Hi Digderidoo,
A couple of years ago my parents split up, too -- more accurately, my mother left my father, which more or less devastated him, and even today he isn't quite the same.
Fortunately my mother waited until all of us (my brothers and I) were grown up before she left. It made things easier, I think, but it still wasn't "easy." The fantasy of someday bringing my children to their grandparent's house -- that seat of the family patriarch and matriarch, site of my childhood -- was ruined. A lot of the future plans our family held (anniversary parties, vacations, etc.) were now impossible. Special occasions (weddings, graduations, births) were now awkward. And for a good year or so, I strongly resented it. Eventually I decided that our family had enough resilience to make new future plans, that there was plenty of family lore to pass onto my future children. It took a long time to really believe that, though.
When two people are in love do they really need a marriage ceremony to confirm that? Promises and vows can be just ripped up in the law courts, so why do people get married?Sometimes i think that people get married out of a form of insecurity about the relationship. Surely if two people are committed to each other they don't need to publicly declare it, do they?
I agree 100%, and it's something I thought to myself endlessly before I finally proposed to my girlfriend. But eventually I thought [excuse following language], "fuck it, maybe it'll be that way -- we'll split up -- or maybe we won't, but ultimately that's largely up to me." What I plan to remind myself, once I'm married, is that the institution of marriage is not a panacea for all the problems that come with mutual cohabitation and other facets of relationships.
I don't know if this is naive or not.
Of course, I'm still doing things all out of order. My fiancee is pregnant, a fact that doesn't bother us, precisely because we know how strongly we are committed to each other, and how much each of us really wants this baby. I wouldn't love my fiancee any more, be any more devoted to her, if we had a marriage certificate. We'll get one eventually, because it's a gesture, a symbol, that we want to have made ... but it's a gesture or symbol of something that's already there.
Anyway, sorry if I've gotten off-topic with my personal life. Getting back to your parents' divorce, I would just say this: give yourself time to react to it, because it isn't the sort of thing you react to in a day. Be open and honest with your parents about how they feel. After my parents' separation, I told my mother (as respectfully as one can say such a thing) that I thought she was a hypocrite. She listened patiently, said she understood why I would think that, and explained a few things about her decision to leave. That conversation helped a lot, only because I was honest enough to express my disappointment in her. Maybe you'll have similar conversations with your parents. You don't need to yell at them, bite their heads off, tell them how to live their lives -- just tell them what you think.
Dedalus
