May you all have peace!
I, Expatbrit, came to be in the place that is called Hooters, for the sustaining of the body through the provisions of God. And by the grace of God, I beheld visions. After these visions had conveyed sustenance to our table, I was caught away to the throne of heaven.
And I beheld one like the son of man, who proceeded to say to me: "You post upon JW.com do you not?". Upon hearing this, I fell to my knees and replied "thou art the one that knows, Lord." And he respondeth to me "why the hell are you talking like Shakespeare?"
After these things, I beheld, and look! a great throne. And the one seated on the throne said "these are the things you are to say to the little ones on JW.com." And I proceeded to say "but Lord, verily there are many upon JW.com who claim to speak for thee. And in recent times these have been fruitful and multiplied." And he did reply "those that speak for me, dost they speak in agreement?". And I said "nay Lord. Their speech is full of much disagreement and contumaciousness."
Upon hearing this, the one seated upon the throne said: "Michael! Findest me my Oxford dictionary, and ascertain the definition of contumaciousness". And the one like the son of man said "right on pops."
And the one on the throne sayest to me "speakest to me more on those who would represent me to the sheep on JW.com."
And I said "Lord, surely thou art all knowing and thine eyes pierce to the very kidneys of the internet?" After hearing this, the one seated upon the throne proceeded to give a sigh as the sound of ten myriads of trumpets and say: "let's just pretend I don't know, OK?"
Upon hearing this I said: "your will be done, Lord. Amen. Forsooth, you have blessed us much with Pomegranates and Aguests and Larsguys and Kes152s and Joshua1992s and /You Knows and Yadirfs and God_Knows and Mishnahs. And their offerings and praises must ascend to thee as an annointed perfume to heaven."
The answer of the one seated on the throne was "never 'eard of 'em." Well! Upon this I flungeth my face to the ground and did protest in much bitterness and gall "Lord! To whom shall we listen now that you have turned thy face away from thy spokespersons? Where shall we go? Is't the utterances of Brooklyn that we should heed to be saved from thy day of wrath and indigestion?"
The one seated upon the throne did speak, and say "Jesus, didn't I tell thee, er you, to go down there and sort them out? How hard can this be?"
The one like a son of man did say "truly father. And yet we ran into a bit of a snag in finding a virgin in Britain. Zero was the number of virgins, and the number of virgins was zero. I was therefore forced to manifest myself in America and post under an assumed name. As on my previous visit however, I suffered much ridicule, and did return to heaven rather pissed off."
And I asked of the one like a son of man "Lord, when did'st thou speak, and we ignore thee? When did'st thou teach, and we ridicule thee?" He did say to me "Get away from me, thou worker of lawlessness! For did'st thou not vilify the proverbial sayings of Fredhall? Cast thy silver into the streets, and gnash thy teeth and wail, O you really stupid git!"
The one on the throne did stand, and say, "Come to me all you lovers of righteousness and truth and Krispy Kreme donuts. As locusts we shall descend and smite the false prophets and ridiculers of Fredhall. Jesus, get that sword out of your mouth! You look like a plonker, verily!"
After this I fell to my knees and did homage and pleaded with the one who was standing on the throne "Lord, have mercy upon your slaves, for we are skinned and thrown about as sheep without a shepherd." And he sayeth "what the hell do I care? Get ready to rumble!"
And the heavens did spin as of the whirlings of great chariots of fire. Upon which I found myself nestled in the fleshy crevasses of a vision in Hooters, which angel of mercy had caught me in my descent from the table after choking upon a fishbone.
May the undeserved kindness of Fredhall be with all the sheep upon JW.com.
Amen. Stay away, Lord Jesus.