Do you, or don't you?

by Cassiline 9 Replies latest jw friends

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  Cassiline

  I've been thinking about this lately. You are aquainted with someone and you both are comfortable in the relationship. I can't call you all the best of buddies but better then aquaintences and not best friends.
  

  You hear something about your aquantience and it may or may not bother you, but you decide to repeat that hearsay to others and you have NO IDEA if its the truth or if you are propagating a lie.

  I have a few questions on this.

  1. If you know that person enough to share intimate details of your life, why not tell them what is bothering you instead of repeating it?

  2. Should you tell that person to save their feeling?

  3. Why in the world would you repeat or believe something you have no idea if indeed it is true? Just because someone said it you are to believe it?

  4. Does this person deserve to know so they can stave off attacks which are going on behind their backs and "nip the gossip in the bud" so to speak?

  Is this fair behaviour to assume/presumeyou know something you do not know as fact, repeat it or continue to let it fester in the backdrop as if it were?

  Cassi
• 

  DannyBear

  Cassi,

  Life is just to damn short..........I surmize your talking about rumors, hearsay, as regards cyberspace 'friends'?

  If so, imo real life relationships take priority. Or they should anyway.

  It seems like a few poster's here have met one another at some Apostofest or party...maybe spoken on the phone.....but the majority are known simply by what they write here. Not a very solid basis for anything remotely considered a real true friendship.

  Revealing personal information on these boards is dangerous, opening oneself up to all sorts of potential problems. As you well know.

  Anyone that assumes they really know someone from an exchange of emails or postings here, is fooling themselves. It takes years of pressing the flesh to garner the trust and love of another, in the fullest sense of a friendship.

  But to answer your question, YES tell the person in question whats being said about him/her...its the honorable thing to do. Not to mention it will alert the victim of hearsay who is to be trusted and who is not.

  Danny
• 

  SpiceItUp

  Cassi,

  good questions. I have wondered the same things over and over again.

  For me and how I react:

  If someone tells me something that is "rumerous" (no idea true or false) then I listen and keep it to myself. If it is harmful information and I have opportunity to ask the person it directly affects about then I do. If I don't then I keep my mouth shut.

  If later that information is proved to be false information then I tend not to believe as much that comes out of the mouth that the original person told me. If it is true then I will give them more of a benefit of the doubt but will still not spread rumors.

  As a general rule I try to stay out of things like this as it does not usually come of any good. (whether true or false)

  I only hope that others would give me the same common courtesy.

  It is my opinion that is respectful, decent and common consideration and sense that you should never believe anything you hear without proof/facts or going to the source. Otherwise its usually just slanderous rumors that will end up causing someone pain.
• 

  drwtsn32

  Cassi, it is definitely inappropriate to spread gossip. I have heard so many contradictory things about people that I basically ignore things I hear and base my opinion about a person solely on my own personal experience with them.

  If it was a pretty close friend, I would probably tell them about the gossip. But if it was really hurtful I may not. I guess it depends on the situation. But I would never repeat it.
• 

  Englishman

  Cassi,

  It's an unfortunate fact that a small percentage of people that we associate with are, in fact, incorrigible liars. Worse still, they conceal their dishonesty and transfer it to others by being the very first one's to call out "Liar"!

  Let's always remember how someone who we both once trusted, turned out to be a liar of such mega proportions and yet is still unable to even acknowledge the act, let alone apologise for it. These are the sort of people who spread rumour as a fact, and usually they are the source of the unfounded rumour.

  On 2 occasions now, I have been accused of the vilest of acts - by a person who sees me as an obstruction to their personal goal in life - that have absolutely no foundation in any truth. On one occasion when I actually succeeded in getting the person cornered and face on, he/she looked me straight in the eye and told me that it served me right because I had upset him/her.

  So this is the sort of person that we run across occasionally. M Scott Peck describes them as having a "personality disorder", because they do not own to any responsibility for anything, but rather blame others for each and everything that is not perfect.

  I know your question is prompted by another similar situation, and all I can say is to look at the track record of the gossiper concerned. If you look carefully, you will see a pattern in the behaviour of the gossiper, which is why I choose to keep well clear.

  Englishman.
• 

  donkey

  Cassi,

  I would always tell the person.

  Jack
• 

  nilfun

  You can't stop other people from engaging in gossip. Especially when it's about somebody that they really don't care for.

  But if something is festering (bothering you) then go ahead and lance the boil by telling the person who is the object of all this gossip what the deal is.

  Sounds like it is way past the "nipping in the bud" stage, though.
• 

  enigma

  I definitely would tell the person what is being said about him/her.
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  Ghost of Esmeralda

  Ah, gossip is such an ugly thing :( Dr. Phil says "If someone is gossiping about you, he's just giving the rest of us the day off!" meaning that people who like to gossip will ALWAYS find something and someone to talk about, even if they have to create it.

  If I were the friend, I'd want to know what was being said about me. I prefer to set the record straight.

  Besides, if you turn a very bright light on emotionally abusive people (like the ones who lie and gossip about others) they are exposed, like a sniper. Once their position is revealed, they can't surprise you anymore.

  Best of luck with the situation...

  love,

  essie
• 

  kgfreeperson

  I think I'm talking about something different, but I think it can be passive-aggressive to pass on what someone else says ("my husband can't believe what a bad housekeeper you are" "She says you are never here on time" etc. But "this is being said, how can I help you deal with this?" seems like a good response.