Air traffic control conversations

by Simon 6 Replies latest social humour

• 

  Simon

  Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:

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  While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,screaming:

  "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's, and D's, but get it right!"

  Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

  "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

  "Yes ma'am" the humbled crew responded.

  Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked:

  "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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  A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed a little high.

  San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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  Unknown aircraft: "I'm f*cking bored!"

  Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

  Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f*cking bored, not f*ucking stupid!"

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  Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"

  Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

  Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

  Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers......"

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  The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

  So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":

  Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

  Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

  The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

  Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

  Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

  Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to Frankfurt before?"

  Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop."

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  O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

  United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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  A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

  Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

  Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

  Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

  Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
• 

  Englishman

  Paddy: "Hello Shannon this is Paddy O'Flaherty seeking permission to land at your fine airport, begorrah".

  Shannon Control. "Ah to be sure you'll be giving us your height and position then Paddy."

  Paddy: "I'm five feet six inches and I'm sitting in the front of the aircraft".

  Shannon Control. "You'll be releasing the handbrake before you land this time then Paddy".

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  Englishman on a flight of fancy..
• 

  Maverick

  More...More...I must have more!!!! I was flying in a Cesna 140 bug smasher with this very lovely blonde lady friend off the west coast of Florida. We were taking a day flight up to Cedar Key for lunch and then heading back down to Clearwater Airport in the afternoon. She is a co-pilot on one of those big helos out of the Coast Guard station right by Clearwater Airport. She squaked to the aircontrol people while I flew, under her direction, since I don't have a pilots lic. I followed her headings to the letter, and after a bit she leaned right and told me to follow the coast a little closer. Seems the straightline path I was taking us was a mile or so out into the Gulf. "Why?" I asked. She replied, "Not as far to swim!" I banked that baby in! Maverick
• 

  teenyuck

  Those were funny!!
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  seawolf

  haha I have that little fokker in sight!
• 

  JamesThomas

  Along these lines (airlines):

  • “This is a non-smoking flight. Anyone caught smoking in the washroom or anywhere else while in-flight will be asked to leave the airplane immediately.”
  • “Thank you for flying Westjet. I hope our airline has met your expectations. If not, you definitely should lower your expectations before flying with us again.”
  • On a Continental Flight with a very senior flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
  • On landing the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”
  • “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”
  • “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
  • As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. Whoa!”
  • After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
  • From a Southwest Airlines employee.... “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
  • “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.”
  • “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
  • “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with compliments.”
  • “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children.”
  • “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
  • “Last one off the plane must clean it.”
  • And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
  • Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault...it was the asphalt!”
  • Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
  • Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
  • An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am," said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”
  • After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
  • Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”
  • A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – Oh my God!” Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”
• 

  outoftheorg

  This plane was ready for take off. The Capt. was on the intercom and telling the passengers about their flight patern and the height they would cruise at and all the consoling information they usually give to calm the passengers.

  Then he spoke to his cockpit crew without turning the intercom off.

  His comment was "ok boys, lets see if we can get this lumbering son of a bitch off the ground". I am sure the passengers were consoled

  A friend of mine while flying a small aircraft, found the hyd. system to lower the wheels, was not working. There was a lot of questions and advice given by the tower and the local aircraft mechanics. It was even suggested that if the hyd. reservoir was low on fluid, he should urinate in it.

  Nothing worked. There were fly bys to let the tower see the undercarriage. It was down but the dash light showed it was unlocked.

  This went on for some time. Finally the tower decided to foam the runway and have him come in. At this point they asked all the other flights to clear this frequency. There was a quick reply from an unidentified pilot. "what, and miss all the excitement"?

  Well he came in and luck was with him. The wheels were locked and it was the smoothest landing he ever made.

  An hyd. hose had disconnected and drained the hyd. fluid to the point where the wheels functioned and that was all.

  Outoftheorg