per week, field service at least 5 hours per month, dressing a certain way, speaking a certain way, behaving a certain way, attending circuit assemblies, district assemblies, and special assembly days, putting personal goals on hold in favor of "spiritual" goals, shunning people who have even minor infractions against these "free" rules.)
  
  So, leaving the store, I pause at the door, "What kind of a bargain was that store"????
• 

  Nosferatu

  1) What kind of a grocery store is this? You can't wipe your ass with PRAISE!
  2) You're not supposed to pay the angel at the counter, you're supposed to put your money in the contribution box sitting on the counter marked "Local Grocery Fund"
• 

  gitasatsangha

  I went into the Kingdom Grocery Store, a wad of outdated, yellowing convention food-tickets in my sweaty palm.

  I found aisles filled with Shasta lemon-lime soda, Shasta-cola, pudding-cups, cellophane wrapped hoagies, and cheese danishes. Ah.. sustainance!

  The butcher's department was filled with freshley removed hearts of elders, who wouldn't need them anymore anyway.

  The deli had pickled pioneer brains. Yummy. They make a wonderful dip when munching on stale no-blood cards.

  The magazine aisle was stocked with Watchtowers, Awakes, and Startrek fanzines. I picked up a case of Rutherford Beer and headed out into the sunset.