Lehaa, what you are going through right now is unbelievably painful, but one day your daughter will thank you for it. Mine have. I left as an adult, and my two oldest were already baptized. But they've thanked me repeatedly for having the courage to set the example for them by getting out. We have a wonderful, close relationship, perhaps made even closer by the fact that we have all been rejected and isolated from the rest of the family. They now understand the horror of what the religion put me through, and respect and admire me for being able to pull myself back together and heal.
I've been on a high for many years now, ever since I left. I have been able to finally do the things I was always prevented from doing. Gone to university, learned so much, had the world open up to me. My daughters are now able to do the same - every one of them is pursuing their dreams, no longer shackled by ridiculous restrictions laid on them by a paternalistic cult.
There are still lows, of course. At times it hurts that I have lost so much. I try and turn it around and focus instead on what I've gained, and on what they have lost (and continue to lose). This weekend they are all at the convention. It made me think about the way things used to be, and I won't lie that I do miss my family on occasion. But I keep reminding myself that it is their choice, not mine.
I know how bad it can get during the darkest days of the df'ing. I used to wake up screaming in the middle of the night, in intolerable pain, not sure if I could make it through another day. but I did make it, and I'm a stronger person for it. In a few more years I'll charter as a psychologist, and I'll be in a position where I can help heal others who have gone through the same kind of religious hell.
Stay strong, Lehaa. You will make it through. Take time for yourself and your daughter, do things you enjoy.
Send me a post if you ever want to talk. I've been there.
High this week? Attending my grandfather's 99th birthday party.
Low? Seeing my father at that party, all alone. Realizing again how the religion has torn my family apart.
High to make up for the low: my daughters, my little grandson, and I all at the party with my father!