Have any successully faded away?

by lookingnow22 8 Replies latest jw friends

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  lookingnow22

  I would be interested in hearing from any of you that have successfully "faded away" from the WBTS. I realize that there is no easy way to leave because of the way that the JW's will treat me. Mainly, I am concerned with my family. They are all reasonable people, but have strong convictions to the Watchtower, and do actually have better lives because of it.

  Anyway, I'm not really asking for advice, just hopefully some input from ones who have made their own conscientious decision to not be an active JW without losing their family and friends.

  I know that's asking a lot.

  ahh heck, no peace today...but LOTS of love,
  Looking
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  TR

  I would have faded away, if it weren't for my getting pissed and sending a DA letter to the WTS and the local Hall. That precipitated a visit from the elders, who denied receiving the letter, btw. I moved, and that took me out of the picture for a while. Moving is a good way to "fade away".

  TR

  "Kults Suck"
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  AlanF

  Plenty of people have successfully faded away. However, the fading leads inevitably to relationships lost to a lesser or greater extent.

  The key to a 'successful' fade -- by which I mean one in which the fader is not overtly DF'd or DA'd -- is to avoid confrontation with JWs, and especially with elders. The most successful technique when approached by JWs who "just want to know" why you no longer associate is to mumble things about not being sure of a lot, but that you just don't want to talk about it. They won't like it, but as long as they don't perceive you as a threat, you're pretty safe. These days the Society is relatively careful about going after people who quietly leave. Of course, there are no guarantees, and if you find some idiot elder who wants your butt at all costs, the Society will not generally tell him to back off. In that case your last resort is to threaten the elder with a lawsuit and back it up by having your lawyer send the elders and the Society a "back off" order. Then there's a good chance that the elder will quit harassing you, and the Society may well instruct him to back off so as to avoid a lawsuit. It just isn't worth their while to pursue someone who they know is not a threat.

  I successfully faded to a certain extent, but only after threatening the elders with a libel suit if they made any public announcements about my status or lack thereof as a JW. I made sure that I talked to just ONE elder on the phone, told him I was not a threat to anyone in his congregation, and told him not to make any statements, public or private, about my status. I told him, "If you leave me alone, I will leave you alone." He agreed, and that was that.

  Sometimes a friend or relative might just take it upon himself to shun you simply for leaving the JWs. Not much you can do about that, but that's part of the cost of having been involved in a cult. But as long as you don't officially get DF'd or DA'd, the decision is entirely in their hands and they will have to live with it. They won't have the excuse, "the Society made me do it."

  Hope this helps.

  AlanF
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  betweenworlds

  My fading seems to be going pretty uneventfully. (So far that is) My family, who isn't active, (except for my brother) are still in the mindset that Jehovah's Witnesses have the truth. They know that I am not active, and they also know, to some degree that I no longer believe that JWs have *the truth*. They are all still speaking with me and except for the occasional "I think the witnesses have the truth because........" The subject isn't even broached. The elders haven't been back since before the memorial (which I didn't attend)And everything has been basically, blissfully quiet as regards the JWs. YAY!!!! Hope it continues in this vein.

  BW
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  jukief

  I successfully faded away, too, for all the good it did me. Back in 1984, I told the elders I wasn't going to attend meetings or turn in time any longer, that I was leaving my JW husband, and that I was taking my children and moving to another city to go to college. They were OK with that, as long as I wasn't leaving to run off with another man! (I wasn't.)

  I had a bit of trouble a few years later when I remarried, but the Society didn't end up doing anything about it (except for a lame letter telling the elders in my old congregation that they didn't have grounds to take any judicial action against me but that my family should be advised not to associate with me except for "family business"). So I've never been DFed or DAed. But my brother (a PO) and my sister (married to a PO) shun me anyway. The fact that I "left Jehovah" (and that nasty letter from the Society) is all they need for an excuse. You can imagine how scared they are of me now that I'm married to that horrible apostate AlanF!

  I saw and spoke to my brother for the first time in 10 years last spring when my dad was in the hospital and we thought he might not live. I guess an imminent death qualifies as "family business." But my parents' 50th anniversary didn't. Go figure.

  JukieF
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  Thirdson

  I faded away (I thought only old soldiers did that) but like TR said moving away helped. I moved a long, long way away, had a little involvement and then moved again. No one has ever come looking for me in over 4 years. However, I made it clear to some family members that I no longer believed in the WTS, the FDS/GB or much of the Bible for that matter. I have a strained relationship with my parents and two siblings have little to do with me. The rest of my family (siblings) quit or (aunts, uncles) never were JW's.

  As I moved I severed some friendships but they weren't that strong to begin with. In all honesty, my oldest friend who I have known since I was a teenager has never been a JW. I'm 41 on Sunday and my friend is 53. He's visiting the US on business next month and will be spending a weekend with me.

  I suppose now, I couldn't careless whether I was DF'd or DA'd, shunning has no effect when you have no contact with JW's. And if it did happen I wouldn't tell my family.

  Thirdson

  'To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing'
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  Skeptic

  lookingnow22,

  AF's advice, as usual, is great.

  I have successfully faded away, but even then there is a cost. Some of my JW relatives refuse to talk to me - they found out about my website, and that I help JWs leave; that was the last straw for them.

  Most of my JW relatives will talk to me, but just a bare minimum to be polite. My niece does not shun me, but will not talk to me about the JW religion at all. That is fine with me; I have little desire to push what I know on my JW friends and family.

  In Canada, especially in the Ottawa area, elders leave you alone if you leave quietly. There has been much bad publicity about DFing in the past in Ottawa.

  If you decide to fade away, consider not DAing yourself or getting DFed. At least by your own actions. Many who wanted to "stand up for their convictions" later regretted it when their family shunned them.

  Elders may call and ask you if you think the Society represents the true religion. LIE and say yes to this question. In my case, I told the elders that "I am basically an atheist, so the question of which religion is the true religion is a moot point. So, sure, I will say the JWs are the true religion. If you want, I will also say the Catholic Church is the true religion. If there is no God, then there is no sense in discussing which religion is true." That answer may not satisfy most elders.

  In my case, I am lucky. One of the elders knew I was an atheist, and that I was no threat. He wanted me not to be DFed, so the elders classified me as having "grave doubts". I was not disciplined at all. At that time I was not going in field service or going to meetings.

  My first wife's JW in-laws talked to me normally. When my JW sister-in-law tried to shun me, I just said, "I have not been DFed. You are committing no sin by talking to me." After that, she treated me normally; she has always liked me, and I think she did not really want to shun me. Ironically, it is my brother who has shunned me.

  Richard
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  Mulan

  We faded away four years ago. It took us two years to do it. My husband resigned as an elder in 1996, stating that he needed to devote more time to his wife's spirituality, which was obviously not in good shape (that was me). Then he went to work in Japan for several months, and I feigned colds and flu, and didn't go to many meetings. When he returned home, he had a beard, and I loved it, so he kept it for awhile. He was still very much respected because he had been an elder for 25 years, but we attended very few meetings. His older brother died very suddenly from an aggressive cancer, in July 1997, and we went to California for his memorial (they were aware of "the truth" like we were) and when we came back we only attended book study. We assume they felt we were still grieving and left us alone. In January 1998, we stopped going to book study altogether, and since that time, no one has called on us, but the rumors are running rampant, and the general opinion is that we are apostate, thanks to my mother, who tells anyone who asks!! Anyway, most people shun us, but there are a few who still talk openly to us, and I have one really good friend who calls me everyday, and we go to lunch at least once a week. She has met many of my df'd friends and even went with me to visit them for a weekend, with no repurcussions at all. She knows most of what we know, but feels stuck because of her family. I think the key to fading away, is to do it gradually and don't tell anyone what you are doing. Make up an excuse about ill health or whatever. When I quit the ministry school, I said I had to help my mother who was having eye surgery, and I never joined again.
  A friend of ours moved to a nearby congregation, and then said he was moving to another congregation, and they just never showed up.
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  Lindy

  I started fading away about 8 years ago. I had a lot of doubts and my meeting attendance slipped greatly. My Mom (a JW) got colon cancer that had already spread through out her body. I spent most of my time doing things for her and taking care of my family. I hated the way she was treated while she went down hill. The brothers were remodeling our KH and just didn't have time for a sister who had been faithful to Jehovah for some 35 years. I had to beg for ones to visit her in the nursing home, with few exceptions. When she did die I had to beg the brother that she chose to do her memorial talk, who knew the all those years, to find the time to do it for her. It all made me sick. We moved away about 1 1/2 years later into the neighboring territory. We went to the first two memorials and 3 meetings within the first couple of years. No one bothered with us during that time nor since. I get calls from a sister when my subs run out and that's about it. It has really been great. Such peace, especially since I have done years of research on the net and elsewhere and really know the facts about the "Truth". True freedom!
  I have a few in-laws that are JW's but two families are in Texas. The ones close here just stay clear. When we have contact we talk and that is all. It will be interesting though soon. My one SIL is dying from cancer. Her husband is DF and she had made it clear years ago that she is not interested in being a JW anymore. She has gone on to celebrate the holidays and never looked back. Another SIL is also considered and "apostate". The JW sister has been in regular contact with the sister with the cancer. I am glad that she is but it seems so hypocritical. But I guess she soothes her conscience with the fact that it is a "family" situation and allowable. Sad. But I do wonder how all will act when the ill sister dies. There are close cousins too that are JW's and I wonder how they will handles things then also. Should be interesting. But I assume that all will behave to some degree. It is so sad the the JW beliefs divide families like they do. The one set of cousins has gone out of the way to avoid me now for over a year, since the last time that I was with them I expounded on the things that I had found out and they were to shocked to deal with them. Never came to my youngest daughter's grad party last year either. But a new life has replaced them and life has gotten better. I have more time and a lot less quilt. I am going to college now and life gets more real every day.
  Wish you the best in your choice. Take it slow and easy, it is usually the best way to handle it JW-wise and emotionaly. There is a lot of emotions to deal with depending on how long you are in and how involved you are while in.

  Lindy (Antique)