Dear Lisa
My heart went out to you upon reading what you put down on 'paper'. And I was able to read between the lines and saw your sadness behind your words. It's not babble at all. You have every right, now and again, to comprehend such a complex subject. What I've learn't is this.
That often, our minds can play these funny games on us and aye, at the time, it doesn't always feel that good. Nothing morbid about it at all though. Sometimes you see the mind is ahead of the game, or put another way, the subconscious mind seems to me, to be ahead of our conscious mind that only wants to perceive often, a desired positive outcome whereas the other part, sometimes unbeknown even to ourselves, is delving deeper to prepare the conscious mind for what is to come.
Death isn't exactly the most jolly part of our lives, and often, we do anything to put our mind at rest so to speak, and go for avoidance in what we comprehend naturally enough as something that is bad and un-natural. But sure as hell, death follows birth. It's all part of the natural cycle anyway. All part of the breath of life this waning, making way for fresh blood, to carry on forwards, this thing called life, and the survival of the species.
I'm not doing a very good job of this am I?
Hmmmmmm, tis deep subject aye.
I don't have anyone either, not like that. I get forms that ask me for my next of kin. I havn't got any either, not like that, that I think would respect my last wishes. My son, who I miss terribly lives up country with his mother, he's 10. I am not allowed any meaningful input in his life whatsoever, and aye, it hurts, hurts like mad. But what the hell, will all be ok tomorrow. Yeah right. Hmmmmmm.
If ever you need to write, or just off load, or just vent, or know that someone will lend a listening ear, give you a shoulder to cry upon, or just need to share anything at all, drop me a line into my inbox, and I really will do my best to help you, in whatever way I can. I'm hopeless at helping others it seems, but I promise that I will do my best to offer you some support.
Now, even I'm avoiding the subject, cos, lately I've been mirroring the same feelings,and it hurts, I don't know who to talk about it with either, how to express myself fully and with real meaning to be able to proffer all the right words. This subject is deep, and causes me some sadness, meloncholy and grief also. You're never alone thinking like this, ok?
Bestest mate hugs.
Mark