Being that this is the first Father's Day since my 'quiting'.. I anxiously went to the local Hallmark store to see about getting my dad a card at the very least.... I'm one of those people who never buy cards in advance to have handy just in case. No, when I have a card I want to send someone, I will always go through every card in the store in the area I am interested in and find the perfect card to show my sentiments of the person I am sending it to..
My father was never a JW.. His father died when he was 13 years old and he and his brother quit school and worked the farm and got gas station jobs, so their mother could keep the farm. My grandmother (his mother) took the girls to church while the boys worked so religion was never a part of dad's life. When mom found a book that a neighbor was studying in, he had no problem with her checking into this new found religion, as long as she understood he was to be no part of it..
Over night she knew it was what she had been searching for.. Over night our lives changed. He allowed her to take all of us to the meeting and we were expected to be a part of it. From that day forward mom and dad began to slowly split apart. The death of their marriage would not come for many many years to come, but her life changed when she became a JW. No more going with him to the Moose Club for drinks and dancing, no more going out to friends houses for drinks, no her life was filled with meetings and being a christian.
Because his friends and work mates would complain to him about his wife pushing her bible and magazines on them, so my father hated that we went. Mom would have to sneak us in service and she did.
As I read the cards today I saw sentiments about fathers always sacrificing for the family.. That didn't fit.. I love my dad but that doesn't fit him.. as he grew apart from my mother, he spent more time at the bars and coming home long after we had gone to bed. On Sunday mornings when we could finally have a chance to see him, we had to get up and go to the meetings. So the most we spent time with my dad was when we had a bowl of cereal while he had his coffee Sunday mornings and then by the time we were back from the meeting, he was at the neighbors houses visiting with them.
Some of the cards mentioned long walks, memories of being carried on daddy's shoulders... I have none of those.. even the word Daddy doesn't fit, he was always Dad..
it angers me because I blame this religion for our lack of closeness... He was so unhappy with the witness lifestyle around him he was never home. The day he told me he was divorcing my mom, he took me aside and told me it was because of the religion. He knew if he did not become a JW, he would never fit in this family. So he gave it up and ironically served papers on their 25th wedding anniversary.
My dad hated the JWs even more when the congregation helped mom clean out the house when she moved (to pioneer in a nearby cong).. One woman in the congregation was very verbal about her not leaving a single nail in the walls of the house. My brother and sister stayed in the house and he couldn't believe that even with her children staying in the home, that she wouldn't let him have anything.
As time went on, dad got more bitter at me. Mom was now out of town and moved, but I was still like her in that I look like her, and unlike my brother and sister stayed a JW. So I was a reminder of the JWs and my mom to him.. One year a close friend at work tried to commit suicide. I ran to his side in a Mpls hospital because his family was down in TX and I knew he needed someone.. I was scolded for doing so, because he was 'gasp' worldly.. I remember distinctly a sister/friend telling me if I go down to this hospital to be there for this worldly man, my life was going to take a turn and I would be out of the faith. Well I went any way.. ok.. why am I talking about this man in a thread about my dad?? Well.......it happened just before Christmas. Each year in the previous years, since my brother lives out of town, he comes home for Christmas to celebrate with my dad and sister. Since my brother is not in the area often, it was my few chances to see him so I would ask if I could come up after the gifts were open, so I didn't infringe on their fun... This years my friend had no where to go, and so I offered for a couple days that he stay at my place. I knew doing so, if it was found out that I had a man staying in my house, I would end up dfd.. so between the aftermath and realization of saving his life.. calling 911.. the whole thing.. I emotionally needed someone.. and I couldn't turn to my mother. How could I tell my JW mom that I had this man at my house or all the stuff I was dealing with over the incident.. and then I was stressed to be 'caught' with a man in my house.. So I called my dad and asked if I could come up early this year. I explained about having just gone through this incident and needed to be around family. My dad said no. as a matter of fact, he didn't want me to come up at all. If I was going to be a JW, he didn't want me there. I got off the phone and fell apart.. The next year two weeks before Christmas I came home one night to a message on the answering machine from a very drunk dad reminding me that it was the holidays and said I was not welcome around his home that time of year. Earlier he had said it was ok for me to come the next day after presents but I guess he thought better of it.. my sister asked if I was coming and I couldn't bear to tell her the message on the machine, so I lied and said that I had to be out of town that weekend but to give everyone my love.. because I knew they might drive by my house on the way to dad's I left the lights off all weekend pretending to be gone and cried..
Well.. of course I had to be a glutton for punishment.. two years ago when I went home at Dec.. (now I have to fly home since I am no longer in MN).. I hoped to see Dad as well as my brother and sister. This year my brother was only going to be there one day, so the day they opened presents was my only chance to see him. I called my dad and begged for him to let me come home. He said no. He said I knew how he felt and as long as I was going to be a JW, I couldn't come. I was going through the beginnings of a break up of my 2nd marriage and I really needed family, so I cried and begged some more, but he got mad and said if I wanted to be a part of this family to celebrate Christmas with them or get out of it. My heart broke in two..
Now my dad loves me.. I know that.. but he hates the religion more..
So we are rebuilding.. I didn't fly home last Christmas even though I was going to celebrate it.. because.. well pride I guess.. I wanted to be there but I was angry that my love had been turned away because of being a JW.. I was the same person who needed love and gave it whether I was a JW or not.. so I guess I couldn't just say.. OK.. you can love me again cuz i'm no longer a JW..
so I broke the ice and sent gifts in the mail.
I'll fly home next Christmas and maybe we can finally become a functional family..
but all my problems with my dad have been because of the WTS.. and its control on me.. I hate them.....I hate what I have lost in my life because of them..
and today looking at those loving cards.. not one fit.. I got a corny joke one about sending him a paradise island for fathers days......and it had a coctail umbrella in it.. Well he likes to drink, he'll probably get a kick out of it..