Lost aoul

by LostSoulUK 8 Replies latest jw friends

  • LostSoulUK
    LostSoulUK
    Hi everyone, I just joined and I have been lost a long time, growing up I was a witness with my mum. I walked away when I was older, did drugs, sex, travelling all my life never stopping anywhere more than 3 months my entire life, relationship after relationship, pain and hurt after pain and hurt. I always felt like there was something missing, and tried to find what it was. Tried drugs. Drink, sex, self harm, suicide attempts. Finally I joined a Christian church and after a few years got baptised. I didn't feel any differently, if anything, I felt like a little bit of hate pain and misery put inside of me. After awhile I left and travelling more, more drugs and drink.I started thinking about 'what's out there' aliens, or God, I started thinking about other civilizations trillions and trillions of miles in space and one day we might meet them. For years I would often sit out side staring at the stars, always on the nasa website, looking for their discovery's, I'd see comets coming closer to earth passing by, I'd think about volcanoes, violence in the world, everything the Bible spoke about and slowly realised it was happening right now. But then another part of me would think about the catholics and how they played a huge part in religion over thousands of years and I often wondered if religion was created by them to control the world, I still think about that. Big bang, God, aliens, all these theories of how we came to be. I have no faith in anything and I tried hard to have faith but difficult to believe something with no physical evidence. I'm so conflicted. I prayed alot in my life and someone answered my prayers a few times and I thanked who ever it was but after awhile I'd go back to how i was before. I fought in Ukraine 🇺🇦 as a soldier (I'm British) I wanted to do something that had meaning. I went to Ukraine and after 3 weeks our base got bombed, it was terrifying. After that I came home. I made up stories to seem more like a hero, like I got shrapnel in my knee, (I didnt). I tell people i seen things over there, I'm always telling people I went and fought in Ukraine I'm proud. I abandoned a cause I believed in because I wanted to be home. I have been back about nearly 2 years and this is the first time ever I have been honest about Ukraine. I Also have now a beautiful amazing gorgeous daughter called demi-leigh, whos my world. I Haven't told a single person the truth, until now...Why you telling us? Why now? Your probably all thinking.My mum is a witness again for a few years now, always posting rapture pics or texts from the bible got annoyed after awhile. I spoke to my brother who broke down in tears over the phone saying about its time to turn back to jehovah. (He's always laughed at witnesses and spoke passionately about aliens) begging me to come back to jehovah.The weird thing is that yesterday I had a weird feeling but shrugged it off, and suddenly a few hours later I suddenly became passionate about wanting to change my life and be someone new. Me and my brother both agree that this isn't a coincidence. I'm not holy, I'm not that spiritual, I'm not that much of a nice guy, depressed, anxiety, hate for people and the world. Love to smoke hash and helps with my depression. I been looking so long for something that will fill in that piece of me that's missing, I didn't even think about religion, at least not recently. I have this feeling deep inside of me that I'm going to die soon, whether that be by the rapture, old age, heart condition or something else. I have been collecting images, videos, voice notes, and more on a memory card for my daughter, a diary that I wrote letters to her, updating her on me, her mum, her first words, her first steps etc, preparing for the day I leave this world behind, so she can see her whole life, in pics videos and through my words in her book. After speaking to my brother i feel like I need to come back, for real this time and for ever.For my brother my mum and my daughter but my daughters mum is not a beliver, and makes of fun people like that, it's not her fault she was brought up knowing a different world. I feel like I need a spiritual journey, a spiritual journey with a Indian tribe or being hypnotised or something that will allow me to look deep inside myself to discover whats missing. I really need to fill this hole. I would like to talk (and maybe meet) someone who understands all of this. I'm 35, I'm from Southampton, UK and currently live in Bristol, UK. Hope this is allowed, sorry if it isn't.
  • liam
    liam

    I think you are having some kind of crisis. Probably because you were a witness with you mom, and then walked away and jumped in the frying pan with drugs, sex, etc.

    That happens a lot to jws who were told Armageddon is coming soon and a paradise earth is just around the corner.

    I was raised a witness too, but never really accepted it. Like you I also need evidence that Armageddon by God is coming soon but there really is no evidence, just a book with ancient stories that most of the Western world would argue it’s God inspired word, yet most don’t really read it or follow it.

    I think the fact that you have a daughter is a good thing. You have someone that depends on you. So you need to make sure she understands the world she was brought in.

    That means you need to start researching subjects like history, religion, human nature, evolution, and subjects that will help you understand why the world is like it is. You also need to understand why God is not coming to save us. Also stay away from drugs, meaningless sex, self harm, and get help if you are thinking of suicide.

    Be patient and try not to despair so much. The Watchtower religion is not really a good environment to grow in. It’s a religious Doomsday cult that cultivates fear on it members. That’s why you mum and brother are trying hard to get you back into the religion. They really believe Armageddon by God is coming soon. And they believe God is going to kill Billions of people.

    As far as violence in the world and volcanoes, and earthquakes, those things have been happening long before the bible was even written. There hasn’t been a century in history where some catastrophic event hasn’t happened. And who knows what catastrophic event might happen in our time. But that’s no reason you should stop from enjoying the things life offers. Life can be amazing.

    And you are right, the universe is a huge place. With thousands of galaxies bigger than our Milky Way Galaxy and with more Solar Systems bigger than our Solar System. Who knows if different lifeforms exist out there smarter than us.

    Life is really amazing. You need to make the time to continue seeing and learning about it.

    https://www.youtube.com/shorts/VYVf34MUpAc

  • slimboyfat
    slimboyfat

    Watchtower recently relaxed their rules on shunning, and have instructed JWs to be slightly more approachable and friendly to people who have left, though the details remain sketchy. But it perhaps means that you will be able to have more contact with your mother and brother than in the past without going through the whole process of returning to the Kingdom Hall.

    Going to Ukraine is a story in itself, it doesn’t need embellished. Search for meaning is a powerful impulse, as you have demonstrated more dramatically than most. I tend to just read books. 📖 I wish you well on your journey.

  • Balaamsass2
    Balaamsass2

    Welcome to the group. It is always a good thing to question what we believe, and our place in the Universe. I highly recommend sharing your feelings with a licensed mental health professional who can help you ask the right questions and really get in touch with your feelings and life experiences.

    Try not to latch on to any belief system based on "feelings". Ask questions and do research. I highly recommend a website "JWfacts.com" well researched and to the point.

  • LauraLynn
    LauraLynn

    LostSoulUK

    First, I commend you for your honesty. It can be quite hard to be real with other people, and even ourselves for that matter. I'd like to encourage you, because I have had in some respects a similar experience in life with things that seemed "fun" at the time but ultimately hurt me. I eventually learned the hard way that those bad experiences are ultimately a good thing to teach us not to repeat our mistakes, kind of like touching a hot burner on a stove--you learn to not do that again!

    I remember a time in my life when someone asked me where I was in my spiritual journey. I told them point blank that I was lost. He told me that because I recognized it, that I was actually closer to God than most people think they are because I was searching for Him or something that could fill the gaping hole in my heart. Wanting to change your life and be someone new is really the key--kind of like the familiar adage, "The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem." So I want to encourage you to keep seeking truth.

    In reading your post, it struck me that you seem to gravitate to things that are harmful to yourself. I don't know if this is true for you, but for me it was partly because I had a lot of unresolved anger toward people and ultimately myself. I was mad at the JWs for their awful treatment when I tried to go back (a big mistake for me), mad at a family member for their emotional abuse, and mad at God for allowing all this to happen to me. Yet I think I was turning my anger inward by choosing a harmful lifestyle.

    I was surprised that you said you felt hate, pain, and misery inside when you went to a Christian church. May I ask what kind of church this was and why you felt that way? This is where our experiences diverge, as I felt just the opposite when I finally found a loving church home--I felt loved and forgiven--by God, by people, and myself.

  • Jeffro
    Jeffro

    Your JW mother sends you pictures of the “rapture”? Hmmm…

  • NotFormer
    NotFormer

    Jeffro18, nice pickup!

  • Anony Mous
  • slimboyfat

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