Snoop Dogg hired as Jehovaq's replacement.
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/25/56099/1.ashx
Following in the footsteps of their former deity, the Witness cult's leadership made the historic announcement that they have contracted a new "special relationship" with rap icon Snoop Dogg. Appearing at a press conference in the deserted wildlands next to the Masonic gravesite of organization founder, C.T. Russell, the spokesman for the group, Ted Jaracz outlined some details of the new deity / organization relationship.
"Our stated intent is to reach out to the massive numbers of youth who think that they have to rebel in order to listen to rap!" said Jaracz, noticeably uncomfortable in his backwards cap and ripped jeans, which he donned for the occasion.
Snoop Dogg appeared briefly, but took no questions. His statement was concise, and said merely, "I always knew I wanted to be a God, so I'm putting tha' Dogg in Doggly service!"
Jaracz took over at this point, and said, "Some say our religion is fizzling! Well, with our new DoggFather at the helm, we'll be Faschizzling to the Schnizzle out in Field Schnizzle!"
Most of the governing Body were present for this historic press conference, although their incontinence may have been due to either age or sheer surprise at getting into a deity relationship with the writer of such rap tunes as "Gin and Juice" and "Murder was the Case."
The session then opened up to questions, and immediately local Bad Poet and Bloomfield patron of the brewer's arts Czarofmischief asked the obvious, "Isn't this a complete about face on the issue of rap music and whether or not it is appropriate for Christians?"
"Only an apostate would ask a question like that! In the past, certain members of God's people decided that they couldn't allow rap music into their homes. There was no official statement against the listening of rap, of course, and now in the New Light of Theocratic Public Relations TM, these Christians will concientiously listen to Tha Doggfather at least three times a week."
Jaracz then gave a brief and exciting synopsis of the upcoming changes for the Witness, starting with the name of the organization. "Henceforth, we are Snoop's Witschizzles!"
Upcoming projects for the redirected organization include moving all young brothers into positions of MC and calling them Pimponeers. Also, a position for women, which the organization encourages all fine young sistah's to reach out for, is that of Faithless but Discreet Hos.
Upcoming releases include a new video, "Bethel Gone Wild Doggystyle!" and the door to door marketing of "Theocratic Bongwater."
"More updates on our projects will come later, as soon as Snoop comes off tour, but at least the Doggfather is definitely in the hizzouse of God..." said Jaracz, in a nasty jab at the notoriously no-show style of former deity Jehovaq.
Jehovaq was not available for comment, because he was helping Czarofmischief move.