A Question:

Judith_01

Hi all,

Not sure if you remember me but I have posted here a few times and I read the boards whenever I get a chance (not very often now because baby No. 1 is on the way!)

I have a question for you all reguarding my cousin-in-law, hope you can help me. He is baptised but fell in love with a worldy girl and was pretty much living with her for a year but still attending meeting (the old double-life). He has since married her and has faded himself out. This was pretty easy because once he got married he moved to the other side of town and I am not sure if the elders know where he lives now. His parents are very strict but live a long way away so they don't know what is going on but they do know that he no longer attends.

Is he officially disassociated but simply fading or would he have to make some kind of formal announcement/declairation? Also, he spends a lot of time looking over his shoulder, worried that he will run into an elder who will put the pressure on to return and maybe find out about his double-life. He says he wants to be out for good and will never go back. But, how can he stop the do-gooders from trying to get to him? He once said to me that it would be easier if he was disfellowshipped because then he knows they would not bother him anymore.

What is the best thing for him to do? Also, can he be disfellowshipped while he is inactive or would he have to return first? So, if he stays away, can they still kick him out?

thanks for your help

Jude

Odrade

he could go back to the original congregation and "confess" but not be "repentant." They would surely disfellowship him. Or he could write a letter of disassociation. Or he could just quit looking over his shoulder. If they come around and he wants to be free of them, he can just tell them what he feels. They will do the rest. His JW family will probably shun him though, and maybe this is what he is trying to avoid by not talking to the elders.

Really, there is not enough information here. What does your cousin want?

Odrade

Judith_01

I guess he really wants a way to get out and stay out. I think his logic is that if he is disfellowshipped he won't have to bother with the people in his town who know he was a witness and feel it necessary to pressure him. He also constantly worries that they will find out that he was living "in sin" before he was married but if he is disfellowshipped then what will they care if they do find out? I don't think he is too worried about his parents because they live so far away and he has little contact with them since the wedding anyway....

Lady Lee

Sounds like he needs to stop living in fear of them. They have no power except what he gives them. Go live life and ignore them.

If they show up tell them you can't ot won't talk. If they DF him well big deal

Or just go and tell them and get it over with

Fear is no way to live

Nosferatu

Sounds like he needs to stop living in fear of them. They have no power except what he gives them. Go live life and ignore them.

Excellent advice from Lady Lee.

I used to be in the same boat. I was always worried what would happen if I ran into any JWs in public. I NEEDED to get rid of this fear.

I found that it's much more than worrying what someone thinks of you. If you've looked upon these people as "authority" all your life, you're going to be in fear of running into them if you've done something against their wishes.

My mother had arranged for a JW to come and discuss the issues I had. I was determined to say what I wanted to say, and not kiss his ass. When he rang the doorbell, I immediately invited him in. I was quite nervous. We had a discussion, and I told him about my new beliefs, and of course, he tried to convince me that the Society was right.

What I basically did was face my fear of JWs head on. That's all it is - fear of JWs. Whenever I see a JW in public, I immediately go up to him/her and make conversation. When you take action like this, you'll see that these people are NOTHING to be afraid of. They're just people with a stupid dream of living in Paradise Erf.

wheres caleb?

Hi Judith,

Both Lady Lee and Nosferatu gave you the best advice. The only thing that I would add is that he doesn't have to admit to anything, just live his life. He cannot be disfellowshipped for marrying someone out of the faith. If he was intimately involved before marriage, only his conscience can move him to admit this if he felt compelled to. The consequence would depend on any remorse and I do mean sincere remorse. If there is none, then he is entitled to go on with his life not having to validate the precepts of this religion. Like was mentioned before, the only authority they have is the authority we give them.

The only question that I would ask: Is our relationship with God an influence in our life or our we intimidated by the position that we attribute to men? No one can judge us except God. JW's are given authority to keep the congregation clean and that involves a minimal amount of judgement. If he is not going to meetings and doesn't want to go, then he is entitled to live his life the way he chooses. He is going his own way and is no threat to the spirituality of the congregation. (That would or should be the conclusion of the elder body)

Encourage him not to waste time and just concentrate on being the best husband that he can be. Best wishes.

Maverick

You got some great advice here already but I would like to add that he was brainwashed, and should go through some deprogramming. Tell him about this site. He will see a lot here and this will help him lose the fear of the duds! Should he run into some dud that knows him, he can act like he doesn't know them. Or if he is not a good actor just blow by them. But he should be exorcised of his WatchTower demons. Maverick

mizpah

Judith:

I'm not sure what the official position is these days. But years ago one had to be officially disfellowshipped or disassociated. There were individuals who did a "fade out" by moving to another area. Sometimes people would say "well, he disassociated himself." But family members and friends could still have association with this person since nothing was done officially. The person was merely considered to be "weak."

My brother-in-law "faded out' when he moved to California. His wife and children still associated. But he condemned the Watchtower Society and thought the elders were "bastards." His wife and children never reported him because they loved him and didn't want the family life to change. (I admired them for this.) Sadly, when he died the "bastards" performed his funeral service.

Jehovah's Witnesses seem to need the official labelling regardless of how a person may feel about the organization.

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