Some more funnies......

bikerchic

If a lawyer wears a suit to work, what does an electrician wear?
Shorts
How can you get through barber school in one week?
By learning all the shortcuts
Why does a baby duck walk softly?
Because he can't walk, hardly
What did the pig say on a hot day?
I'm bacon
What musical instrument doesn't tell the truth?
A lyre

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I got this in e-mail:

I've sent this one before. It is fun to use in a group and see who
responds so you can use the punch line.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was
going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time. When she
returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male
angel; to get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him
to Earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told
him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. He decided to E-Mail the 5% that were good and
encourage them, a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-Mail said?

[Scroll down]

You mean you didn't get one?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shopping
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,

a carton of eggs,

a quart of orange juice,

a head of romaine lettuce,

a 2 lb. can of coffee,

and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

he,hee

Kate

gespro

Biker-

The last one was especially funny LMAO

g

shotgun

LOL at the last one Kate

gumby

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple. If you got this wrong please - do not pass it on, just go dig a hole and hide.

Gumbastard

got my forty homey?

You momma's st stupid she thinks masturbation is a karate-expert.

simplesally

Knock knock

Who's there?

Kip

Kip who?

Keep your hands off me or else!

Knock knock

Who's there

Bugspray.

Bugspray who?

Bugs pray that snakes won't eat them.

Love_Truth

Test for Dementia

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain, so.....
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."

OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.

If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate, such as Children's World.

If you said "water," proceed to question 3

3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing reading these questions?????

If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure..... Unfortunately the third engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.

Where would you bury the survivors?
. . . in East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated

If you said, "Don't bury the survivors," proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

Answer: One degree. If you said, "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the room.

Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator --You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.

What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!

bebu

ROFL at that test...

It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate, such as Children's World.

I was relieved to pass ALL the questions. (Whew!)

bebu

clarity

bump

Vanderhoven7

Same here. I didn't say "bread" so I never got to question 2.

Some more funnies......

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