No this is not inside information. This more pokes fun at our limited human assumptions.
FROM: New Heavens
TO: Earthly Chieftain Class
DATE: Year 2, AA (After Armageddon)
RE: Notes for Newly Resurrected Ones
Brothers,
Please review the following items with those newly
resurrected. This information has been compiled based
on reports we are getting from down there on the
Earth. We need to get some control here, brothers.
1. When you were resurrected into your new body, you
were in the buff and clothes weren't part of the
package. Well, now that you're breathing again, please
put some clothes on. You are excited to be alive again
as God intended, but please - this may be the
paradise, but it isn't the Garden of Eden. There are
six million others here, and the image of you running
around with the wind whistling through your ...
whatever ... please cover up.
2. Now that you're here, you're anxious to build
yourself a new home, and that's commendable. However,
there are some guidelines we all must adhere to for
the benefit of all, and this particularly applies to
those of you who formerly lived in the certain parts
of the United States. NO TRAILERS. Does everyone
understand that? Houses can be made of wood or stone,
but no mobile homes. After all, trailer parks were one
of the reasons why God wiped out the old system.
3. With regards to food, we must ask you newly
resurrected ones to please get over the idea of eating
meat. This is particularly important in view of all
the animals walking around now. NO, you cannot have a
hamburger. Again, we don't mean to target certain ones
of you, but NO SQUIRREL either. Or fried chicken. You
will have to leave the dogs and cats alone too. Look,
everyone is going through adjustments to be here, it's
not just you....After a while, you will get used to
vegetables, really.
4. Many of you are anxious to get in touch with long
lost loved ones, but you're going to have to be
patient. There is no email anymore, so those of you
who were alive in the last days of the old system,
you're just going to have to rely on word of mouth and
letters for now. You can't go into chat rooms anymore
either. We don't have any plans for anything
resembling the internet until at least after Satan is
removed from his abyss and destroyed, so you're
looking at least 1,000 years. Now you can appreciate
how everyone else lived before the 1990s.
5. While we're speaking of technology, for those of
you who lived in the 1900s, television is also out for
now. Do you know how ugly the New World would look
with antennas sticking up all over the place? Have you
ever seen a satellite dish in any of the Society's New
World illustrations? We promised to get you here, and
you made it - that's great. But you're not going to be
able to catch up on all the episodes of Friends and ER
that you missed after you died.
7. One of the blessings of the new world is peace with
the animal realm, so it is sad that some are engaging
in practical jokes. On at least three occasions,
friends have evacuated the water and beaches of the
shore when someone on land thought it would be funny
to yell "Shark!" This put a good scare in everyone
until they realized that sharks are now as timid as
minnows. It may have been funny watching your brothers
and sisters run
from the water, but this isn't loving is it?
8. This may be the New World, but no, you still cannot
fly. Anyone attempting to do so by jumping off a high
cliff will not be saved by angels. This warning is the
only one you'll receive, so please don't try this. The
Master has stated anyone who does this will NOT
receive another resurrection.
9. In the old world, almost everyone, when asked "What
do you want to do in the New World", has said, "learn
to play an instrument." Therefore, many are doing this
today. However, please realize that you're not a very
good musician yet. Can you keep it down please? Close
the windows? Shut the doors? Turn down the amp?
Someday you may perfect this, but you will not be
perfect for at least 1,000 years, and neither will
your playing. Consideration people - that's all we're
asking.
10. Finally, we're all happy to be here in the New
World and there is much work to do. Everyone is
required to work, and we do have sufficient time off
to rest and recreate. Yet, it has been reported that
some brothers have attempted to call in and take SICK
DAYS. Brothers, there are NO SICK DAYS.
This is the New World, remember? No one will say, "I
am sick." You may have been able to use this excuse
for your worldly employer, but it won't be accepted
here.
Now, we hope everyone will cooperate with these points
for the benefit of everyone.
I'm bored and was going thru my dad's email and found this, got a little chuckle. We got it on 7/24/02 so it may have been posted always, sorry if it has. Also noticed that #6 is missing, anyone got it?
Hope you get a chuckle from anyone's twisted thinking
smyler