After I left the WT, I spent years isolated, dealing with the effects of my ethical dilemma on my own. I pondered the nature of God and my place in His scheme of things, assuming, childishly, that such a scheme existed. I prayed. I lived my action-packed life. I prayed some more. I read and listened and studied. I prayed.
Eventually my brain returned me to plain common-sense default settings, and to operate on the working assumption that there is no Sky Daddy, no omnipotent Interventionist standing by to offer support or assistance or even assurance. I quit praying, tired of talking to myself and wasting that time. I never turned off the questioning part of the brain, though, or censored where it could ask stuff.
One habit I developed during those years was to cruise the tv, early insomniac hours, checking out various ministries. Teaching ministries, healing ministries, assistance ministries. Checked out the big televangelist guns and the little wee-hours gospel ministers. Talked to the 700 Club on the phone (my dime; the call is only free if yer donating $$ ). Took a look at all variety of 'em: Creflo Dollar, Benny Hinn, Zola Levitt, TBN, CBN, Save the Children, Feed the Children...
Most of the tv preachers were flat-out crooks and con artists. A couple stand out as head and shoulders above the rest, though, and these I still occasionally invite into my headspace. The best of the teaching bunch IMO is a woman named Joyce Meyer.
Joyce specializes in teaching ministers to minister. Her seminars are directed to pastors and church leaders. Her style is dynamic, aggressive, and blunt. I find her fascinating. What amazes me is the fine line she walks so gracefully. One minute teaching a hardnosed gospel of personal salvation, the next shilling to sell her tapes and books. She separates the two portions of the program very well; she never solicits funds or 'sells' anything onstage. She tapes special segmants to add to the end of the show. No tacky phone lines, million-dollar drives, nothing so vulgar. Plain commonsense exhortation, followed by a discreet pitch. Beautifully done, and obviously profitable.
It's odd to watch her and listen to the message from my skeptical viewpoint. Up to a certain point what she says is just plain good sense. I find myself nodding and agreeing. Then out of the blue she lapses into that disturbing 'god told me in my ear' stuff and referring to Holy Ghost as if it were as real as her diamond earrings. Moving from hardnosed realist to fantasist in the same breath, led by the Bible.
So, trying to resolve that seeming schizoid dichotomy, I made a grand experiment. It has proved to be a source of fascination and amusement. who knows, maybe someday it will lead me to Enlightenment.
As Joyce was exhorting at the top of her leather lungs one morning about God and how He moves in your life, I got out a Bible and followed along, making one small change: wherever the word 'God' appears, I substituted the word 'love'.
!!! This explains the 'god in my ear' stuff; love is after all a very potent chemical stew that affects the brain and changes it s chemistry. Altered consciousness is de rigeur for those feeling genuine love in any of its forms. Love exalts, love lifts up, etc. And the Bible does say that God IS love...
I urge those of you still struggling with the ethics and inconsistencies of modern Christianity to try this for yourselves. It makes for a very interesting inversion of the usual viewpoint. It both simplifies and complicates. Make the substitution in any sermon, and see if the message is still viable.
Thanks to Joyce for giving me the idea by ranting angrily about how God is Love and Don't You Forget It...
As always,
Mommie Dark
'if GOd is love, I gotta houseful of God'
and does this mean I'm NOT an atheist? Hmmm...