Damn, why does Morpheus' line from the original "Matrix" keep reverbating in my head?
"I'm sure you're feeling a bit like Alice... tumbling down the rabbit hole?"
I feel as if my life is coming towards some sort of apocalypse.... Its been a long culmination of events, as apocalypses are...9 years in the works.... but somehow I feel good about coming to this point in my life. Kinda like when Neo first got reinserted into the Matrix aboard the Nebuchadnezzar.... a SHOCCCCK!!! then its like.... whoa.... calm and peaceful. Right now I think the shock period is going to last a little longer than I had hoped, but alas, all great tribulations forge stronger survivors.... Strange how much religion can turn your entire world upside down. Ever since my first time I was introduced to the "evil" that is "apostate literature" (and criticized and chastized and lectured,) it has felt as if I've been spiraling upward. I find that strange even myself, as one would think that losing such an important foothold in life as religion would generally lead to a downward spiral.... I guess I'm lucky or something. I cant even count how many times I've heard over the years of being a "Witness" that there's "nothing out in the world".... "it's a dead end" etc. etc. But these things come to my mind when I think of the people that said them.... where are they today? Are they really any better off than they were when they were disfellowshipped? In all the cases that I can recount... the answer is no. I mean... to the exclusion of them feeling socially accepted and having their hopes and dreams built up by the vast smoke machine that is the WT society, they really haven't gone anywhere as people. Maybe they stopped smoking crack or having wild orgies... thats progression for sure. But progression is a constant thing... and its something that a lot of the people I've seen havent done. I dont know... maybe I'm being a little harsh in my judgements. Instinct is kicking me now and saying that I am... and that I am no better, and I dont claim to be any better. I guess that analysis comes from the person in me that has been freed from the vast illusory empire that we call Jehovah's Witnesses. That person is constantly changing, being that for so long, it was held back. Bound into a static way of thinking, a static way of life... go to school, go to meetings 3 times a week, field service for 2 hours on the saturdays (repeat). Be sure to read plenty of literature to keep that way of thinking and faith in "Jehovah" up! (repeat) Nah... it wasnt working.
I heard my girlfriend say the saddest statement I'd ever heard... she told me that when she was questioning and doubting... in order to refind her faith, she had to forget everything she'd ever doubted. Go back to thinking like a child again as far as the WTS is concerned. My love for her, will never die, never dim, never diminish... however... she cast a shadow over my heart that day. Making me feel more alone than I ever had. I sit here, feeling tears welling up in my eyes... wondering... should I really leave or not? Even with all that I know, all that I've researched and found out about the WTS...should I go? I dont want to lose her, and I know that if we got married and had kids, our house would be divided. The day I was sitting with her, holding her tightly as she cried upon hearing my statement of exodus from the WT Org, I thought in my heart, how could I be so selfish and evil? Maybe this is the time in my life where I really need to compromise. The time where I really need to put my own feelings aside and consider that, if I truly want a future with this woman, I'll have to reenslave myself to the system of lies and deceit. . . . I dont know if I can do that. I really dont. I've never known anyone in my life like her, and to lose her would turn me into a cold heartless being... someone I know I would hate to be. I could never love again... I know this in my heart. But right now its like go to the Matrix and try to beleive again.... or step out... lose the one you've only ever truly loved.... and try to make your life work from there. Already I can see that end... already I can see the downward spiral of anger, hatred and frustration that my life would turn into. I can hear whoever reading this now saying "That doesnt have to happen" but I assure you that it will. Its like I continue to have this vision of my own personal apocalypse.... each and every day the Event Horizon draws closer and closer... I can feel the events culminating even now....
Yet, as the Keymaker said... "Another way, there's always another way." I've told her repeatedly about how I find truth in every religion that exists, and I do... I believe they all stem from the one Creator... and get corrupted the farther away in thought, deed, and belief they go from Him.... encrusting themselves in endless mazes of dogma. I've also told her that despite what I know... I never ever want her to say that I undermined her faith.... for I know how earth shattering it can be. However, in light of the dark, ugly truths I've learned... I think I may have to renig on that statement... but I'm so afraid of the consequences that I can't see myself taking action.... in short.... help and advice are in dire need here. Any experiences that you can share with me would be very helpful... please keep in mind that I've known this woman for no short period of time, we have been together in secret for over a year now, after fraternizing casually for about 6-8 months prior to. So breaking the bond we've already established would deal a blow of significant harm to my soul... thank you for reading this far... you must really care.... so my love extends to you for doing so.
--Nny