How to respond?

by Purza 7 Replies latest jw friends

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  Purza

  Greetings. I am still a newbie and I have been on vacation for the past week so I haven't had a chance to catch up. But I have a little problem and I was wondering how others have handled a similar situation. If a similar topic has come up recently, I apologize for the duplication.

  My mother and I have always had a love/hate relationship. There is a new assembly hall going up in the area and my mother volunteers there and sends me pictures of the construction. I do not respond to these pictures as I am not really impressed. She is upset at me now for not responding and has told me that since I no longer associate with the "friends" that I shouldn't BLAME the truth. I should blame my father who is crippled emotionally (but has been an elder for 40 years and a closet alcoholic I might add).

  How do you tell a family member that you just do not care about being a JW anymore? I do not consider myself an apostate, but I do see a lot of hypocrisy in the "organization". I do not think I can point those hypocritcal things out as it would turn my mother off and if she still wants to believe in that, then she is entitled. I do not feel I can just bluntly say "to heck with it all" (although that might be the easiest way).

  How have you handled telling your family members that you just do not want to be a part of JW land anymore?

  Purza
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  DanTheMan

  I'd probably need to know a little more about your family dynamic before I answered that question. Judging from your post it sounds like your mom may be the type of JW who has never had a doubt and will tolerate no dissent from her offspring. Ya gotta choose your battles...
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  findingme

  You need to do what is best for YOU, not what is expected by anyone else--even your mother. If you go through life pretending to be a JW then you really would by guilty of hypocrisy. Don't lie to yourself. Don't feel guilty about feeling the way you truly feel. You feel how you do, and that's that. Even if your feelings are misunderstood and confusing..(to you and to others) you have good reason, you just haven't figured it out yet.

  I was fading for a couple of years before I left, and when I did, it was as if a big LIE was finally out of my life. I WAS LYING to everyone and to myself. I decided it was better to be truthful and leave....then to be miserable by pretending to be who I wasn't. Please don't get me wrong: I am not one to talk people out of this religion. I still have respect for people who live according to very strict principles. I do, however, feel that people have a mind of their own and should not feel pressure to believe or feel what is not there anymore...

  A year or so after I left, I ran into my exhubby. He asked me when I was coming back to the KH. I wasn't rude and I wasn't going to lie. I told him very politely "I don't fit in there anymore". He looked very disappointed and as he turned around to walk away. Oh well. So I didn't make him happy....

  Disappointing a parent may be a little tougher, but you are still your own person. No matter what, people in the organization are going to find fault with people who are fading or leaving. There is no way around that. It's going to take courage and guts to be your own person and defend your own actions.

  The bottom line: don't go to the KH or act a certain way because other people are watching you or expecting you to be this way. If it's not inside you, what can you do?.....decide for yourself what to do.

  You are not a bad person. The very fact that you recognize something bothering you shows you still have a conscience.
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  shamus

  Just take it if you can. Until you tell her that you've had enough, it's this relationship or probably absolute shunning.

  You could tell her that you're depressed and to stop making you feel guilty, but remember that's lying too.
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  Sassy

  Purza, I know how you feel. I was very worried about talking to my mother. If I could have avoided telling her anything I would have, because I didn't want to hurt her. In the end, I just told her I needed a break from JW activities and asked her not to push me on it or it would push me farther way. It was true, but I just left out the fact I had doubts about the WTS. I know she isn't ready to hear it. I don't know if I did the right thing because in the end she is kind of treating me like I am df'd or da'd any way.. but I think it would have been devasting to her to her all how I feel.. We have to do what we have to do.. just take it a day at a time.. play it by ear.. each of our situations are different and what is right for me, might not be right for you.
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  Purza

  Thank you everyone for your responses. It is very helpful to me. I should have added that my mother and I only speak via email -- so there isn't much face to face contact. My parents live an hour away. My mother also has used excuses not to go to the meetings and she listens to them via the phone. This recent volunteer activity has helped her become a "better" JW.

  The bottom line is that I need to stand up for what I feel inside. I think I just needed to hear a few encouraging words -- thanks.

  Purza
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  Carmel

  Purza, when I was almost 15 I was challanged by my family at my brother's funeral how I could "leave Jehovah" or words to that effect. I simply told the truth. I had just finished studiing propaganda and realized that what I was being told by the witnesses was only their side of the story. I wanted to be able to make "sure of all things" by looking at all sides of an issue before making up my mind. I'd asked dozens of questions before and after my baptism at age 12 and was never given satisfactory answers, in fact just asking the questions got me in trouble. So, my only choice was to seek truth for myself and if I determined the witnesses were correct, I would be wholehearted about being one, but if not, then I would seek truth where ever I found it. It was not easy as I was being attacked by my whole family and there was a lot of psychological pressure and guilt being put on me, but I stood my grounds knowing it was defensible and I held the moral high ground.

  I hope you are able to deal with it and not be burdened by the coersion and guilt that comes with the JW territory. That in itself is enough to tell me they are off the track. The "truth" does not need fear and guilt to attract followers.

  Best regards,

  carmel
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  Mary

  My mother also has used excuses not to go to the meetings and she listens to them via the phone. This recent volunteer activity has helped her become a "better" JW.

  It sounds to me like your mother is, from a Dubs point-of-view, a "fairweather Christian". She doesn't go to any meetings, but listens in by phone?? Wow, someone's certainly 'lacking appreciation'. Does she go out in Service at all? Or does she do telephone witnessing? If she's not going to the meetings or out in service, then where does she get off condemning you? Pretty hypocritical if you ask me. I know what I'm talking about too because my parents don't go out in Service, they miss at least half the meetings, yet they insist that "this is The Truth" and that everyone who's not a JW is gonna die at The Big A. I've tried talking to my dad about some of the things wrong with the Organization, but he doesn't want to hear it.