My life as a JW began at birth in 1969
My life as a JW began at birth in 1969. I was born to a pioneer mother and elder father. My father?s mother had been brought into the truth sometime in the mid-50?s, and he went along with her. They both suffered at the hands of my grandfather, who was violently opposed to them becoming ?Jews.?
My dad met my mom in the early 60?s and soon she became a JW as well. They were married in 1965. At the time they were part of a relatively small congregation in the mid-west. As my father later said, ?Boy, what a self-righteous lot we were!? Being the time just before 1975, they were very active in the preaching work and brought nearly 20 families into the ?Truth.? When I was born, they never thought I would start grade-school, as Armageddon would come in ?75. (Interesting how now everyone says ?We never said that, it was only ?speculated? on.?)
Anyway, back to my birth. Had I been aware, I would have realized that something was wrong with the ?Truth? and the organization of ?love? at that time. When I was born, my mother hemorrhaged, and although she adamantly refused a blood transfusion, she was forced to take one ? a step that actually did save her life. Well, guess what happened to this effective, devout pioneer and her elder husband? She was disfellowshipped for not putting up enough of a fight against the blood transfusion and my father was removed as an elder. In talking to them in later years about this occurrence, they both express some resentment for the way it was handled, but excused it as ?the Society doing what they understood to be the right thing at the time.? Huh??!!
She suffered mental anguish from the ?rejection of Jehovah? for years, trying twice to commit suicide in early ?75 as she was sure she wouldn?t make it past Armageddon, since she had committed the great sin of taking blood, even though, by this time, she was reinstated and again pioneering. Well, guess what, in its infinite wisdom, the ?organization of love? did? She was again disfellowshipped for attempting suicide (despite the presence of her psychiatrist who told the brothers that she was suffering from major depression as a direct result of their last ?act of love?). They told her that she should have never sought professional help, that she should have prayed with the brothers and spent more time in service. My dad was once again removed as an elder.
As an only child, I was always very aware of my surroundings. I learned to read at age 3, am on tape quoting scriptures at 2 ½, gave my first #2 talk at age 6, my first talk on an assembly (a #2 at a circuit assembly) at age 8, and by age 12 was routinely giving and subbing for #4 talks. I was baptized at age 13, and aux. pioneered that very summer. Needless to say, I understood a lot of things about the ?truth? at a very young age. All the dealings that the brothers had with my parents had a very profound affect on me and I was terrified that they would not survive Armageddon.
Obviously, ?75 came and went without a hitch. We received ?new light? on the ?end.? I remember well the ?great apostasy? of the early 80?s involving Ray Franz very well. We were told that a ?small group? of liars and apostates had tainted the literature and were spreading lies about the organization. At the time I couldn?t understand how anyone that close to the governing body could ever do such a thing. How could they not recognize the ?truth? for what it is? We were told that anyone who ever questioned the teachings of the organization was to be ?told on? immediately and to be avoided like the plague.
In the late 70?s we moved out of state to a very small congregation where the ?need was great.? My parents ended up being the cornerstone of that congregation for nearly 25 years, because, despite all that had happened to them, they continued to put all their efforts into the organization. I too worked very hard at becoming a good little witness. I put in all my hours, gave my talks, prepared for all the meetings, got to do ?stuff? within the congregation. All the while, I faced ridicule at school, but ?stood firm for my faith.? But growing up as the only witness in a small town and facing the daily pressures and ridicule really took a toll on me emotionally, remnants of which exist to this day.
In ?85, two families moved into our hall ? an elder, an MS, and their wives were both full-time pioneers. At first it was perceived as a ?blessing from Jehovah.? Then the problems started. It was the ?new? against the ?old? and would have rivaled any TV drama from the time. There was plenty of self-righteousness to go around, and the organization became secondary to one-upsmanship. The meetings became forums for each side picking at the other. Comments were made during talks and at the Watchtower study getting back at each other. For instance, after it became known to her that a group of people (including myself) had gone to see ?Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom,? one of the sisters launched into a 5-minute ?comment? tirade about the violence and spiritism in the movie and how no ?true Christian? would ever view this as entertainment. I can?t even begin to get across how bad the situation was. It was at this time that it began to dawn on me that, despite all claims to the contrary, this organization was no different from ?Christendom? in showing love and unity. Eventually, a special committee was formed, including a representative from New York, who evaluated the situation and dissolved the congregation. All the brothers were deleted, except one ? my father. We had to go to a hall 30-miles away. Currently, every one of those involved is either disfellowshipped or inactive.
This was really the turning point in my life as a JW. I never again felt the ?zeal? that I had before. I became cynical and distrustful. I had never like field service, but believed as I was told that the more I did it, the more I would like it. Wrong! I began putting in only a couple of hours a month. During this time, all the ?worldly? desires I had ? to play sports, to date, to be ?normal? began to really come out. I was counseled time and time again about my ?improper? desires and associates. I was told to pray more, spend more time in service, etc. My own father even threatened to recommend I be disfellowshipped. You can?t imagine how that felt. I felt like no one cared about me or what I felt, only what I did visibly, through my ?works.?
I became depressed. I had never had plans to go to college, because Armageddon was always ?right around the corner.? I had no future and despite encouragement, knew I would never fit in at Bethel. I basically became worthless and felt worthless because I didn?t have the approval of the group that had mattered to me my whole life.
In the late ?80?s I met a girl whom I had known previously. Her father was also an elder and had been good friends with my family. She had been away from the "truth" for a while and was coming back in. We were at similar places in our lives. We married and began together to "do what was right" and become devout in our faith again. Since I had no post H.S. education, we struggled to make it financially. After she became pregnant, I decided I had to at least get a limited education for a trade of some type. I enrolled in a program in the medical field. I was immediately counseled by the brothers for seeking higher education and the dangers there-in. I went to school 5 days a week and had to work every weekend, so my meeting attendance was spotty, but I was doing the best I could. We were not "good enough" to associate with the "good" witnesses and felt left out despite our efforts.
When I finished school in the early 90?s, we moved to a congregation where some of my other family attended. Being in the medical field, I had to work shift work and every other weekend. Again, we were shunned and counseled for our meeting attendance and field service attendance. Not in a "what can we do to help" way, but in a "you need to stop being on the fence" sort of way. Really loving.
A year later, we moved yet again, seeking, to some extent a fresh start. I had a job with much more favorable hours and we again made our very best efforts. Evidently, though, in the "true loving organization," your past is never behind you, thanks to a little thing called the "publisher?s record card." When we first moved to this congregation, you?d have thought everyone there was our best friend. But, when I sent for our record cards, and they arrived, it was like we were completely different people. I was counseled for not having led my family spiritually in the past. I thought, "Fine, I?ll show you a thing or two." My wife and I aux pioneered, attended every meeting for the better part of two years. In short, did everything you?re "supposed" to do.
Then, after the Memorial in 1995, we had some "friends" over for a small get-together. We had some wine, cheese, that sort of thing. I had a 3-4 glasses of wine, visited with the brothers. The next week, after the bookstudy, I was counseled by my conductor that I had "stumbled" someone there with my excessive alcohol intake. Oh, and by the way, it has come to our attention that your wife is spreading rumors about sister so-and-so and we need to talk to her about that. (Something that I knew to be totally untrue, as I knew who had told ME the story and was spreading it throughout the congregation ? the same person who had blamed my wife for gossiping ? a "respected" elder?s wife.) I had had enough. I was devastated that all my hard work meant nothing because some self-righteous morons whom I had called good friends were so quick to stab me in the back. I felt rejected by the organization and, as witness reasoning has it, by Jehovah himself. I went home and tried to take my life. Fortunately I was unsuccessful, but guess who came to see me from the congregation? You guessed it?.no one! I haven?t been to a meeting since and NEVER received so much as a phone call from any brother anywhere.
Fast forward to 2003. My parents, still a cornerstone of their small congregation, went through a very rough time. My mother?s depression returned (lingering effects from 30 years prior) and she left my dad. By this time, my parents had been there 25 years; thousands of hours in the ministry locally, thousands of hours of personal time for meeting parts, maintenance on the hall, elder, pioneer. My dad had spent every weekend for 5 years working on the regional assembly hall, had been on the Regional Building Committee. They both learned Spanish to witness to the large Spanish population and had brought a number of Spanish speakers into the organization. They were turned on so quickly by that group of idiots that it made me physically ill. There were lies, innuendos, threats, harassing visits and phone calls. I have never, in any organization, seen a group show less love, less compassion or be more vengeful than this group. These were people I had known a large part of my life. People that my parents had helped nurture in the organization ? people that called themselves "friends" and "brothers." For the courses of action they took against the brothers there they were promptly disfellowshipped. My mother begged not to be, and had to be escorted to a psychiatric facility in handcuffs in front of my 14-year-old daughter who had gone with her for support. She still has not completely recovered. And you know what? After all this, they are both working towards reinstatement. I personally don?t get it, but that?s not my decision.
I could go on and on with examples of what I have seen happen to friends and family over the last 35 years of my life that prove that this is not an organization of love, but rather of control. We were always told that "no organization is perfect because imperfect men are involved." Well, those "imperfect men" should not have the ability to devastate someone?s life. They are usually uneducated, power-drunk morons who use fear and intimidation disguised by ?love for the brothers? and a "desire to keep the organization clean" to impose their will on a "flock" who has no recourse when they are treated unfairly. I will never set foot in a Kingdom Hall again.
If this makes me an "apostate," then so be it. I?m not sure that I will ever recover from my feeling of failure that I wasn?t able to "ignore imperfect men" and be a good little JW. But I?ll have to live with that. I see hypocrisy in all religions, and I see good people in all religions. In my time as a JW, I met many truly humble people who felt they were doing the right thing and truly cared about others. Unfortunately, they never seemed to be the ones in power. I also don?t agree that honestly sincere people of other religions will be ignored. Doesn?t Acts say that ?all men? who want to be "saved" will be?
I kept a lot of these thoughts to myself until a few months ago, from the most unlikely of places, I received some encouragement that there were others like me. My aunt, who was a pioneer and an elder?s wife, was talking about the membership to the U.N., the gradual loosening of the blood and voting issues, etc. I did the unthinkable this week and did an Internet search on ?Jehovah's Witnesses? and was amazed by what I found. No wonder JWs are constantly told to avoid reading about their religion online. I now have a lot more research and assessment to do. I even feel guilty for writing this, but I?m hoping in time that will pass. I would like my name to remain anonymous, as I still have a great number of friends and family that are JWs and I?m not ready to share all that I have learned with them. That will come in time. But I can be reached at [email protected]. Please email me with thoughts, ideas, or even encouragement. I?m at a point I can really use it right now.
contributed via Randy Watters