by lookingnow22 9 Replies latest jw friends
I have grieved over many deaths in my short life, but now I am grieving over what I once believed. I'm past the anger now, so here comes the denial, and then the guilt. Does anybody have one of those "Men in Black" memory eraser pen flashing dealies? This is getting way too complicated.
Looking
Just don't let the grieve become the center of your life. The best way to do this is to pursue new interests and new studies.
The grief will be there and will surface from time to time. People certainly see it surface in my posts here once in a while. But, grief is okay, use it to help you meditate on things.
I wish you peace
hugs
Joel
Looking,
I agree with Joel. There are so many positive things to do. "Real" charity work, recreation, study(religious or otherwise), careers etc. Believe me others have been there also. I went through 2 years of anxiety until I got the nerve to get on the net. After I was set free from mental bondage with the WTS, a whole new world opened up for me. it can be for you too.
Peace to you
TR
"Kults Suk"
I, too, felt SO badly about 3 weeks ago. Depressed, actually, over the loss.
I am coming out of the funk now -- my apostatizing helped tremendously! -- but I still described myself mid-campaign to a friend as "bereft."
Know that this, too, shall pass, shall recur, and pass again. I have faith that the pain will lessen.
While many of us lost years of our lives to a lie and have lost family as well due to EVIL shunning, the posters on this board have shown it is possible to pick up the pieces, get on with our lives, and have a fulfilling existance on earth.
When the sadness overpowers you, come and share here.
We will listen.
outnfree
I agree with the other posters, but will add this: Don't suppress your feelings. When the grief comes, feel it, and deal with it, but don't swallow it and act like it isn't there. Just like when you lose a loved one, the grief comes and goes. So does the anger. You just move through all the stages. I am looking forward to the day when I don't think about it all the time. After six years, I wonder if that day will ever come. Maybe not.
Actually, 'Looking... there IS a 'Light!
John 1:9
John 3:14
John 8:12
John 10:1-27
Revelation 3:17, 18
All you need DO... is LOOK at him... and do NOT take your gaze away. It's not easy... but it is well worth it.
John 3:16-21
I bid you the greatest of peace... and hope you find 'comfort'... for it is not 'far-off' from any one of us. All you need do... is ASK... and 'receive'.
Your servant and a slave of Christ,
SJ
I have good news for you.
You are indeed suffering a loss. By understanding that you are grieving just like when death comes to a family member, you've gone light years ahead of many of us who held in the grief, self-medicated with alcohol, attempted suicide (some succeeded), wallowing in self-pity. Many have wandered in agony.
Take your time grieving, but do pay attention to the good thoughts expressed here. Enjoy the sunshine and the outdoors; connect with nature and the universe. Have quiet times; meditate with a candle or nothing, in a forest or at home. Listen to great music, from classic to rock. Pay renewed attention to your body and its needs. And read, read, read, read. Anything and everything. Learning who you really are will be the best journey of your life.
For many, the pendulum swings violently toward agnoticism. Challenge what the Society has told you about what other religious teach about the Bible and throw aside the presuppositions. You do not have to choose between a narrow fundamentalism or atheism.
Start connecting with people again--the stranger at the coffee shop, whoever. Most of us have been so isolated we just don't know how to behave; we feel so awkward. But all that changes, it gets better. You'll get better. And life will be richer than you could have ever imagined.
All the best,
Maximus
Looking,
I know exactly where you are coming from. I was there to. Some days I still get little twinges, but nothing compared to before. I was in some 40+ years. Raised in it since I was 10 years old. My whole life revolved around it. I had all the answers. But the doubts were always there and I knew something was wrong. I, of course, was told it was my fault for doubting and I needed to do more praying, service, etc. When I first found out that my whole life was based on lies, it hit me hard. I had just lost my Mother to cancer and had moved to a new neighboring town to escape the congregation I was in thinking a new start would be good. But I didn't go but a few times. I started on the internet and went to the old H2O and argued in defense of the WTBTS dispite the doubts in my heart. After all, it was all I knew. And leaving meant a loss of family and friends, and I was not about to disassociate myself like a friend of mine did a few years before. The more I learned, the more I knew that these things I was taught all my life were really false and I was in a lot of emotional pain. It was very difficult at times. I went all over the net looking for what might be the truth. I learned more about religion and my own faith than I had ever known before. The more I learned the more I realized that there is not truth out there. All religions carry similar teachings, including pagan ones. Right now, I guess, I would be considered agnostic.
As far as the pain, it diminished with knowledge. The more I learned, the less pain I had. I was now truly in control and I was not accountable to any of the elders or other witnesses. At first I did beleive in the God most "christians" do. But now I am not sure who or what God is. I have my own ideas on what God is from all my research. More research might reveal more to me in time.
I suggest that you do as one person told you. Recognize your pain, feel it, know that for the first time ever you are having truthful feelings that are not told to you, and dictated to you. Follow your gut instict for probably the first time. Research and research some more. Think about all that you learn. Some will be crap, there is lots of it out there. But some things will start to "click". Pay attention to those things.
Take breaks from what you learn if it gets to burdensome. I would take a week or two away from H2O at times because things got to mentally burdensome for me.
Get into some interest you wouldn't have taken the time to do before. Art class, reading some stuff you never would before. (I watched old movies, still do at times when I get down.) Take a trip to a museum, go out with a "worldy" person you like but wouldn't spend time with unless you thought you could convert them. There is so much out there in this world to do. (I went back to college and found that I was not to old to do that and I was smart. I was on the dean's list this part semester. Something I never thought as a JW that I could ever do because as a JW you are taught that no matter what you are never good enough.) Doing other things increases your self-esteem and your sense of self. Two things that being a JW never ever do!
If you are having feelings that you need to go back just read what you have already learned. It will help. So many times I felt the old indoctrinations kicking in and the guilt would travel back into my heart. But I would get on line and read and remember why I "drifted" away. I am not dissassociated or disfellowshipped. I still have limited contact with the JWs here and there. They all consider me weak but when I see them they treat me fine. I can't ask for more. I don't try to make them hear what I have learned unless they ask and even then I try not to say to much, and so far it is working out.
It might seem complicate to you, finding out the truth about things because everything was so laid out for you as a witness, but I promise you that if you continue on you will live a much more self-fulfilled life, and you will have a much better feeling inside about everything. Remember before that everything was fed to you and now you need to look for the food. Before all your thoughts were given to you by what the Society told you was what you should think. They evern told you how you should live and what you should be doing when. Now it is all new out there to you. Take it slow and the peace will come. The peace inside increases and it will be so much better than anything you were told you should feel as a JW. They talk about joy, something that I never had in all those years. Many say they have it because they don't want to be the one to say they don't. But your joy will increase as you get farther way from the JW teachings and the effects they have had on you.
I know that this is long but I feel that if you are hurting these things might help.
My e-mail is on here, if you want to talk. It might be a difficult time but maybe I can help. We all go through so much leaving, some more than others.
Ask questions on here and let us all help. We all do care.
As Always,
Auntie Lindy
lookingnow,
As in any kind of traumatic life change the mental pain is as real as
the physical. Loosing ones belief system can be as painful as loosing a
body limb. It takes a while to adjust.
The JW's just as many religions infuse the thought that you should be
less of a person than you are capable of being. They tear down much of
your independence and teach you that it is only through their teachings
backed by carefully orchestrated quotes from specific religious books
that hold the only direction for your life. As long as they can keep you
from using your own intelligence and reasoning abilities they will keep
you thinking as one of them as opposed to you learning who you really are.
It is not your own thoughts of what is right or wrong that have you
feeling this pain but the realization of what they have told you is
wrong. You are still the same person you have always been, you have now
just given yourself permission to think for yourself. Don't confuse the
thought that since you believed what they taught you for so long that
you yourself are wrong. Try to separate who you are from what you have
believed. Developing your own strength and building up a belief in
yourself will accelerate your search for true happiness.
To begin to find happiness you first have to define in your mind what
you believe happiness to be. For most of your life your thought of
happiness has not been your own but the projection of a perceived
happiness created by a religious organization. If you can try and clear
out anything attached to religious thought and use your own version of
what happiness is you will be taking the first step into being truly
honest with yourself and giving you a greater life gage on what you feel
is right or wrong. There are as many variations of bible quotes as there
are variations of their meanings. As long as you use that kind of
jumbled thinking to base your search for happiness with you may never
find solid ground to establish a starting point for your self.
You might think about putting all religious thought aside for now and
concentrate on finding out who you really are based on complete and
total honesty with yourself. Keep asking yourself how "YOU" really feel
about things. Do "YOU" really feel something is right or wrong. Once you
have built up a confidence in your own ability to make a decision on
matters effecting your life you will have a stronger stance in what ever
you decide to believe or not believe in life. Find happiness in yourself
by getting to truly know yourself in relation to the world and how you
truly feel about things. Once you have done this you may find your
interpretation of happiness is far from what you have been taught it was.
Once you begin developing self awareness in your life you can then go
back and search for a religion that adds to your happiness as opposed to
dictates it. Many have found that once they begin developing themselves
as a person religion no longer is an essential part of their happiness.
I'm not telling you to do this because the answers for each person are
different. I just know it took me many years to figure out who I was and
what really made me happy. Hundreds of different interpretations of
bible scriptures was not something that helped me find what I was
looking for. When I did go back to examine my spiritual side I learned
to ask myself in the many cases of scripture quoting, is it logical, is
it reasonable? I would ask myself, if I were god would I do that? If I
were god would I need that? If I were god would I kill that? The answers
came back time after time a resounding NO! This is just a little exercise
for you to think about.
Weather you keep your search for happiness in the guidelines of a christian
religion or open them up to a broader way of using an open mind and more self
awareness is up to you. The goal is to be happy. If you find it in god,
then that is right. If you find it in yourself, than that's right too. If
you can find it in both, and that is what you want then go for it.
There is no clock ticking for you to force yourself into making
premature decisions in life. Take the time you need and just
concentrate on yourself. The rest will fall in place.
Just chill out a little and find something to laugh about.
Laughter helps a lot. I guarantee you if you can find happiness in yourself
the pain will go away and life will look a lot better for you.
Hang in there
Dave
Hugs and kisses to you, LOOKING
Looking in from the outside, I guess I am not sure how hard it is for XJWs to come to terms with what they faced inside that dreadful cult.
But if the Lord and King Jesus can forgive you, why can you not forgive yourself? It is time to let go and move on.
I love you, dearest one.
