Passing this on for those who can benefit from rediscovering themselves, whether they were born into an abusive group or not.
Randy Watters
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Welcome to the Vol. 4, No. 3, September/October 2003 edition of the reFOCUS Forum: An Internet Newsletter for Recovery
reFOCUS is: ...a network of referral and support for former members of closed, high demand groups, relationships or cults.
reFOCUS is dedicated to the recovery of former members…please visit our web site at http://www.refocus.org We are a tax-exempt not-for-profit corporation - all contributions to reFOCUS are 100% tax deductible. Because reFOCUS is dedicated to recovery, we are looking for suggestions and input from you: are there articles or topics you want to see covered? Are there questions you need answered? Email us at [email protected] or [email protected]
Announcements: Upcoming Conferences and Workshops
AFF Conference Hartford, Connecticut (October 17-18) with one-day ex-member recovery workshop before the conference. For specifics:
http://www.cultinfobooks.com/infoserv_events/2003/aff_conference_2003_10ct_events.htm
Recovery Article of the Month
WHO AM I?????
(This handout was given to participants at the AFF Recovery Workshop in Estes Park in July 2003 – Leona Furnari, LCSW).
Re-discovering, Re-Inventing, Re-creating, Re-defining yourself. This is all part of the 3 rd stage of recovery (Langone, p.217).Whether you were raised in a cult, or joined as an adolescent or adult this piece of the recovery process can be challenging, scary and very exciting.
Anger is a powerful sign that the rediscovery process is underway!
Talk to people, try new foods, watch TV, read the newspaper, go to movies, exercise, walk around town, people-watch, window-shop, read, see a play, go to the library, meet new people, take a class. RELAX! Explore your sense of humor!
Go Slow!! In terms of boundaries – it is much better to start with tighter boundaries and slowly loosen them up, rather than to start with looser boundaries and then try to tighten them. You have a personal right to decide where to set your boundaries!
The rediscovering process is about getting to know yourself as an individual, as well as in the context of your family, community, society. You have been taught to NOT trust yourself, in this rediscovery process you are learning TO trust yourself.
If you were born into, or raised in a cult your process will perhaps be more challenging than if you had more of a pre-cult identity with which to reconnect. It may entail going through developmental tasks that help you gain a sense of trust and safety in yourself and environment in order to develop an individual identity. For those who joined a cult in later adolescence or adulthood, examining the pre-cult self/individual identity (likes, dislikes, strengths, education, career, etc.) is of utmost importance. Though you may still need to “re-do” some aspects of the basic developmental tasks you have at least some experience of yourself as an individual and in the culture separate from the group.
Tap into your own strengths. If you don’t know what those are, examine the things that you contributed to the group you were in, such as cooking, cleaning, accounting, selling, organizing, singing. Determination, discipline – these are qualities that can be helpful when looking for work, or just surviving! You may need to learn about managing your income and expenses and how to maintain a daily routine that suddenly is without overt and/or covert structure. Build your own structure into your life. Set small goals.
Remember what you’ve been through! Since you made it through that, and got out, you can do just about anything!
Who am I spiritually/politically? These are HUGE questions for those coming out of spiritual or political groups, and the answers are probably not black & white – though we were led to believe this in the groups! Becoming familiar and then comfortable with “gray” in our lives may take lots of time. Talk to others who have gone through this process for support.
Relationships, sexuality, marriage, family…re-exploring, or exploring these for the first time outside of the group requires patience. There are very few black & white solutions to these things, and your ideas and approaches will likely evolve as you become increasingly more secure in your sense of self.
Who do you admire? Why? Do you recognize any of those qualities in yourself. How might you develop those qualities.
If you could be/do anything you wanted who/what would that be?
Develop a resume – start by looking through the help wanted ads in your local paper. The internet has sites that give lots of info on creating a resume. Go to your local library and check out books about resume and career exploration and development.
Spiritually, who were you and what were your beliefs prior to the cult? If you were born into the cult you don’t have this to examine. Be cautious – if you find yourself jumping into something new, feeling “this is it” try to step back and give yourself time to learn about the new group, religion or practice.
One step at a time!!! Small steps will get you to your goals more solidly than will a few huge leaps. Remember that we, as human beings, are resilient!
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Comments, questions, and suggestions: email us!
reFOCUS, P.O. Box 2180 , Flagler Beach , FL 32136 904-439-7541
Web site: http://www.refocus.org
The reFOCUS Board of Directors consists of:
Carol Giambalvo, President/Secretary
Rick Seelhoff, Vice President
Mary Krawiec, Treasurer
David Clark
Maureen Griffo
Nancy Miquelon
Vanessa Weber
Advisor: Madeleine Tobias
Email: [email protected] or [email protected]