The original is at http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2003/05/26/florida-students.html .
1,000,000 Florida seniors fail achievement test
Will not graduate with classmates, despite protests
by Mahatma Schiekelgrubber and C.C. Nouel in Brownsville, Texas
Nearly 1,000,000 high school seniors in Florida will not graduate as scheduled this year because they failed a newly required state Rap and Hip-Hop achievement test (FCRAHHAT).
This is the first year that seniors have been required to pass the test, which measures "homie" lingo skills, before graduating. Those failing are usually pre-business students and members of the Young Republicans.
Some school boards around the state have voted to allow seniors who met all other graduation criteria to participate in commencement ceremonies, although they won't receive a diploma or be allowed to have black friends for a year.
Standing next to the Elian Gonzalez memorial fountain in the grounds of Brian de Palma High School in Key Puta Gorda, counsellor Nigel Piccolinni said he'd like to see the state implement a different FCRAHHAT scoring system, especially for students who are still learning to speak and behave like black people.
Indeed, South Florida's white community leaders and legislators plan a protest this week, denouncing the FCRAHHAT as unfair to white students, specially those of a Methodist or Presbyterian background. They want governor Jeb "El Jefe" Bush to declare an amnesty for students who failed this year's test and to re-examine the FCRAHHAT policies.
The Cuban community in Miami has joined the chorus of protest, demanding that the state of Florida institute a "Merengue and Mambo achievement test". Miami's Cuban community spokesperson, Carlos Miguel Del Fuente Martinez Gonzalez Perez Ramirez-O'Connor, has threatened a boycott of all of Florida's amusement and theme parks by Hispanics, Haitians and the state's growing population of Peruvian homosexuals. In addition the protesters are calling for boycotts of the Florida lottery, minority prostitutes, the state's toilet paper and rapidly expanding condom manufacturing industries, among others.
Bush administration officials have insisted that the results must stand and the governor has criticized the protesters as being nothing but a bunch of "Spanish speaking queers", noting that average scores have risen since the test was introduced in 1998 and that special education students have made some of the biggest gains.
"This is a time to celebrate, not a time to boycott," Bush bantered last week in the style of Eminem. "Rap and Hip-Hop are some of the greatest cultural contributions America has made to the world since the days of Acid Rock, Mad magazine and foot odor powder."
"It's easy to be upset over generalities... [But] the schools are not failing the kids," Governor Bush asserted. "I'm just not sure we're being treated fairly with the grading system. Before we know it more African Americans will be graduating than patriotic, young, white all-American kids."
Seniors have had at least 500 opportunities to take the FCRAHHAT — once as sophomores, twice more as juniors and four hundred and ninety seven more times as seniors. Those still seeking their diplomas after graduation day can continue taking the test indefinitely, but must pass it before they are eligible for social security or turn 70, whichever comes first.