Could use some advice, divorce and children

SonOfLiberty

I understand a lot of you have had experience with different situations but I just need to see if there is anything to shed light on my situation.

I separated from my wife of 13 yrs (been apart for the past 2 now), and left. This was our second separation. I couldn't deal with her ways anymore so I chose to leave. I knew obviously this would affect how the congregation viewed me so I left the congregation too as I felt guilty anyway so couldn't really go to meetings anymore, though I wouldn't have minded continuing as I had plenty of friends and good relationships.

Anyway, I got tired of her bullying even apart. It came down to me just going out on her and committing adultery just in hopes of her leaving me alone. I promptly wrote her a letter admitting it and gave it to her. Of course she still did not stop her badgering me.

Anyway, I think she's finally after these two years, realized I'm not going back to her. And we've been able to make some kind of peace in the last 3 weeks. Now she's telling me that I need to come back because I will not be able to talk to my kids 2 of which are baptized and that they will probably DF me. In the 2 year period I've been gone, I've talked to maybe 3 brothers. 2 elders and 1 brother that has always been nice to me. All 3 though have merely just been to check on me and not so much any kind of official congregation business.

Now I am worried as to how all this will affect my young children. My 14yr old is baptized and my oldest is too. but my middle son isn't. My oldest already doesn't really communicate with me at all save for when he needs something. But I have a great relationship with my two younger ones, I see them almost daily and they stay with me weekly.

I just don't know what to really do now, I seem to have this dread of waiting some kind of visit or call or something for more "official" business especially regarding my letter. Any thoughts?

cha ching

So sorry you are going thru this... Focus on your children, do not let even the "brothers" bully you, by making you go to a judicial hearing.

Build your relationship with your two children (and even your older one if possible) by taking them camping, bowling, arts & crafts, music, all of the things you miss as a J-dub.

They will love being with you, and just may find a way to open their minds to new ideas.... You ARE the other parent, you have just as MUCH a right to raise your children according to YOUR ideas as your wife does. What if you had always been Catholic. Why wouldn't a Catholic father have just as much say as a JW wife? What if she tried to prevent HIM from taking them to church? Both parents have rights. Don't forget that.

That being said, do NOT meet with AN elder, two elders or any "let's just talk" thing.... Nope, don't do it. Don't answer the phone, door, etc...If they DO happen to run into you, tell them you have things you are working thru. You are "depressed", you are "whatever"...... Do not give them details... Sorry....

The minute you go down the rabbit hole, you are a done deal... DF'd.

SonOfLiberty

Thank you for your time and response. Surprisingly the elders have not really bothered me at all. I just don't want to be DFed and lose anything with my children. I know they would choose me over my ex, but I don't even want them to have to have such a choice. I just want to raise them together as single parents. I did write that letter, but it was only for her to be "free" of me. I just couldn't stand her crap and all her taunting me anymore so I just felt I did what I needed to do to make it final. I just fear if I do not answer any calls or speak with them they will see it as disassociating myself and DF me anyway.

carla

Get an attorney versed in jw's & child custody now, before you are in a panic or in dire need. Just so you are aware of all your options. Do what you can to protect your children and teach them critical thinking skills. Perhaps when they are older and not required to see you via the courts they will have learned the truth about the truth and not shun you. Wishing you the best in this difficult situation.

Incognito

Welcome.

I agree that your focus should now be the relationship with your children.

While you now state that you don't want to be DF'd and loose out with your children, you did proceed to commit adultery and more importantly, admitted to such in writing. When your wife shares your letter with the elders, prepare to be DF'd regardless of whether you meet with the elders or not.

Consider all consequences prior to acting.

Sorry to say, any further relationship with your children may now be a result of court mandated legal action.

SonOfLiberty

Then maybe I should just meet with them and explain. Since I got nothing else to lose, I could always try to appeal it I guess. She just kept saying how I was such a pussy for not letting "her go" at least to remarry and etc etc. Got tired of it and acted.

carla

"She just kept saying how I was such a pussy "--- sounds like you could use this to your advantage with the elders. Is this something a submissive jw wife would say? did she egg you on?

Get all your ducks in a row before you meet with any elders or agree to anything.

http://jwchildcustody.com/

Mum

Your situation is not an easy one. It's clear that you care about your kids a great deal and want to have a good relationship with them. It's best to not try too hard to control things. If your kids choose to be JW's, it's best to just let them be and make sure they understand that you're there for them no matter what they believe. When you are with your children, it's best to appear to be happy even if you're really feeling down. Kids don't remember everything you say, but they do remember how you made them feel.

Someone else suggested hiring an attorney who has some understanding of how JW's operate. You may need to educate your attorney about what you're up against. No matter what you tell him/her, or anyone else, put it in writing as well. It's only when things are written down that the arguments over who-said-what can be shown accurately. People are forgetful as well, and misconstrue things you say. So, write it down.

Meanwhile, go on with your life. Decide what you want to do, set goals, and take steps toward living the life you want for yourself.

Best wishes,

Mum

Crazyguy

Maybe you can be just strait up honest with your kids.

Could use some advice, divorce and children

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