Life's Sad Truths

cruzanheart

Life's Sad Truths

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
"No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall".
~ Eleanor Roosevelt ~

Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister ... and now wish to withdraw that
statement.
~ Mark Twain ~

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and have the two as close together as possible.
~ George Burns ~

Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.
~ Victor Borge ~

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
~ Mark Twain ~

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce.
~ Mark Twain ~

My wife is a sex object.
Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~ Les Dawson ~

By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~ Socrates ~

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~ Groucho Marx ~

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~ Jimmy Durante ~

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
~ Jilly Cooper ~

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor ~

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~ Alex Levine ~

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~ Mark Twain ~

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
~ Ed Furgol ~

Money can't buy you happiness,
but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~ Spike Milligan ~

What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~ Henny Youngman ~

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.
~ Mark Twain ~

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~ Joe Namath ~

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~ Herbert Henry Asquith ~

I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~ Bob Hope ~

A woman drove me to drink ..
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~ W.C. Fields ~

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish
do in it.
~ W.C. Fields ~

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember
if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~ George Burns ~

We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
~ Unknown ~

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~ Unknown ~

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But ... everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~ Unknown ~

Doctor to patient:
I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~ Unknown ~

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good .. spit it out.
~ Unknown ~

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
~ Unknown ~

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
~ Unknown ~