What do you do when Elders (or Parents) come calling?

M@el5trom

The subject pretty much is my question, but here is a little background - I have recently made the decision to fade away, but have been relatively inactive as a JW for a couple years. I live in the same town I grew up in, and at one time was a MS and regular pioneer. Therefore, a couple of elders, and my dad, make a point of stopping by to see how we (my wife and I) are doing. My wife has had a series of health issues, so that has been our main excuse for not being at the meetings so far.

The problem is that that will only last so long, and my dad is already pointing out that I COULD be going by myself if my "priorities" were in the right area. The main elder that stops by is a friend of the family and I grew up with his son as my best friend, so he feels a personal interest in helping me.

I really don't want to outright lie to them (not to mention I am bad at lying anyways), but I am not ready to face the consequences if I tell them my concerns and thoughts about the org. Regardless of the relationships involved, I'm sure it would become a problem if I was not able to "adjust" my thinking correctly.

Mael

kls

Wow this is a hard one to answer,i have been out a long time so i am not really the person to answer this but my feelings are you either have to keep up with reasons for not attending meetings or let them know you are no longer interested. Either way it is not going to be pleasent . If you feel you are strong enough to let them know you are not interested ,to me that would be the fastest way out but you will loose your friends and maybe you father. There is no easy soultion and it is going to take all the strength you have . Like you said the excuses will wear out . What ever you decide do it for you and keep us up to date.

Carmel

You don't say how old you are Mael, but if you're married its time "father" starts accepting you as an adult and quit the "fathering". I know that's impossible for JW parents that think they are some how at fault if one of their offspring don't tow the line, but we have to cut the umbilical at some point. I hope your wife recovers and you are able to face the reality of the limited choices the Borg has to offer.

I too can't really advise you as I couldn't care less what my parents or siblings thought of me when I left and began my investigation into reality. they were incensed, I was not the least concerned about their consternation or whether or not they shunned me. Guess the rebel in me ruled the day.

carmel

willyloman

I can share w you the most important advice I received when I began my own fade, and that was from JT:

The main reason to fade is to buy yourself some time to make new friends and develop new interests that are outside the organization. The other reason is to maintain civil relations with your family. The first is up to you. The second is beyond your control, as you are beginning to see from your dad's passive aggression.

So, what steps are you taking to develop new friends and interests? If the answer is "none," better get started. You cannot assume you can just fade away and eventually no one with ever bother you again. In the circumstances you have described, it doesn't sound like your father or this elder/family friend will ever "give up" on you. So you have to face the fact that ONE DAY you will be backed into a corner and your conscience will be screaming at you and you will be left with NO CHOICE but to tell them the truth.

On that day, you will need friends and other interests. Start acquiring them today.

lazyslob

Don´t you have to work extra time in the evenings to pay the doctor´s bill´s. Sleeping disorder was VERY helpfull for me. You can´t expect me to stay up all the hours to go to the meetings and support my family :)

4JWY

HELLO, I AM 4JWY'S 17 YEAR OLD SON. MY ADVICE IS TO JUST TELL THE TRUTH. THAT IS WHAT I DID WITH MY PARENTS AND IT FEELS SO GOOD TO JUST SAY WHAT YOU FEEL AND NOT BE AFRAID. MY MOM LOVES ME FOR IT. SHE WASNT AFRAID TO TELL MY GRANDPA THAT WE ARE NOT COMING BACK - BE YOUR OWN PERSON AND LIVE YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT TO INSIDE.

M@el5trom

I do "work a lot of overtime" - some of it for real :) Especially on Tues. and Thurs. nights. In fact - I am working some OT tommorrow night.

This is something that my wife and I talk about frequently. I have been making steps towards this. It is ingrained deeply in me to please my parents as well, and I would like to keep the relationship if at all possible, but I realize it may not be.

blondie

Mael, we come from so many different reference points, don't we?

I too am a fader. It's been almost 2 years since I last attended a meeting (1 year for my husband). I have a dysfunctional family due to alcoholism and child sexual abuse. By the time I stopped attending, some of my family had already started shunning me and my husband even though we were an active, meeting attending, out in the ministry JWs. My husband was even an elder. Due to the other issues of abuse, I had stopped my association with the rest of my family. You'd think that would have made fading easier after 3 years of non-contact. But, no, some of them think they have to save you.

Willyloman had good advice. Find new friends and interests. Re-establish ties with non-JW family, get to know your neighbors, get involved in school activities, have a hobby, get involved in community issues. We do more things now with our non-JW relatives. They will be surprised at first since for years you have avoided them as "bad association," but we have found them forgiving and loving. I am involved in child abuse issues and tutor people in literacy classes. We do more things with some people at work as well, dinner, movies.

As to elders visiting, they have been told they must call first and make an appointment. Now consider the fact that I am a 3rd generation JW in this area and have was an active JW for over 40 years. If they aren't relatives then they're "friends" I have had for over as many as 40 years. You aren't obligated to tell them anything. Just say it is too painful to talk about and when you are ready to talk you will tell them this as you gently show them the door. This will be harder with your father. If he is not respecting your boundaries, then you have to face the fact that it may not be able to keep your previous relationship. Someone loving you in a healthy way will respect your space. Many times fading highlights existing family problems.

Moving to another area could help some, but there is always the family issue. It is good you have your wife at your side. It means so much to me to have my husband by my side in this.

Take it a day at a time, reach out and make new contacts, and be firm but loving with your family and friends.

Blondie

Maverick

Mael welcome!

You have been given some good advice.

As a father I knew at some point my daughter would have to make up her own mind what to do about her spiritual well being. I would not push her, force her or try to "guilt" her to worship as I did. The God I worshipped is not an exortioner. I reasoned if the JW's will baptize a person at 12 years old then about that time I stopped trying to influence her. Your a married adult man. Your father needs to respect you as one. Do you think the True God would want you if you worship him only to please your parents and not cause trouble? The WatchTower god is not like the True God. With the WTS it is all about the appearance of worship. Ask your Dad if he is really concerned about you or how he will look to others if you walk away? Maverick

What do you do when Elders (or Parents) come calling?

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