Noah Today

by wonderer2003 6 Replies latest social humour

• 

  wonderer2003

  AND

  Noah's Ark in Today's Society... The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
  
  
  In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
  
  Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
  
  "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
  
  Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
  
  
  "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
  
  "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
  
  Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
  
  Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
  
  
  I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
  
  However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
  
  The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
  
  When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
  
  
  Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
  
  Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
  
  Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
  
  The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
  
  
  I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'
  
  Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
  
  I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
  
  The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
  
  
  Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, Lord?"
  
  "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"
• 

  Thunder Rider

  Ain't that the truth.

  Thunder
• 

  Bendrr

  I love it Wonderer!

  Here's an alternate ending for you:

  And God said "and that's why I'm sending the flood!"

  Mike.
• 

  heathen

  Amen to that wonderer . ROTFLMAO
• 

  Maverick

  You are a wonder, wonderer! Maverick
• 

  Big Tex

  THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS in Legalese
  (Author unknown)
  
  Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did
  occur at a certain improved piece of real property
  (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all
  creatures therein including, but not limited to, a mouse.
  
  A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had
  been affixed in and around the chimney in said House in the
  hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/
  Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime
  thereafter. The minor residents, i.e., the children of the
  aforementioned House were located in their individual beds
  and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams
  wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not
  limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance,
  cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
  
  Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
  referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of
  the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter
  "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period
  of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various
  forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.
  
  Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did
  occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and
  appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain
  disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The
  party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in
  the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
  
  At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with
  some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh
  (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very
  rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.
  The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was,
  the previously referenced Claus.
  
  Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and
  guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and
  specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name:
  Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and
  Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and
  belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-
  conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
  
  The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and
  the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs
  of several residences located adjacent to and in the
  vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was
  heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown
  origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or
  permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived
  at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
  
  Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially
  covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a
  large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned
  packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what
  appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation
  of local ordinances and health regulations.
  
  Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the
  stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the
  chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did
  not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to
  the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
  
  Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his
  nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the
  House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or
  served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an
  unknown destination.
  
  However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and
  Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear
  Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to
  all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
• 

  cruzanheart

  The Ultimate Real Estate Clause:

  END OF THE WORLD.

  1.1 In the event of the end of the world, Lessee will be deemed aligned with the Forces of Darkness and Lessor with the Forces of Light.

  Nina