In another post, someone made a reference to E-Watchman's sudden call to duty. I went to the link provided and when reading the sample letter decided to check out the 11-22-98 issue of the Awake mentioned as being "UN propaganda". Now... the first time I read this, I was shocked that I had read it before without blinking an eye as a JW. Reading it a second time, I realized nothing in it actually promoted the UN... just provided information on it and then went on to say that it could never achieve what God's Kingdom would. Now I'm questioning if the rigidness I learned came from my fellow JWs or from the Society's literature itself (i.e. if I got the "UN is evil" idea from others or if the Society's literature elsewhere conveyed that idea to me) and... goodness, I can't even figure out how to word everything I'm confused about right now. Just if the Society is being a slippery snake to appear one way when actually making you think another way or if everyone's just misunderstanding it all or something and one part of me is wanting to hit the WBTS for being so conniving and fake and another part of me is wondering if maybe they're as innocent as they seem just people misunderstand what they're saying or something. I guess I really HAVEN'T figured out for myself whether what they say is the truth or not yet because what they say is always so... passive, or something, and when you read others criticizing parts of the literature it's usually archaic pieces of literature like from the 1970's and earlier or it's so nicely worded that whatever the person is saying about it almost seems false compared to the text because the text itself doesn't technically say anything that the person is denouncing, if that makes any sense at all.
More than anything I just have major issues with believing anything any more. It's like I'm constantly disbelieving everything, I think half the time I don't believe I even really exist, and then when I don't believe in anything it creates such a empty place in me full of confusion that I grab on to something that I WANT to believe *like untrustworthy people* just to keep myself from going completely under... but just grabbing on to something and honestly believing in it becomes harder and harder as each thing I grab on to shows up to be false. I ask for concrete proof of things, but such concrete proof often doesn't exist... I can't figure out whether I've just gotten to the point where I can't see honestly concrete proof as concrete or whether it really isn't concrete. The best way I can think of to describe it is that I'm completely and utterly lost, even in areas where most people aren't lost, right down to my perceptions of what's right and wrong and the world, all of that has fallen down and I'm left with nothing but trying to grasp on to what OTHER people's perceptions are and then I doubt those because they could be wrong and am once again back to nothing. I'm told to just be myself... and I know who myself is, don't get me wrong... but somehow I'm afraid that being myself is wrong somehow, that allowing my emotions to flow and my thoughts to flow is wrong somehow, I'm scared to death that I may not be feeling the right thing or thinking the right thing or doing the right thing and when I grasp on to a perception or list of ideals I'm worried that THEY'RE not the right thing either. And it's like since I can't figure out what the right way to think, feel, be, and the right perceptions are, I can't figure out whether or not anything else is right either. Because of all this it's like... I have a belief system, one that I WANT to believe is true, but I CAN'T believe is true because I'm so confused about everything. I WANT to be myself but I CAN'T be myself because I'm so afraid that it's not right to be myself... that my true self is somehow impure, evil, and needs to be restrained and molded to fit the truth, but I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE TRUTH IS. If I try to relax and just be myself I end up feeling like a hypocrite because I'm being myself while I still don't know if it's right to and I'm still confused as to whether I should.
It's like... when I was a little kid and used to have these horrible nightmares... I was told that it was the demons playing with me and if I prayed to Jehovah he would make them stop... I prayed and prayed my heart out, and they didn't stop... so I assumed that it meant that I was bad and that was why he didn't answer my prayers. Ever since then I've had the fear, practically belief, that the real me is actually evil somehow and that maybe if I controlled myself to be the right way I would have some small chance of being redeemed... as I got older I still felt the real me tugging away, and I left the Witnesses because I wasn't entirely sure it was the right way because it wasn't working at making the real me go away and I was being a hypocrite by staying if it was the right way because I couldn't be the way I was supposed to be inside. And ever since then, even though I see with my own two eyes how hypocritical the Society is itself and would never think of going back to the JWs, I still am lost as to what the definition of "truth" is even and if being myself is evil and if it is what way I'm supposed to be. It's like I've still got it in my head that Satan is stalking about like a roaring lion and making the darkness seem like light so it's practically impossible to believe anything is the truth or that any way is the right way. And then again... it absolutely devestates me to think that God could be a person that would destroy people for walking the wrong path when they can't possibly tell what the right path is or if they're walking it... but even if he is... I'm scared to death of being rejected by him, just like a kid is frightened of being rejected by a parent he's done nothing but try to please out of love. And the idea of there not being a God frightens me beyond words... it's like... I look to him so much, practically like an actual father, because when I was younger I didn't have a father and when my mother left me when I had tried so hard to make her happy and be the perfect daughter God was all I had left to try to please and be loved by. Because I would so desperately love to believe that he would accept me as I was and love me like I loved him, despite my mistakes realized and unrealized. That he could accept me just because I loved him and I tried my best to do what's right... and I'm trying so hard to do what's right... but I can't do what's right when I don't know what's right and I don't know if just trying is enough for him.
Can anyone relate? I think advice from someone who can relate would help more than from someone who's never felt this way... I know this post is long and I just kind of spilled my guts out and I'm sorry for it all being so depressing.
Stumbling...
by astridkittie 7 Replies latest watchtower medical
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astridkittie
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darkuncle29
Just like an auto accident victim needs physical therapy, you need a recovery tharapist. You need to first rebuild your faith in your self, your own mind. Start at the very begining, and work through things slowly at your own pace. You have to do this for YOU and not god or your friends or your family. If you can't do it for yourself, doing it for friends and family is better than not doing it at all.
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galaxy7
I realized nothing in it actually promoted the UN... just provided information on it and then went on to say that it could never achieve what God's Kingdom would. Now I'm questioning if the rigidness I learned came from my fellow JWs or from the Society's literature itself (i.e. if I got the "UN is evil" idea from others or if the Society's literature elsewhere conveyed that idea to me)
here is what Rutherford had to say about the league of nations;From the book Enemies
"The league of Nations is the child of the devil
The combination of the League of nations is made up of religion,polotics and commerce religion being the binding tie and riding on the back of the beast and claiming the right to rule, the old whore gains her dominating position in this combine when she returns with her hire
From the book Preperation by Rutherford
which is called the league of nations and which was wrongfully and blasphemiously hailed as the political expression of gods kingdom
the real author of the league of nations is the devil
Some books are worse than others condeming the UN which the JWS are famous for
From the book Let your Kingdom Come
Presidnt Knorr went on to show that the wild beast that was but is not is about to ascend out of the abyss
true to bible prophecy the beast was revived in 1945 as the united nations
The united nations is against Jehovah
read all about it "you may survive armageddon in gods new world
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JamesThomas
Hey Kittie dear, You said in another thread that you have looked for a therapist but have not found one with experience in this kind of thing. I suggest you keep looking. Keep looking. Also look into antidepressants which was mentioned before. This is not the final answer but they can help you shed some of the major confusion and fear. Then I would suggest meditation. Allowing consciousness freedom to breath outside the confines and pollution of the mind. Silent walks in nature can help facilitate this. Underneath all the confusion and movement is stillness. Find this, because this is what you truly are. You are not the storm, but the space in which it moves. Peace be with you Kittie. j
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Winston Smith :>D
Girl, I read your entire post.
You poor thing, I remember that period only less than a year ago.
Darkuncle is right, you gotta get back to square one.
And that means that you have to know only one truth, which is this:
You are not evil.
Yes, it?s true.
And deep down, you know it too.
You are an inherently good person.
An evil person does not beat herself up as you do over such matters.
The very fact that these issues are racing through your mind in a scattered fashion ?like butterflies? is a testament to the fact that you are indeed a good person.
Once you are FULLY CONVINCED in this FACT, you then will be able to rebuild what the WTS has stolen from you.
You see, once you know that you are good, and not evil, you will learn to listen to your OWN developed conscience and trust it to guide you throughout life.
You will also start to surround yourself with people who go through life based on the same guidance, and therefore, will be an asset to you and you to them as well.
These people will be walls for you to bounce ideas off of, to protect you during the storms, for you to lean against when you are tired, and to open doors of opportunity to you in the future. And you will do the same for them.
For me, I really started to heal once I started to converse with others here on the board by spilling my guts out as you just did.
And another help was to be able to actually talk to them on the phone. I finally realized that I wasn?t alone, and that there were others out there just like me.
You may want to PM someone here and see if they want to talk. I haven?t talked to as many as I would like to, but one person I have talked to, that I am presumptuously presuming would help you as well, would be cruzanheart. I talked to her husband Big Tex and he was very kind to me as well.
I hope to get to an apostafest in the future to put faces to the names in the future.
BTW, a qualified therapist who is experienced in dealing with X-JW?s I would think to be helpful as well.
FWIW RE: God.
I am in the process of rethinking all of my beliefs.
And one thing I like to hold on to is that if we are all children of God as his creation, then God will understand me if I need to question and rethink everything, even the Bible. If he is anywhere near as loving as a good earthly parent would be, then this would be acceptable to Him, even encouraged by Him.
A good parent is proudest when a child makes a good decision when they are away from the parent, not just because the parent is in front of them telling them what to do.
And right now, I am away from God in the sense that, I too am lost and searching. I?m trying to do the right thing, and if God is as loving as a good parent is, then I hope that he is proud of what I am doing with what I have been given in life. A divorced family, partially raised in a cult, and right now I feel that I am doing pretty well.
I know I am not an evil person, that I am good. And I am doing the best I can.
FWIW, it sounds like you are doing the same thing. I think that a loving God would understand that and would not hold it against you, but rather, he would be proud that you are trying so hard to do right even if you aren?t making perfect decisions.
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Even Jesus didn?t get baptized until he was 30, so don?t feel that you need to have all of life?s answers now.
The world isn?t B&W, and it?s the grey areas that give humans that best chance to shine out from the crowd.
Sincerely,
Paul [Winston.]
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Mr. Kim
Kittie,
Hang in there. Take one day at a time and try not to stress so much on all the things you mentioned. There is a GOD and in your private prayers, ask him for peace and understanding. You DON't have to prove anything to the WTB&TS. Plug along each day and think about how you can please GOD and don't worry about the WTB&TS so much. Take the bothersome parts and teachings of these trials and tribulations with a grain of salt.
Paul winston Smith,
Good post!
Mr KIM
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pseudoxristos
kittie,
You expressed many of the feelings that I went through. It seemed as if I were stuck in a vicious cycle of trying to figure out what was real. Eventually I was able to get through it.
If you feel that you cannot cope, please find a therapist.
Look into the term Cognitive Dissonance; it may help explain what you are going through.
Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive dissonance is a psychological phenomenon which refers to the discomfort felt at a discrepancy between what you already know or believe, and new information or interpretation. It therefore occurs when there is a need to accommodate new ideas, and it may be necessary for it to develop so that we become "open" to them.
pseudo
The search for truth is more precious than its possession
--Albert Einstein (03/14/1879-1955)
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La Capra
Astrid Kittie
There are therapists that have experience in working with clients who come from high mind-control backgrounds. I can completely relate to the whole "evil" thing, and the nightmares. For me the word was "horrid" less damning than evil, I'll admit, but pretty tough to bear a life of. This type of self-image is one that just doesn't go away without the help of a professional-particularly when recovery is juxtaposed against a background of subtle, well-developed, constant mind-control that shaped us into knowing that we are really evil (and don't measure up). The WTBTS is a text-book example of how to inculcate blind allegience to a cult. They are expert at it. It may take an expert to heal some people from that.
It takes awhile to "train" a therapist in what it is like being JW. Most people need to be trained in the subtleties of the control, and are shocked by the reality of all the unwritten rules we had to follow. Not many are lucky enough to find an exJW therapist in their neighborhood (like I was)-but that does not mean that a therapist can't become educated. There are links to support groups and therapists at www.freeminds.org that could lead you to referrals in your area.
I tried antidepressants (they worked while I took them), but nothing took the place of really coming to an honest belief (with actual evidence) that I was not horrid, and finding tools for countering the times when the struggle returns. Antidepressants are appropriate to survive rough patches, but if it is the fallout from being a JW that is the ultimate root of a significant portion of the depression, then you will eventually have to confront that with some psychotherapy. It really can work. But it won't be overnight.
Take care, Shoshana