“This shatters all previous records,” University of Chicago psychologist Douglas McAllister said Monday. “In all of documented medical history, there is no case of a newborn taking less than four months to develop the mental faculties required to grasp the full extent of this nightmare called Jehovah’s Witnesses.”
“Considering he already comprehends harsh realities that most Jehovah’s Witnesses spend their entire fleeting, shallow existences attempting to deny, Baby Nathan is quite the little miracle!” he added.
Though he has not yet developed the capacity for speech, extensive cognitive testing has definitively shown that the shockingly perceptive 6-day-old fully understands and accepts that Jehovah’s Witnesses cannot be trusted, that they remain far too ignorant for their opinions to be reliable, that a lack of self-awareness about their own destructive cult pervades them as a whole, and that most are too ineffectual to successfully pursue facts evidence and reason.
Sources said the early-blooming newborn was putting two and two together about the real nature of the Jehovah’s Witnesses cult even before leaving the hospital, where his first sensory experiences included the shouts of sick people arguing to get treatment they urgently needed, visitors staring vacantly at smartphones as they scanned JW.org for fear inspired motivation.
Local reports confirmed the baby’s disillusionment was only compounded by the fact that he spent his first days in the bleak and soulless company of Jehovah’s Witness relatives , their empty cult non-culture allowing him to realize in record time that all JW pursuits are cold, joyless, and devoid of any substantive purpose or integrity.
“For a baby, he sure is an insightful little guy,” Nathan’s mother, Melanie Jameson, told reporters. “My husband and I are a loveless, narcissistic couple whose weird, freaked-out neediness and anxieties—which we sublimate under a mask of facile self-regard—would normally be introjected into our child’s forming psyche over the course of years. But this talented fella just took it all in at once!”
“We’re awfully proud to have such a precocious son,” she added, her face displaying no genuine emotion.
According to household sources, Baby Nathan has already noticed that his father, Michael Jameson, resents the infant’s 3 am. crying, feels more trapped than ever in his sham-marriage now that he’s a father, and is inwardly building an ever-growing wall against the reality of his JW cult life one mid-afternoon cocktail at a time.
“The kid’s not even a week old, and he has the thousand-yard stare of a laid off Bethel worker,” said psychologist Helen James, one of the cognitive scientists who verified that by his third day of life, Nathan had already begun to sense the overwhelming air of desperation surrounding the Jehovah’s Witness Cult. “That look that says, ‘I’ve finally given up on the reassuring fictions that prop up JW’s delusional self-image as dignified, intelligent, or decent in any way.’ He knows the truth.”
“At this point, he shouldn’t even be able to distinguish between himself and the rest of humanity, let alone have the capacity to identify a blood guilty Cult,” James continued. “Evidently, the Jehovah’s Witnesses Cult has gotten even more depressing than it already was.
“My God, I had no idea that Jehovah’s Witnesses were so harmful,” she added.
At press time, there were unconfirmed reports that Baby Nathan had used the wind-up mobile above his crib to hang himself.