Friendships

by sandy 7 Replies latest jw friends

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  sandy

  Have you grown out of certain friendships with people?

  I have a friend I used to do everything with. We were always together. We helped each other out with all types of problems.

  Then she moved away (out of state). Just before she moved I started seeing my boyfriend and we started to less of each other. I still made time for her but honestly the majority of my time was spent with my new boyfriend.

  Like I said she moved away and we wrote to each other and talked on the phone often.

  She moved back here about a year ago, after being gone for 3 years. When she came back I noticed I was so different and found it hard to hold simple conversations with her. I am not sure why because it was easy to talk to her on the phone and through letters.

  I still spend the majority of my time with my boyfriend and go out with her along with other friends 1 or 2 times per month, more or less.

  I feel guilty for not spending more time with her. But my boyfriend and I are really best friends; we enjoy each other's company. We enjoy being alone and never include our friends except for a few special occasions here and there.

  Should I feel guilty? I know some people will never put their friends before their significant other but I do not see it that way. Am I being insensitive?

  Her and I have very little in common these days.

  She is moving again, out of state, back with her family. I don't know if I should acknowledge the fact that we really didn't spend much time together or just let her go, wish her well and tell her I'll miss her.
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  termite 35

  Hi Sandy;

  you sound very happy with your boyfriend and that's great- it's good to have someone that you feel so connected to. Your friend sounds like she's been making a big effort to keep in touch with you though, I wonder why it feels different when you see her - do you think perhaps you're subconciously pushing her away as your boyfriend takes up most of your time?

  Sometimes when a relationship is new we want to spend all of our time with that person and our friends naturally, take a back seat. All I would worry about is that if for some reason it dosnt work out between you and your boyfriend you may want and need your friend back in your life; and that may be difficult if you push her away. I think striking a balance is the best way- if you go out with your friend and do something together the conversation will probably flow again.

  Years ago I got through a fair few boyfriends none of them lasted- but I still have all my friends that saw me through each break-up, family disaster, death and the JW religion- and i'm going out with three of them for a party this weekend- just us- no partners- I guess what i'm trying to say is look after them, i'm glad I did...
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  sandy

  Termite 35,

  Thanks for the response.

  I should add some more detail. My friend and I have different morals and goals in life. To tell you the truth If I just met her today I wouldn't pursue her friendship.

  I don't want to tell her I do not want to be her friend because I do care about her and want her to do well in life. But I cannot sit back and watch her ruin her life. And that is what I think she is doing. I try to give her advice without being judgemental but sometimes I just keep my mouth shut.
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  freedom96

  If you say to her that you just don't have much in common anymore, she may be hurt as if getting dumped. Distance makes close friendships hard anyways, so I wouldn't say a thing.

  I am convinced in life that you have many different friends to fill different needs in your life. There are the ones you may have over for dinner, others to go out to party, others to go see movies, others are confidants, others are like a brother or sister, and so on.

  It doesn't make one bad over another, just the way it is.

  I will give an example. I have a friend, who over the past 10 years is a good movie buddy. Maybe get a bite to eat, and go see a movie. Much more than that and he drives me a little nuts. He is who is he is, and that is all I expect from him. I do not want financial advise from him, or marriage advice, but I know the friendship; we can discuss the movie, general stuff going on in our life, and leave it at that.
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  bluesapphire

  Sandy, I think you should just say goodbye and wish her well. Not everything needs to be discussed in life. If she's not receptive to any advice you give her then why bother? Let her go and make new friends. She will always be there and you can keep in touch once or twice a year.

  My husband and I were very close friends before we became "more than friends." I know what you mean about wanting to spend all your time with your boyfriend. I have many close friends who are very very low maintenance. If we don't talk for a few months no one gets bent out of shape. We respect each others' priorities. And none of us tries to "moralise" the other. That's important too. To respect each others' differences. If your friend doesn't respect your differences, then she's probably more of a burden than a friend.
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  sandy

  Thanks for the replies everyone.

  I think I am making myself feel guilty for no valid reason. Like I said before my friend and I used to do everything together. We helped each other out a lot in many different situations. We loaned each other money, gave each other rides when one of us was without a car, shared dark family secrets, got into trouble together. We were both irresponsible together too.

  When she moved back here I was doing really well and afraid to start hanging out with her again. Though she said she changed I could tell by her actions she was the same. I didn't want to get caught up in her fantasy world. I quit a few jobs in the past just to hang out and have fun with her and other friends. I kept my distance and made it clear, only through my actions, I was not interested in returning to my old habits.

  She moved back here without money, a job, and a place to stay. I never offered her to stay with me. I live with my parents but in the past I would have been selfish and imposed her on my family. This is something she has done for me and probably would do it again. I feel guilty for not offering or asking my parents if she could stay at my house. She moved in with her aunt without asking if it was ok. I have no idea why her aunt never said anything to her. She just let her stay up until recently.

  Her aunt found pot in her room and told her she had to move.

  She is the kind of person who sticks by her friends no matter what kind of criminal or immoral activity they get into. I am not. I cannot understand that mentality. I knew she was smoking pot but she told me it was only an occasional thing, which I have no problem with. I realized though that she smoked it a lot just to escape the reality of her life. I tried to talk to her and encourage her to quit but she just said it really isn't a habit. So I left it at that.

  To make a long story even longer:

  The bottom line is I feel guilty for letting go a friendship that I do not think is worth saving. There is more that I could tell you but that is enough I guess. My friend is unstable and unrealistic about her life and it annoys me because I am the complete opposite. I am cynical to a certain degree but always realistic. I try to offer her advice but sometimes I am afraid to hurt her feelings. So I try to sugar coat it for her.

  When I am around her I feel like I am 19 years old again. Every once in while that is a good thing but I cannot live like that anymore, not on a daily basis. People have to grow up sometime.
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  Billygoat

  ((((((Sandy)))))))

  I'm sorry you feel so confused about this. I know it's hard as it's something I've dealt with a lot the last several years. My divorce several years ago, changed my entire social circle. Since then I've held the belief that friendships are seasonal. They each serve their purpose for the time being, but those purposes always change eventually. And when you do get those lifelong ones, it's a blessing beyond blessings. I don't have many friends (I use that word sparingly) but I've had many good friends in the past. Each I hold dear in memory, even if I don't stay in touch with them anymore. Moves to new cities, changes in life status and jobs all have a bearing on the lifecycle of a friendship. I'd like to believe that even when we lose track, at some point in our future, we'll all be reunited anyway. I mourn when a friendship seems to be "moving on", but whether good or bad, it has helped ME become who I am. So in essence friendships are never gone. They may have changed, but never gone.

  Just my thoughts...

  Andi
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  sandy

  moving on", but whether good or bad, it has helped ME become who I am. So in essence friendships are never gone. They may have changed, but never gone.

  Thanks Billygoat.

  That is very true. I learned a lot from my friendship I am speaking of. Hitting rock bottom made me take a good look at everything in my life including friends. I realized I had to move on with or without her. Her moving the first time allowed me to do that quite easily. I think if she had stayed I would have reverted back to my immature ways. I don't blame her for the trouble I got into.

  We were both bad influences on each other. We were young and foolish. I had to grow up. Unfortunately she has not really grown up but I can still look back on all the good times we shared.

  I tried to write her a letter but I couldn't word it in a way that I knew would not hurt her. I think all of you are right; I should just say bye and keep in touch from time to time.

  Thanks again everyone for your advice; you are all a great help.