You can find Part 1 here http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/59888/1.ashx
You can find Part 2 here http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/59937/1.ashx
You can find Part 3 here http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/60068/1.ashx
The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse - Part 4
David Johnson & Jeff VanVonderen 1991 Bethany House Publishers
The following series of excerpts will be without comment from me in the initial post. I would be interested in reading your thoughts on this book and their ideas.
PART 4
Pp 95 ? 104
Chapter 8 Revictimizing Victims
Sometimes, because of how God's Word has been applied, it has not been a help but a hindrance. Instead of a lamp and a light leading people in the path of truth, it has been employed as a tool to keep in the dark those secrets that destroy families and churches. Instead of being "revived by His precepts" (Psalm 119:93), some victims of various kinds of abuse have been further abused and betrayed as the Word has been misused to minimize their pain and excuse their perpetrators. For some, healing has been short-circuited: Jesus' precept, "the truth will set you free," has been replaced by man's precepts, "to be nice is better than to be honest" and "keep the (false) peace at all costs."
This chapter will show a few of the ways wounded people have experienced God's Word in an unhelpful, even revictimizing way. Let's look at them.
Never Resist
Matthew
5:39-"But I say to you, do not resist him who is evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also." Is Jesus serious? Yes, He is-more serious than most of us realize.But is Jesus, whose Father in the Old Testament had His people annihilate armies and wipe out entire countries for being evil, really telling people not to fight against evil? Or worse yet, is He really suggesting that we should leave ourselves in harm's way? This, in fact, is the advice that many already victimized people receive in abusive systems.
This verse is often used to encourage abuse victims to stay in bad situations and continue being abused. This verse is often wrongly quoted to people who have been humiliated or given bad counsel by Christian leaders. There are several things to notice about the context in which this passage falls. First, it is found in a chapter that begins with, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven," and ends with, "Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Second, it falls in a particular section that begins with, "For I say to you, that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven." Third, it is preceded by the verse, "You have heard it said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' "
To understand this passage, we must raise some questions. Does being "poor in spirit" result in getting a person into heaven, or is it the person who achieves "righteousness that surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees"? Which is it? And how can we ever hope to be perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect? Is Jesus giving abuse victims a prescription for how they should live, or is He raising the issue of how a person enters the kingdom?
How these issues are understood has great impact, both eternally and on how we live in the meantime. First, He is teaching the disciples about issues that will concern the multitude-lepers, prostitutes, tax-gatherers, and Pharisees. He is not telling wounded people that it is somehow spiritually virtuous to allow themselves to be wounded again. Yet religious helpers counseled many people who have been propelled back into abusive relationships through the use of this verse, even though the context clearly indicates that the issue is that of righteousness and how a person enters the kingdom.
When faced with the prospect of having righteousness that surpasses that of the Pharisees, the wrong response is to try hard. The correct response is to look at your lack of righteousness and your own inability to generate it and say, "I can't do that." Now we have a broken person, poor in spirit. The kingdom belongs to broken people.
Likewise, when faced with the prospect of trying to be perfect like God, the wrong response is to try hard. The right response is to fall on our face in the presence of God's perfect grace and say, "I can't do it. I need a gift." Hebrews 7:19 says, "[for the Law made nothing perfect), and on the other hand there is a bringing in of a better hope, through which we draw near to God." And now look at Hebrews 10:14: "For by one offering He has perfected for all time those who are sanctified."
"An eye for an eye" (Matthew 5:38) was the form of justice instituted in the Old Testament to protect victims from people who were more powerful or affluent. But the heart of the rule was not vengeance ("Make sure you get an eye for an eye!"), it was, "Make sure you only get an eye for an eye."
At the time of Jesus, the Pharisees (the religiously powerful and affluent) were making sure they got an eye for an eye. After all, those are the rules. By reminding them of the rule, Jesus has already confronted their heart as it is revealed by their response to human offenses: The legalist will always want to see another punished, or made to perform as a compensation for weakness or sin.
Then Jesus goes on to say something that would have been heard very differently, depending on the listener. "Let yourself be victimized again." To the poor, powerless victims of the system, it probably sounded like business as usual. After all, what could they do to prevent it anyway? To a Pharisee, however, it would have sounded ludicrous. This wasn't playing by the rules. What did Jesus mean? To find out what He meant, they would have to follow after Him, listen and observe as He lived out the answer. And so must we.
The Greek language indicates that the kind of slap to which Jesus was referring was a backhand slap. This was not merely an act of violence, it was an act of disdain. For the one slapped, it was extremely humiliating. Picture the powerful, self-righteous Pharisees, adorned in religious splendor, who "love the place of honor. . . and respectful greetings in the market places." How would a person whose heart was like this respond to Jesus' command? If the response Jesus wanted was one of compliance, the result would be a slapped-up Pharisee, who thought he was even more righteous than before.
But an average Pharisee, who gets his sense of identity, value, and meaning from what people think, could never take a backhand slap. The normal person would respond, "I could never do that-I must be a spiritual failure." At this point Jesus had a "poor in spirit" person. And "blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven." Jesus offered a gift to spiritual failures.
Wives, Submit-Even if it Kills You
We have counseled far too many Christian women who were being brutalized, emotionally crushed, even bloodied by Christian husbands. And we have listened, appalled, to the "counsel" given by pastors and other spiritual leaders to these wounded daughters of God all too often: "Wives, submit to your husbands. . ."
This mishandling of Scripture is, sadly, widespread, and used to press abused women into staying in destructive situations. We offer one of many case histories.
Charlotte was being battered by her husband. ? This happened on a regular basis over a period of six years.
In addition, during most of the marriage Charlotte's husband had been involved in numerous affairs with single and married women, including teenagers and friends of his wife. At the same time he was active in the church. ?
Charlotte went to the leaders in her church. She told them about the length and degree of abuse. She told them about the incident with her son. They listened supportively, for a while. With tear-filled eyes she was finally able to say, "I am afraid for my life. I don't think I can stay with my husband anymore."
Their response was not what she needed to hear: "If you leave your husband, you will be out of the will of God. You must stay." They also said that her son had been disobedient and should have listened to his father, God's covering over him.
There was no support. No help. And their statement added despair to despair. Her heartache was multiplied as these men she trusted subjected her to an hour-long Bible verse session, "proving" their point.
The travesty of how abused women are silenced and made to remain in abusive situations through the use of God's Word is as widespread as it is appalling. Charlotte's case, though one woman's story, will sound like the stories of many victims of scriptural abuse. What did Charlotte hear in that hour-long Bible session?
First, she was told that if she left her husband, she would be depriving her children of the "heritage" of observing a "godly response to suffering." They told her, "Children learn more by example than by talk." Then they referred her to 1 Peter 2:13-15: Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong. . . for it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men. (NIV)
First of all, it's important to note that this passage is addressed to slaves, not wives. The fact that it was quoted to Charlotte says more, perhaps, about the view these men have about wives. In fact, in chapter 3 verse 7 of the same epistle, Peter urges husbands to live with wives in an understanding way, to grant them honor, and to treat them as fellow-heirs of God's grace. This behavior on the part of husbands would run exactly contrary to the ancient view (and all too prevalent present view) of women as inferior beings. His reference to women as weaker vessels refers to their physical vulnerability-a quality to be understood, not exploited. In fact, Peter insinuates that God doesn't hear the prayers of husbands who act contrary to this instruction.
In 1 Peter 3:1-2, the apostle instructs wives to submit to husbands who are disobedient to the Word, in order that they may be won to God. This directly follows a passage (in chapter 2) that talks about persevering when you are mistreated because you have done right. The larger context begins with 1 Peter 2:13, with the instruction to submit to human institutions that are sent by God "for the punishment of evildoers and the praise of those who do right."
Now we must ask: Who is the evildoer in an abusive marriage-the husband who is abusive, or the wife who exposes a crime?
It is not "evil" for the wife to expose a crime. It would be wrong to keep quiet and stay, or leave the relationship and say nothing. The bigger question that needs to be asked is this: Is Peter telling Christians in general, and then slaves and wives in particular, to do right by submitting, or is he telling them to do right and submit? Because of the larger context, we have come to the conclusion that Peter is telling Christians to do right and submit. How would an abused Christian do right and submit at the same time? We believe it would be to stay in the relationship with the person-if necessary from a safe, protected distance-and at the same time to hold the accuser accountable to the laws of the land for the abuse. This represents, in our opinion, the most caring, submissive response for everyone involved.
One of the most severe abuses of these particular passages was told to me by a woman who had an interaction with her pastor. She told him about the fact that she had recently been strangled to un-consciousness by her husband and felt she needed to escape to safety. His response? "Stay with him and if he kills you, God will use that to draw him to himself." ?
Friends in Christ, this is sad, sick counsel. This is the "heritage" that is being left to the children in families where abusers are not held accountable: Eighty-five percent of men who batter their wives, and thirty percent of their victims, grew up in violent homes.! Abusers are made, not born.2 So you see, Charlotte's leaders did make a statement that was true. Children do learn more from example than from words. In a family where violence is observed by the children but not addressed in a healthy way, little boys and girls learn perverted views of how men and women are to relate to each other. This heritage is right from the pit of hell.
Just Forgive Matthew /8:2/-22-"Then Peter came and said to Him, 'Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.' "
This is another verse that can be terribly abusive if taken out of context and used against Christians for the wrong reasons. It is so frequently misused that we feel it's necessary to take some time to explore the true meaning.
Misapplications of this vary, including: "Don't notice the abuse," "What's wrong with you that you can't forgive?" and "You have an unforgiving spirit, or a root of bitterness." It has also been used to get people to act as if they forgive an offender before they really do. When this happens they continue to struggle with forgiving them over and over again, and are indicted because they haven't been able to let the matter drop. But the matter cannot be dropped because wrong was never addressed.
Once again, the context is very helpful. This passage falls within a chapter that begins with the disciples' question, "Who then is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" The chapter ends with a story of an unforgiving servant and a king who, moved with anger against this person, "handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him." The final verse in the chapter contains Jesus' warning, "So shall My heavenly Father also do to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart."
Again, the emphasis is on integrity, purity of heart rather than covering up.
We have already discussed Matthew 18: 15-17 in the previous chap- ter. We want to say more at this time about Jesus' statement in verse 17, "Let [a willing sinner] be to you as a Gentile and a tax-gatherer."
First, to a Jew, a Gentile was a person to stay away from, because being with them could lead to ritual defilement. Second, tax-gatherers in a way were even worse. A tax-gatherer was a Jewish person who collected taxes for the Romans-someone who was supposed to be on your side but who was working for the enemy. Again, stay away.
Jesus did not say "make him be . . ." He said "let him be." Your choice to stay away from this person does not cause him to be anything. His own hurtful actions and refusal to repent make him the unsafe person that he is. You are simply acknowledging the reality of the situation.
Even so, Jesus proposed that there be three confrontations before you give up on an offender. That is because three times was Jewish tradition: After three times you could give up on the person knowing that you had done your part. It is in that light that we need to under- stand Peter's question, "Up to seven times?" It is as if he is thinking, "If three is good, seven is even better." Peter seems to be searching for the formula for how to be the greatest, which is the question that began the chapter. In this context, Peter appears to be trying to dis- cover how to achieve righteousness based on how forgiving you are.
Jesus gives His answer, "Seventy times seven." Four hundred and ninety times! Then is that the magic number? Can we stop at 490? Are we righteous after that? What if Peter's question had been, "How many times should I forgive my brother-490 times?" We believe Jesus would have said, "No, seventy times seventy times seven." He wasn't
trying to tell people a right number when it comes to forgiving. He was pushing the standard out past the range of human performance.
Upon hearing Jesus' answer, our response should not be to try hard to forgive someone more times. Our response should be, "Where does that kind of forgiveness come from? No matter how hard I try I can't do that." Our response should be, "If that's the case, I give up. I'm poor in spirit." Do you remember Jesus' warning? He who cannot forgive from the heart will find himself handed over to the torturers. Jesus is telling us many things with this story; first, that one "from-the-heart" forgiveness is better than 490 "forgivenesses" that come from trying hard or pretending. In other words, forgiveness is so important that it must be real. Second, he is showing where true forgiveness comes from. It doesn't come from self-effort, designed to meet some standard. It comes from realizing our desperate situation and that our only hope is in God's mercy, and then letting it flow into our hearts.
That was the man's problem in the parable of the debtor who owed the king the great sum of money. When asked to pay a debt he couldn't, his response was not one of brokenness-he didn't ask for mercy. He said, "Give me some time and I will pay." No wonder he was unfor- giving toward his fellow slave who owed him a little. The first man never accepted the great forgiveness available to him.
Finally, this teaching follows Jesus' charge to let an unrepentant offender "be as a tax-gatherer." I think this means that it is possible both to forgive someone and still stay away from them. Forgiving someone means you release them from debt. It does not necessarily mean you are going to trust them, or have a close relationship with them again. As Luke 17:3 says, "Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents forgive him." Notice that in this passage, our forgiveness of another is based on their repentance.
Conditional forgiveness? Does God forgive those who don't repent? Does God hold us accountable to do something He himself is unwilling to do? We only know that we are to forgive. But "from the heart" forgiveness results from the process of realizing our own need for forgiveness and letting in God's mercy, not from covering up hurt, or trying hard to forgive enough times.
Never Appeal to Secular Authorities
1 Corinthians 6:1-2-"Does anyone of you, when he has a case against his neighbor, dare to go to law before the unrighteous, and not before the saints? Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is judged by you, are you not competent to constitute the smallest law courts?"
A woman who was filing criminal charges against a former pastor for sexually exploiting her during their counseling relationship was told, "It's judgmental and unchristian for you to take him to court. It's against 1 Corinthians 6!" She was being told to shut up, though little or nothing was being done to rectify the problem. The results of the abuse of this Scripture are that offenders are not held accountable for their behavior, and they are even allowed to continue in their sin.
What this passage is referring to is a civil suit. In a civil case, one party is the plaintiff (going to law with a case against his neighbor) and one is the defendant. More than likely, Paul is referring to a fight between Christians over a cow, a piece of property, or a sum of money. He affirms the fact that the ability to decide such matters lies within the body of Christ. Unfortunately, in some places the saints are part of the cover-up.
If the passage was referring to a criminal case, then Paul's Romans 13 instructions concerning governing authorities are meaningless. Indeed, Romans 13 is the passage that refers to God's provision for dealing with criminal activities. In a criminal case the state is the plaintiff. The governing authorities are God's sword, used to avenge wrongdoing.
In the case of the sexually assaulted woman, what the pastor did was illegal. But for all her humiliation, she was further abused- accused during the case by scores of people in the church of trying to seduce the pastor. But even if she did try to seduce him, while that would have been immoral, what he did was illegal. Her behavior would not justify his. There is no legal reason for a pastor to become sexually involved with a counselee. Someone is supposed to be the healthy person: Shouldn't it be the spiritual helper?
This was not an instance of someone going to court against a neighbor. It was a case of the governing authorities going to court against someone for breaking the laws of the land. The woman was a witness for the state because she was the victim of the crime. When a pastor or counselor becomes sexually involved with a counselee, it is a crime. When a husband batters his wife, it is a crime. When a parent abuses or neglects a child, it is a crime. Reporting a crime does not go against 1 Corinthians 6. Being a Christian does not exempt someone from being held legally accountable for their behaviors.
Never Deal with the Past Philippians 3:/3-/4-" . . . forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
Many we have counseled have had this verse used to prod them into silence about the painful, unresolved issues of the past.
One man who began to talk about the abuse in his family started getting placards containing this and other verses through the mail. He would also find them on his dresser, dashboard and refrigerator.
A victim who goes along with this abusive application of this pas- sage will freeze up their pain and, more than likely, find themselves in a state of depression or some other more severe form of emotional distress later on.
What Paul is really referring to in this passage is all of his religious performance from which he used to draw his sense of spiritual life and acceptance. In verses 1-3 of this chapter, he reminds us to rejoice in the Lord, not in our religious behavior. In verses 4-6, he makes a list of all the things he did in the name of God, attempting to find spiritual life and meaning. In verses 7-11, he says that he left his list behind and considers it trash "for the sake of the surpassing value of knowing Christ." And in verses 12-16, he describes the process of living in the spiritual presence of Jesus, so as to be transformed, rather than performing according to some list. He is focused upon Jesus, and leaves behind his own religious behavior as the means of getting accepted by God.
Conclusion: God Is For Those Who Hurt
Matthew 12:15-21 contains a wonderful, encouraging description of Jesus' stance toward those who' are broken and wounded. He healed all who were brought to him (v. 15), and He brought justice to the Gentiles (v. 18). But look at verse 20: "A battered reed he will not break off, and a smoldering wick He will not put out."
Are you feeling like a battered reed? God is for you, to make you straight and strong once again. Are you a smoldering wick? His Spirit is yours, to fan your broken heart to a passionate flame toward Him and others. God will not throw us out if we are broken.
God does not have a problem with our pain, or with our process of coming to spiritual health. In 2 Corinthians 7, Paul himself admits to exhaustion, fear and depression. But he also rejoices in "God, who comforts the depressed" (v. 7).