updated commandments

by WildTurkey 4 Replies latest social humour

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  WildTurkey

  It's about time someone updated those commandments, so here are some suggestions...
  
  Thou shall not stick anything larger than thine own elbow in thine ear

  Thou shall not eat anything larger than thine own head

  Thou shall not kill? unless thou has a good reason to do it

  Thou shall watch porn movies

  Thou shall have an ego smaller than that of Prince Charles

  Thou shall not impersonate God, unless thou is stoned off thy ass

  Thou shall not piss in the holy water

  Thou shall not piss in the pool water

  Thou shall not sign a contract of more than seven thousand pages

  Thou shall not write a contract larger than seven thousand pages

  Thou shall not fantasize about Bob the Builder

  Thou shall not lick thine own asshole

  Thou shall not be Communist

  Thou shall not masturbate into the Fountain of Youth

  Thou shall not start the fourth Reich

  Thou shall not set homework

  Thou shall have a surname shorter than forty-six letters

  Thou shall always believe in what thy say, unless thou is wrong

  Thou shall not make love to a lamp-post

  Thou shall not eat a Nintendo

  Thou shall not eat a Playstation (Sega?s don?t matter)

  Thou shall not be flexible enough to go through thine own legs twice, backwards, without breaking thy spine

  Thou shall listen to an entire sentence before making some disgusting comment about it

  Thou shall not desecrate thine own genitalia

  Thou shall not be unco

  Thou shall not like any show on Comedy Central, other than South Park and Dr. Katz

  Thou shall commit adultery

  Thou shall hate all songs by Hanson (except maybe This Time Around)

  Thou shall not create a song lasting longer than twenty-four minutes

  Thou shall not bore shitless

  Thou shall only install light switches smaller than the wall they are on

  Thou shall consume alcohol only on special occasions, but these rules are very flexible, as Nuntas is included on the list, the celebration of the passing from morning to afternoon. (i.e. you can just make them up)

  Thou shall not do the Hampsterdance

  Thou shall not spell hamster incorrectly, with a P

  Thou shall not enter a freestyle rapping competition

  Thou shall succumb to advertising

  Thou shall not try to ?show the bank? by not paying your bill

  Thou shall break out of prison, unless thou is not in jail, in which case thou shall commit a felony, then break out of prison [Please do not take this literally]

  Thou shall not be a Video Jockey (VJ)

  Thou shall not market Windows XP

  Thou shall not be part of a pop group

  Thou shall pirate all forms of media possible

  Thou shall not play Ookeymouth (This game consists of having someone spit in your mouth and trying to say ?ookeymouth? at the same time)

  Thou shall not use Mad magazine as a basis for real life

  Thou shall not make a pocket television that fits in a change pocket

  Thou shall not stand in the street and scream ?You are the weakest link. Goodbye!? in any language

  Thou shall destroy anything to do with any sort of ?mon?. Pokemon, Digimon? it?s all got to go.

  Thou shall not chuck a psycho

  Thou shall not set dates as to the end of time.

  If you do set a date for the end, when it doesn?t thou shall not lie and say that it is the beginning of the end

  Thow shall use good spelling
• 

  franklin J

  how about adding

  "thou shall practice safe sex"
• 

  czarofmischief

  Thou shalt not shit in thine neighbor's sink, unlest he is a heathen teetotaller and in which case he deserveth it.

  Thou shalt not sleep with Mary Kate and not Ashley, nor shall ye lay bare Ashley's nakedness and not Mary Kate's at the same time! They are the Olsen, thou damnable cur, and they go together.

  If thou waketh up in a puddle of your own vomit, feces, and urine, thou shalt bathe and wash your clothes and remain unclean until the evening.

  thou shalt not take the alternative press too seriously - for that way lies madness and half-assed marxism.

  If thou wakest up and seeth a fiery cross on your lawn, get ye the shotgun out and smite the sheet-wearing bastards, yea, smite them most mightily, for the Lord loves a family man.

  If there is a Nazi on the street handing out pamphlets, thou shalt confront him. Nor must ye listen to the Horst Wessel song, for your grandfather worked hard to get rid of that braindead ideology, and thou must not dishonor thine grandfather.

  Thou shalt vote. (Czar's interpretive commentary: Obviously, not Democrat)

  Thou shalt get drunk once a week, to remember that thou art human, and indeed, will die one day in a puddle of thine own fecal matter. Shit thou art and to shit thou shall return.

  Thou shalt adopt a child of the people you hate the most - for then your blood and theirs will be mixed forever and you must not hate your brother.

  Thou shalt not pay more than 2 dollars for a gallon of gasoline - unless you are a Euro-socialist weenie, in which case thou deservest what thou gettest.

  CZAR
• 

  Dan-O

  Thou shall not like any show on Comedy Central, other than South Park and Dr. Katz

  Thou shall also enjoy The Man Show, for "Girls on Trampolines" are good for the soul.
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  in a new york bethel minute

  If you do set a date for the end, when it doesn?t thou shall not lie and say that it is the beginning of the end

  thou shalt not give the word "generation" 27,000 meanings, each MORE "true" than the last

  thou shalt only have one light, and it gets not brighter, ever.

  thou shalt not blame thy mistakes on the Holy Spirit, Angels or thine own followers. It's thy fault, Russel/Rutherford/Knorr/Franz/Henschel

  thou shalt have one mediator for thy people, and it's not YOU!!