A LETTER TO YOUR PET

by Lady Lee 5 Replies latest social humour

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  Lady Lee

  Dear Dogs and Cats,

  When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

  The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

  The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

  I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

  My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

  For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw > under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

  The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

  To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door.....

  Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

  1. They live here. You don't.

  2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

  3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

  4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

  5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, and are easier to train. They usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
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  bebu

  Hehehehe! Very funny!

  We grouse a lot about our animals' tendency to turn our furniture into furry upholstry. I guess we must like complaining a lot, because we still keep our animals despite everything...

  + fish + lizards

  bebu
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  bikerchic

  Lady Lee as long as we are talking animals.....I thought I would take this opportunity to share a story a dear friend of mine wrote about her dog. He was the mascot of our little support group and every week he presented himself as a friend and comforter to anyone who needed him. You see we met weekly for our support group at Koristton's house and Bo was always so happy to see us come and so sad when we left. Anyway I think it's a cute story and maybe something you could relate to so here it is:

  MY DOG IS AN "A.C.O.A."

  It didn't happen by accident either. It took years and years of exposure to dysfunctional humans for him to learn the many foibles of "our kind."

  First, he got to know the feelings of ABANDONMENT common to "A.C.O.A.'s" because he got left behind while we went on a six week trip right after he came to live with us. My brother came over at night to give him food and water, but the neighbors said he cried and howled at the moon every night while we were gone, and there was no one, to one to nurture him or ease the pain of his loneliness.

  Then, he watched a "rage-oholic" in action and learned how to GO INVISIBLE. He to this very day, uses this handy technique when people are fighting or arguing. At first he shows interest and tries to draw attention to himself (playing the "SCAPEGOAT") to get everyones attention off of their problems. If that doesn't work, he shows his discomfort by walking away, and then, as a last resort he disappears. He's pretty big and it's hard to find a place where he can't be seen, so he can lay in the same room with us and go completely motionless, almost stop breathing so as to not draw any attention to himself. No doubt hoping none of the anger will be directed at him.

  He also learned to ADAPT TO EVERYONE'S EXPECTATIONS of how he should act in order to not invoke their angry feelings. He's more obedient than any other dog I know and he'll follow my every verbal command. He even predict what I need before I even know I need it. He nurtures me when I am sick and presents himself as a crying towel when I am sad.

  When we left him the second time, it was for four years and that's when he began his first COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR, over eating. He got so huge that he looked like a pyramid when he sat down. When he stood up he looked like a barrel with little tiny peg legs. He would steal to support his habit. Every morning there were strange bowls in the yard. He roamed the streets at night in search of uneaten portions to fill up his hungry heart. One time he had six bowls hidden in the bushes, several of which still had food filled to the rim, stolen from his very own friends and kept secret and hidden for times when he needed an extra fix.

  This contributed to a skin condition which our well meaning neighbors treated with drugs so that he now had another ADDICTION, one that gave him a dopey face and lethargic body.

  When we got back, it was too late to catch up for all the emotional damage he'd been caused. All the affection, attention, acceptance and approval in the world could not replace what he'd lost in those formative years.

  He's not allowed to overeat these days, and he is completely drug-free, but still very co-dependent. He follows me from room to room when I am home where he has also learned to sleep with one eye open in preparation for daily abandonment experiences. In A.C.O.A we call this "HYPERVIGILENCE" and German Shepard's are known for this trait.

  Used to be when he was completely exhausted he would lay in front of the back door so I couldn't leave without waking him. I started using the front door, so now he has to sleep pinned up against my desk chair so he can feel it move or in the doorway of the room I'm in so I can't leave without stepping over him.

  He has recently come into the advanced stages of MOOD ALTERING behavior; he lives to go for a walk, or ride in a car. He'll do it with anyone, anytime, anyplace, even if he doesn't know the people, the vehicle or where they are going, taking terrible chances just for the emotional high. Like the alcoholic who needs a drink to feel alive, that's the only time he really feels his feelings and knows he is alive. Also like the habitual drunk his personality changes as does the very expression on his face. He's like a different being all powerful, strutting around and content with himself.

  I don't know if therapy will help. It will probably take a real crisis or intervention to get him to see that he's been adversely affected by his life with a dysfunctional family. Perhaps there is hope, if he's willing to recognize his core issues, but then there is the problem of finding him a support group!

  Koristton T. July 31, 1989

  Sidenote: Koristton died 7 years later of cancer, she is greatly missed by all who knew her.
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  Nadsam

  Lady lee..tried to pm you but my message didn't post.

  I totally agree that some pets are better than people....especially cats. Only a cat person can understand.

  I have several cats and today they attempted to assist me while I was preparing some fish for lunch...I almost became lunch!!.. my one cat is sitting on my lap as I type this,,she hates it when I type and tries to stop me by lying on the keyboard. Probably why I couldn't send my message,,,also why I cannot chat online as often as I want to.

  I enjoyed your post very much

  Nadsam
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  missylissy

  oh lol, i got that in my e-mail the other day. i agree, i like my pets a LOT better than i like some people. Especially my kitty Toby, she's my baby!

  haha

  -missy
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  acsot

  Absolutely great! I am printing it for my other cat friends at work.

  This part is soooo true:

  I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

  I was thinking of that when my cat stretched out across my bed last night. She unselfishly left me a space about 4.5 inches along one edge, so of course that's where I teetered, trying to read, until she decided to move over a bit.

  The other cat lies across my arm as I type, like Nadsam's. And as every cat owner can understand, my arm will go numb before I even contemplate moving her somewhere else.