Question re: children/adults <totally off to...

by reagan_oconnor 8 Replies latest jw friends

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  reagan_oconnor

  This is completely unrelated to JW, but I would like to garner some opinions on this...

  I was raised to call adults in the congregation "Brother" and "Sister." Non-JW adults were Mr. or Mrs. unless they advised me to call them by their first names.

  We have a neighbor who allows her 3 and 4 year old sons to call my husband and I by our first names. My husband corrected one of the boys in front of his father, telling him, "Please call me Mr. O'Connor." The boy's father totally missed it.

  We now ignore the children when they call us by their first names, but it's obviously not "getting through." I want to write Ann Landers, see if she'll post the letter, and then surreptitiously mail it to my neighbor to see if she "gets the hint."

  Any suggestions on how I might do this?

  Thanks,
  Reagan

  "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul."
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  Amazing

  Hi Reagan: I was raised with Southern values in the 1950s. When responding to an adult male we called him Sir and an adult female we called Mam. If a relative, it was always Mom or Mother, Dad or Papa, Uncle or Aunt. Our siblings were always addressed by their first name. If we addressed an adult to get their attention, it was then Mr. if married and Master if unmarried or Mrs. if married or Miss if unmarried.

  I was very formal when I became a JW. And the JWs got me to lighten up and use first names. The term Brother or Sister when addressing JWs was always uncomfortable to me, reminding me of Union commradship. I only used Brother of Sister when calling on someone in the audience when I conducted a Service Meeting part or Watchtower Study. I never did use it when engaging in personal conversation with JWs.

  Nowadays, I call just about anyone, anything, except when I am in court for clients, then I always call the Judge, Your Honor. I refer to any attorneys present as Mr. Otherwise, I am not very formal anymore. This has cost me some headaches, so when I sense that I am engaging in communication with a serious professional who holds these older values dear, then I return to my formalities with them.

  In general, the American culture has all but abandoned these formalities, and it is very rare to hear children use formal and respectful terms when addressing adults. It is a part of our society that I do miss. - Amazing
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  Simon

  I always found it hard when I'd been calling older brothers and sisters "Uncle" and "Autie" so-and-so for years and then got so old that it sounded silly. Suddenly trying to switch to proper first names like "Joyce" and "Bill" was very difficult...

  You could always try grabbing them by the throat and shouting at them in a slightly psycho kind of way - that usually get's great results
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  LDH

  Reagan:

  1. Don't sweat the small stuff
  2. It's all small stuff

  Growing up in a house like Amazing describes, right down to addressing our parents with 'yes sir-no sir yes ma'am-no ma'am' I can honestly say I bristled at it.

  Later during my teenage JW years having to call everyone BR and SR really toasted my cookies!

  I came to realize that respect wasn't in the formal way you addressed someone, but rather how you dealt with that person.

  Therefore, I encourage my daughter's friends to call me Lisa. As long as they are talking to me with respect, they can address me on a first name basis.

  And yes, I have corrected them, which they seem to welcome. Eden's friends are NOT allowed to call the house and say, "Is Eden home?" Rather I have instructed them that it is proper to say, "Hello! This is ----. May I please speak to Eden?"

  Much more effective in teaching them respect than worrying about them calling me Mrs.
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  Mulan

  I have to agree with the other posters on this issue. You had rules for your children, but shouldn't expect other people to follow those rules. Their children follow the rules they make, for their homes.

  It's like going to your a friend's home and they allow their kids to walk all over the furniture in their shoes. You don't allow that at your house, but you would be out of line to correct their children, but at the same time, you can keep yours from doing it too.

  It's a small thing. Like LDH says "don't sweat the small stuff." In our society, that is really very insignificant. They aren't calling you anything abusive, so be glad for that. My little granddaughter, 3 years old, has started calling people "poo poo head", and other 'charming' names. It is being corrected, I might add.
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  LDH

  Bringing this back up cuz I think it's a good topic that deserves more discussion.....

  Lisa
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  open_mind

  I was raised to call people Sir and Mam. My parents were always mom and dad. Strangers were either Sir or Mr. _____, and Mam or Ms. _____. I always hold the door for strangers, and let the elderly get in front of me in line at the grocery store. I wish I were raised in the 50's. The 90's are (were) rough. That is where I spent my teenage years.

  My childeren will be raised to be very respectful to others. I expect their friends to be respectful of me.
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  waiting

  hey reagan,

  I was raised in Indiana in the 50's. We had to kiss our mother & father goodby everytime we went out (which our friends thought was really odd). We said thank you to our mom for making every meal. We said please and thank you a lot. We kissed both parents good nite every nite. We had to do these things - and didn't mind.

  Sounds nice? Yeah, but my dad was beating the hell out of us and raping me and my kid brother among other various things. Oh, and both parents drank a lot of liquor on a very regular basis. Oh, and my dad had various male/female sexual partners on the side.

  There was nothing wrong with my dad's rules (and they were his, btw), but they weren't as important as what went on in private. One of my mom's favorite rules was "what goes on inside these 4 walls - stays inside these 4 walls."

  So, I guess what I'm trying to say - there are more important things than outward gestures and titles.

  It should be nice that the kids say "hello" and not "up yours." It would be nice to have them as friends instead of antagonists in 5-10 years, don't you think?

  Lisa's right - just a little thing.

  waiting
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  reagan_oconnor

  I appreciate all of the comments so far; I'd like to think that I'm a *little* more open-minded than I used to be as a JW...

  This is just one of those things, small as it may seem, that is important to me.

  It irritates me when I go to a restaurant and see young kids (or younger adults) waiting in every available chair while older or handicapped people stand. Or men/boys who don't hold the door for their wives/daughters/sisters. My Dad had never held a door for my mother in his LIFE until he saw my husband do it everywhere for my mother and I. Now he does it regularly. Someone just needed to show him.

  I let older people go ahead of me in the grocery -- even when they're cranky and don't say thank you and smell like cat pee. I do it because it's right. And there are times in traffic when I say, "yeah, you're welcome asshole" when I've let some nimrod merge, but I don't do it for the appreciation (if I crave appreciation, I'll never become a parent) I do it because it's the right thing to do.

  I'm slightly surprised that this isn't an issue of bigger import, but then, I'm not really surprised. It isn't a big deal, but it is ---> the Bigger Picture.

  Thanks for the imput, all.

  Cheers,
  Reagan

  "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul."