Hello

by allieoakley 7 Replies latest jw friends

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  allieoakley

  Hello everyone,

  It's nice to meet you all. I have been awake since I was a child and I am thinking about leaving Jehovahs Witnesses soon. I am looking for some new friends because I know I will lose the ones I have.

  My question is, how did your spouse react when you left? I love my husband dearly and he is wonderful, he is the only one I dont want to push away. We have a toddler as well and I don't want to create conflict for his sake. Was anybody able to maintain some kind of normalcy in their marriage after they left? Or were you able to help a spouse leave?

  Thanks everyone, I'm excited to make some new friends.
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  truth_b_known

  It was my wife who left first. I wasn't too far behind. The most important piece of advice is to express something to your spouse like the following -

  • A person's spiritual path is a personal choice.
  • I do not wish to interfere with your choice.
  • I will not do anything to prevent your from following your path.
  • I will not say anything to discourage you from your path.
  • I won't even express why I have chosen a different path unless you expressly request that information.
  • I support you and whatever path you chose.

  Offer to help your spouse to get to meetings, assemblies, conventions, etc. If your spouse wishes to share something he has recently learned by a kind listener. Never argue or debate what is shared.

  This biggest conflict will be over your child. How will your child be raised? Will you agree to allow your child to attend meetings with your husband? Will you allow your child to be indoctrinated with Watchtower literature? Will you agree to go along with your husband's wishes that your child not participate in holidays, birthdays, or associate with children that are not Witnesses?
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  pistolpete

  truth_b_known

  This biggest conflict will be over your child.

  How will your child be raised?

  Will you agree to allow your child to attend meetings with your husband?

  Will you allow your child to be indoctrinated with Watchtower literature?

  Will you agree to go along with your husband's wishes that your child not participate in holidays, birthdays,

  or associate with children that are not Witnesses?

  TBK; How would you advice someone who had woken up and now found themselves in this situation?

  I think it would help those in such a situation.
  
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  Anony Mous

  There are lots of topics here on the matter of spouses. It seems that if your husband loves you and he’s not super-controlling or putting much effort being high up in the organization, you have a better chance, especially as a woman, to leave together.

  I would slowly poke and see what he believes if he is not already outspoken about it. You can sow some doubts slowly and try to leave together. There is a chance you may lose him too, in that case you probably end up in a divorce proceeding, very rarely do JWs accept such changes, as a woman, you are in luck as custody and decision making generally tends to go in favor of females. That doesn’t mean he won’t be able to take the kids to meetings, but for most matters, you will be in charge.

  It’s not an easy road. You may lose everything, but it is worth it.
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  DesirousOfChange

  how did your spouse react when you left?

  I really did believe it was THE TRUTH! I was a prominent elder in the Borginization. I had doubts for years, but finally there was that "first domino" that fell. I discussed my doubts with my wife at length. I asked her sincere questions (the kind that I had struggled with -- the kind that have NO answer). Originally, my questions were to get her input on it all as she too was a born-in and she was a devout JW too. Asking her those questions forced her to come to the realization that there were no answers.

  Questions like, If the HolySpirit really is directing things (ie appointment of MS/Elders) then how could the Elder who had been carrying on an affair for 8 years have gotten appointed? Did he fool the HS? Fool JC and Joe Hoover? Or how did the Elder who was in an affair and planning on leaving his wife get assigned a key talk at the District Conv? AND, he saw that as proof that what he was doing was OK with Joe Hoover! He gave the talk and then resigned at the next Cong meeting.

  Then there are the statements like the May22, 1969 Awake on The End being too close to start college.

  The Truth Book changes from this system ending in 20th Century to our lifetime.

  She followed me out right on my heels. We have never looked back. We (mostly I) am angry at all the time, money, and effort I put into this useless religion. They robbed the best years of our lives.

  Your hubby is your "spiritual head". I'd start asking him "those questions" and then STFU. No debating. No arguing. Just wait for him to search and find an answer. (Wait on Jehovah is NOT an answer.)

  And, I esp like Deut 18:20-22 about false prophets.
  
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  Phizzy

  I do think it is good advice from DOC above, to pose questions, artfully, to your husband. Done in a way that is non-threatening, as in " Do you know what I was thinking about the other day ?......"

  If he is a "You should not question anything about the Org" type it may be difficult.

  My personal experience was that I intended to "fade" slowly, but one night I just decided I could, in all conscience, never go back. I just left, cold. I did not know how my wife would react to this, would I lose her altogether ? I had given myself no time to prepare the ground.

  Luckily she supported my decision, and left too, though she still misses the Social side of JW life after all these years. And she was slow to slough off all of her JW beliefs, which now she has done. But I was lucky.

  Prepare the way as much as you can. Good Luck !
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  truth_b_known

  TBK; How would you advice someone who had woken up and now found themselves in this situation?
  I think it would help those in such a situation.

  My thought initially has to deal with the age of the child. In the OP it is mentioned her child is a toddler. When the children are pre-school aged it is not as big of a deal as once they are old enough to start school. One of my children in first grade when I completely stopped being a Witness. The next school year (2nd grade) he was fully involved in all activities. He doesn't even remember much of life as a Witness. He knows we were Witnesses and can't remember any more. My youngest just started high school. He just learned we used to be Witnesses for the first time last week.

  It becomes an issue once the child starts forming lasting memories (around 5) and starts to be social with children (usually at school). This is where I would recommend the parent who is no longer a Witness to take the following approach with the parent who is still a Witness -

  • You may take the child to the meetings, assemblies, conventions, and field service. I will even help get our child ready.
  • Once our child gets old enough to start making some decisions on his/her own, let our child decide what he/she will participate in. Encourage your child to go to the meetings from time to time. It is still an opportunity to spend time with his/her father and bond.
  • If our child has questions we both will answer what we believe the answer is. If our answers are contradictory we will simply let our child know that most people do not agree on everything, but they still love one another. Teach the child it is important to respect people regardless of their beliefs. Let the child know they have the freedom to find out for themselves life's answers.
  • Remind the Witness spouse that many Jehovah's Witnesses were raised around the religion, but chose to be a Witness as an adult. Ask - "Would you rather our child to choose to worship Jehovah as an adult using his/her own freewill or would you rather force your beliefs on our child, possibly making him/her resent the religion?"

  I remember my last Memorial. My wife refused to go. One of our children was pleading to go. My wife approved of me going and taking our children. It was during that very Memorial that I realized that Jehovah's Witnesses did not have "The Truth". The next day I visited this website for the first time.
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  punkofnice

  Hello, Allie -

  My question is, how did your spouse react when you left?

  The cow left me and got married again to a jobo.