PARTY POOPERS
A Radio Play
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Cast of Characters
C.W. (Narrator) Terry (a Crow Wrangler)
Z.K. (Zombie Apocalypticist) Robert has an exterminator business.
Shay (Tattoo Artist) roommate with Robert
Weird Al (curly haired) roommate with Robert (his ambition is to be way cool.)
Lulu and Sadie (Robert's idea of fun guests) (Laverne and Shirley style)
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Narrator
It is now about five forty in the morning and I have just realized I don't have the strength to write this in my Journal right now. So, I’m recording it instead.
Robert, a former roommate of mine, called and asked if I had plans for this evening.
Long story short- I rode over to his house to play Chess.
Outside Robert’s house is his giant pickup truck with ZOMBIE KILLER painted on the side.
In other words, expect the unexpected when it comes to this guy.
What happened next you’re about to hear right now - if I don’t pass out first . . .
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Sound of auto arriving. Engine off. Footsteps to door and doorbell.
Ad lib small talk for Greeting.
CW and ZK end up at a kitchen table with a chessboard. Beers are opened.
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CW: "Hey, Robert, how's it goin'?"
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Z.K. "S'okay. S'good. Watcha got there, a new chess set?"
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C.W. "Yeah, on eBay. I got cheated though."
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Z.K. "Why's that?"
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C.W. "It's 35 X 35 centimeters instead of inches and there's no black Bishop--but there is an extra rook."
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Z.K "Well, I don't think in real life there are any Bishops who are black."
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C.W. "Say, Robert--did you get a haircut?"
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Z.K. "Un-huh. Yeah."
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C.W. "Your head now looks like an acorn - I hope you got your money's worth!"
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Z.K. "Nah. I did it. I used my huntin' knife."
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C.W. “I hope you’re joking.”
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Z.K. “In combat, you shave off all the hair because of lice, but you leave hair on top to hold your helmet in place."
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C.W. "You served in the armed forces?"
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Z.K "Nah."
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C.W. "I noticed your windows are down on your truck. It's supposed to get colder tomorrow. Maybe it'll rain."
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Z.K. "I remain skeptical of that. They've fooled me once too often."
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C.W. "Um,--THEY? Who are THEY?"
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Z.K. "Those tricky bastards. Oh, by the way -- I invited some girls.”"
C.W.: “To do what?”
Z.K.: “They’re comin’ over. “
C.W. : “To do what?”
Z.K.: “My wife and I are gettin’ a divorce.”
C.W.: “Which means…?
Z.K..: “When the cat’s away the mice come to play.”
C.W.: “So, we’re playing with mice and not chess?”
Z.K.: “Nah. We can do both! When’s the last time you had some fun?”
C.W.: “Just before I ended up in prison.”
Z.K.: “What? Yer lyin’--aren’t ya?”
C.W. “I wish.”
Z.K.: “What was you in prison about?”
C.W. “About two years.”
Z.K. “Nah--I mean what’d ya do?”
C.W. “I murdered a roommate in cold blood.”
Z.K. (Snickering and then groans skeptically) “Nah.”
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(Ding Dong)
Z.K. “That was the doorbell”
CW “Or a prophecy.”
Robert steps to the front door.
Narrator
I sat there sniffing my beer, bracing myself.
“Napoleon brandy in my beer? No wonder Robert is obsessed with the dead.”
Thoughts about what happened to Napoleon entered my mind.
(A woman’s voice. It sounds like Carol Burnett. Footsteps approach.)
******
Lulu: “Say fella, could you come help us get Sadie out of the backseat of my car?”
C.W.: “Hello to you, too.”
Lulu: “Oh--excuse my manners. Could you---?”
C.W.: “My name is Terry.”
Lulu: “Oh--I’m Lulu--could you come help us get Sadie out of the backseat of my car?”
Z.K. “Sadie passed out. We’ll have to lift her out of the back seat and carry her inside.”
C.W.: “Hold on, hold on! Is there any reason why we shouldn’t just let her stay in the backseat of the car? What’s wrong with her?”
Lulu: “Aw, she’s got a ‘condition.’.
C.W.: “What condition is her ‘condition’ in right now?”
Z.K. “She got too high - that’s her condition. We’ll have to lift her out of the back seat and carry her inside.”
C.W.: “Is this WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S?”
(Lulu snorts)
Lulu : “Sadie ain’t dead. She’s just got a ‘condition.’”
C.W.: “But wait--hold on--why can’t she just sleep it off IN THE CAR?”
Lulu: “ Sometimes she craps her pants. Not in my car- no Sir!”
Narrator: At this point I poured more Napoleon brandy into my beer.)
CW: “So, if I follow your chain of logic here...it is better to have her INSIDE THE HOUSE crapping her pants?”
Z.K “Yeah, Lulu--what about that? You gonna change her diaper?”
CW: “DIAPER?”
Lulu: “Robert, she don’t want nobody knowin ’that. Why’d you say that to a perfect stranger?”
CW: “Hang on here just one minute. Just to keep the record straight. I’m NOT perfect.”
Z.K. “Nevermind all that - let’s go get her and we’ll work this out while we’re playing chess.”
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(Sound of voices and footsteps out to the driveway.)
CW: “Good god - is this a 1955 Nash Rambler? Those dents look like the surface of the moon gleaming under starlight.”
(Sound of car doors opening)
Z.K. “Lulu - is that you’re grandmother? She’s gotta be at least 110 years old!”
(Sound of snoring in background.)
Narrator:
Her very white skin looked like crinkled paper. Not so much dead as undead.
Oh hell, just use your imagination.
I don’t want to think about it anymore!
(Sounds of effort, grunting, complaining)
Narrator:
We hefted her every which way, yanking on ankles, tugging on elbows… It was a push-me-pull-you situation.
At long last, Robert and Lulu managed to drag Sadie the unconscious lady into the house.
I stood still in the driveway wondering how far I could run and how fast I’d get there.
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(Insert fake radio commercial)
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Hail Hail the Gang’s All Here
Narrator:
Sadie was dumped on the rug in the middle of the living room like the body of a deer in a highway accident. Or if somebody threw their grandmother out of an airplane without a parachute at ten thousand feet, crashing through the roof onto your rug.
We all just stood there a moment and then shrugged.
We turned off the lights so we didn’t have to look at her and all sat down at the kitchen table.
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CW: “So, Sadie is who, exactly--your Grandmother?”
Lulu: (Offended) “Don’t be a smart ass! She’s my sister! She don’t look her best right now.”
CW: “I should hope not.”
ZK: “Shall we all play chess now?”
Lulu: “I didn’t come over here to play no damn game of Chest. I thought we was gonna party.”
Z.K.: “It ain’t gonna be no party with your sister all zonked out like that. Now my friend Terry here ain’t got no date!”
CW: (Alarmed!) “Wuh-wuh Whoa. Hang fire. Nobody said anything about a DATE!
I’m more than happy to leave the two of you to your own resources and I’ll just go home and clip my toenails.”
(From the darkened living room the sound of a crash could be heard, followed by a loud “OOF!” A string of colorful cuss-words and astonishment erupts.)
Narrator:
From upstairs, Robert’s roommate Shay (Sheffield) lay draped across the body of Sadie.
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Lulu: “What the crap! Get off my damn sister! Who told you you could get on top of her?”
Shay: (Sounding more puzzled than the human mind could conceive) “I tripped in the dark, dammit. You shouldn’t oughta leave your sister in the middle of the floor in the dark like that.
It ain’t my fault!”
Z.K.: “Yeah, Lulu. Lay off. Shay, allow me to introduce you--this is one of my girlfriends, Lulu…”
Lulu: “What do you mean--ONE OF your girlfriends?”
(Shay scrambles to his feet and straightens himself out; all the while staring at the woman on the floor.)
Shay: “Is she dead, or what?”
CW : “No, but I wish I was.”
Z.K.: “Lulu--all I meant was--I’m not completely divorced yet.”
Lulu: “You saying your WIFE is one of your girlfriends?”
CW: “Who’d like a BIG STIFF DRINK--if you’ll pardon the expression?”
Shay: “I for damn sure wood.”
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Narrator:
At that opportunity Shay and I left Robert and Lulu in the living room arguing while we poured a drink and started a game of chess. The yelling went on for quite awhile.
I don’t know what time it was when the two of them came back into the kitchen and not before turning out the light in the living room once more.
Somehow or other, we ended up sitting around the table taking turns playing a really insane game Robert thought up. It was called QUEENS.
Z.K.: “Here are the rules: All the pieces on the board are Queens.”
(The sound of a loud crash in the living room.)
CW: “ Lulu, I think Robert’s other roommate just met your sister.”
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Radio Commercial
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The More, the Merrier!
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Narrator
``Weird Al” was a low-key throwback to the Hippie era of the 60’s. Al is only about 21 years old - he’s never even heard of Hippies.
W.A.“Hey! Dudes--did you know there’s a dead granny in here?”
Lulu: “That’s my sister, you asswipe!”
CW: “Speaking of asswipes--did anybody think to bring some--just in case?”
ZK: “Hey, Al, how’s it going?”
Weird Al: “Oh, hey Robert. I thought we were playing some chess this evening?”
Lulu: “She ain’t crapped her pants yet.”
CW: “Praise Jesus!”
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Narrator
Shortly after that a new game is introduced by Robert the Zombie Killer.
All the chess pieces are pushed to the center of the board, smushed up close to each other.
The game begins with strict rules of chess in effect!
I think it might have been fun--or, maybe the Napoleon brandy was having an effect.
(A loud voice from the darkened living room.)
Sadie: “WHERE AM I? WHAT THE FORK IS HAPPENING TO ME?”
Z.K.: “Hey, Terry, your date just arrived!”
CW: “Very funny. And by that, I mean NOT funny at all.”
Sadie: “SOMEBODY GET ME OFF THIS FLOOR!”
Lulu: “Let me introduce you to Sadie. Come with me.”
CW: “No, that’s okay. Where’s that bottle of brandy?”
ZK: “I’ll help you.”
Weird Al :(Voice filled with disgust and wonderment) “That’s YOUR date? Why is she on the floor?”
CW: “The landlord smashed the couch to pieces a couple of months ago trying to get rid of bed bugs.”
Weird Al : “Oh. Okay.”
(Offstage mumbling as Sadie and Robert enter the kitchen.)
Sadie: “Hi. I’m Sadie, I’m gonna be your date this evening...according to Robert.”
CW: “I’m afraid there has been a BIG misunderstanding about that, Sadie. A MONUMENTAL misunderstanding. Robert made some assumptions without discussing any of it with me.”
Sadie: “What’s a matter, too much of an age difference? I’m 51-years-old. How old are you?”
CW: “I - uh- I - uh - I’m WAY TOO OLD for a young woman such as yourself. There are laws against this sort of thing.”
Lulu: “He’s right. Good god, Robert--what were you thinking?”
Z.K. : “Hell, I’m sorry. I didn’t think he was THAT OLD.”
Sadie: “You don’t LOOK that old.”
CW: “Oh trust me. I’m way old. I’m a real party pooper.”
Sadie: “Yeah well--that happens to me, too.”
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Radio Commercial (laxative)
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END OF ACT I
Based upon True Life incidents!
