Nephew Out...Now What?

JohnR

Just recently I have found out that my nephew (I'll call him R) is no longer a JW. My brother and sister-in-law (his parents) are still in along with there 2 other children. The other son married an elder's daughter a year ago and my niece is a pioneer. R has a job in advertising which keeps him busy so I always wondered how or if he was keeping up with his JW work. When ever we would question his parents about R they would say he is busy and they really weren't sure how he was doing because he would not call or return messages. R is dating a woman from his office who is Catholic which is what the rest of the family is so we could not be happier. The family would like a closer relationship with R that is have him over for holidays and the like. My question is how should we go about this? Does he need time to sort things out since his parents and siblings are still in? Thanks, JohnR

Gopher

Good question, John.

It's good that he's out, but it'd be helpful to know WHY he left. Was he "disfellowshipped" (the JW code word for excommunication), or did he leave on his own? If he left on his own he's more likely to be convinced that the JW's are not "the truth" that he was told to believe as he grew up.

I remember being in a state of disorientation after being DF'd. It took a while to get hold of the right information to assure myself I had made the right decision. (Other people figure it out more on their own -- but no matter what, the guilt and crap programmed into you is hard to get out especially if you've been in it all your life.)

After I was convinced that the JW teachings were just guesswork, and that it was okay to do "worldly" things like birthdays and holidays, my sister and her family (not JW's) provided a safe environment for me to "stretch my wings" and enjoy my newfound freedom.

So if "R" is open to friendly conversation, you may be able to determine where along the continuum his mind is. Seeing that he immersed himself in his work and even went to the point of courting a non-JW indicates to me that he's quite far along. He may welcome an invitation after becoming a bit more familiar and comfortable with you.

I hope it goes well !!

darkuncle29

I agree with Gopher. If he took care of himself and got out, and is getting on with life, he may really like to have a talk with someone who understands his situation. It is very important to dismantle JW beliefs, looks like he may have done that, at least I hope he did.

I believe that a very frank and open discussion with a small group of family members would be a good thing.

Congrats to your nephew for getting out.

DanTheMan

Many JW's leave only to "go back to the trooth" later in life.

I hope your nephew has or will move beyond the inactive-but-still-clinging-to-the-beliefs stage that many inactive JW's are stuck in for life.

1bigwhitedoggy

First of all, you should treat him like a grown man who can make up his own mind about things. If you want to get together with him I suggest you contact him but I would hesitate to bring up religeon. He has had a lifetime to people telling him how to live and what to do and to feel guilty about everything. Just be cool and don't force holidays on him like it's some sort of victory as that will turn him off. Remember he has had to live with the thought that God was going to execute you at Armegeddon so it would have been difficult to have much of a relationship. It takes a while for people to find their 'center' after leaving the church. For a while he may be still under the 'influence' but the best thing you can do is to make him feel like family and he should be OK.

Frannie Banannie

John R, congratulations to your nephew....and kudos to ya for wanting to help him and let him know you're in "his corner"....it's a tremendous relief to find there's someone "out there" who understands what an xdub goes through and the issues they deal with....here's a URL to a post regarding the psych issues of exiting the borg....http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/16/57203/1.ashx This should give all of yall a better understanding of what yall're dealing with.

Frannie B

JohnR

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions you have all been very helpful.

I have made plans to have dinner with R and his girlfriend in about a week. So, some things may be answered or become more clear at that time. I do not think he was DF'd. I think it was a slow process that began when he went to college. Although he stayed at home and commuted I think that was the begining. It accelerated when he moved out of the house about 3 years ago and was not able to keep up with the JW work load or maybe he did not want to? He has been dating this woman for over 6 months now and we only heard it from him. His parents knew about her but have said nothing to us so far. I doubt they ever will.

Part of me is very happy in a gloating sort of way that he is no longer a JW but another part knows this is not some contest between us and his parents. I do know that my brother's decision around 15 years ago to join the JW's not only affected him, his wife and children it also affected myself and the rest of the family.

Thanks again for the comments and suggestions. I am glad this forum is here. It has been a great help.

JohnR

LukeN

best wishes

i still have to go to meeting most sundays. its killing me inside having to watch these people throw away there lives

Nephew Out...Now What?

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