Hello all...again

lookingnow25

Hello everyone...again,

I lurked around here a posted a bit 3 years ago as lookingnow22. The concept was that I had turned 22 years old and had just started looking into my beliefs. Well, here I am 25 now and still looking. I recognize a few posters on here still, glad to see that some people stick to things more than I do. I'm not sure what exactly made me want to come back here, except that I figured I could get a non-JW vewpoint on a few things, while remaining anonymous. Pardon me if I ramble...

This last year I was diagnosed as bi-polar (manic depressive). I've hidden this illness since I was 14. Last August I had an emotional and mental breakdown of sorts and did some stupid things. I'm suicidal and have been since I was a teenager. I've never attempted anything, but think several times a day about killing or hurting myself. Don't panic, this isn't a suicide note. I'm fairly medicated now which has leveled me out quite a bit, but is definately not a fix.

So here's my thoughts. I hate God, and as you can imagine, that makes my life as a JW very difficult. Maybe to clear that up, I hate the God that as a JW I have been taught to believe in. I read experiences of Jehovah providing groceries 'miraculously' for JW missionaries. I'm told of people who go to that 'one more door' only to find someone who was praying to God for help. I've heard of pioneers who were told they were fired for taking off for a district convention, but still have a job when they get back the following week. And yet, this same God, allows me to have no desire to live. This God lets thoughts swirl in my head, causing me hell, for no apparent reason whatsoever.

This all came out last winter after my 'episode' as my parents and wife call it. When I was broke down, I held nothing back, I couldn't. Every doubt and bit of malice I've had toward God and JW's came out to my parents, my wife, and the elders. Their response? I obviously was not "doing thing's Jehovah's way". I needed to study more, I needed to be in service more, I needed to pray incessently. Well folks, I had done it that way. My entire life from 15-21 was nothing but "Jehovah's way". Pioneer, ministerial servant, constant study, you name it. But I still felt this way then, depressed and suicidal I mean, but managed to hide it better. So in my mind I HAVE tried it "Jehovah's way".

Anyway, this is getting long, and I'm sure it's an old story told by many. I'm still a JW, mainly because it doesn't matter to me if I am or not. I love my parents, sisters, and wife dearly. But as I struggle to go to sleep at night, I can't help but feel that God's an asshole. And yes, excuse me for my blasphemy. Well, these are thoughts I can't safely express anywhere else, so thanks for the forum.

Honestly,

looking

maybesbabies

Hi looking, just wanted to give ya one of these: (((((((looking)))))) and say welcome back. It sounds as though life has been very difficult for you. I too have turned away from the big white guy in the sky, after growing up homeless with a schizophrenic mother, and the elders telling us that if we just "do more", everything would be ok. Hang in there, hon, hopefully you can find the support you need here.

Carmel

Welcome back 25. Glad to see you are getting help with the mental anguish. I too can't stomach the God of the OT so loved by the JUU's. I can't believe how many people attribute so much to "God" that can be easily explained. I guess if you live in an OT world of thought, your cosmology is one of blaming or crediting God with that which you can't explain otherwise. Luckily, as the age of reason has forced humans to realize that every event, no matter how small, is not controled by a vengfull, jealous, human created diety. We will always be re-defining what "god is" as we evolve. Too bad it takes such a toll on so many lives in the process.

best regards,

carmel

outoftheorg

Well Now25 it looks like you are having some hard times. Stay on your meds and to hell with the jw's and the wbts.

You are a person like all of us and you deserve being let alone by the elders and live your own life.

There are times in ones life where we have to look out "only for ourselves" for a time. This seems like one of those times.

The further away you can get from the jw religion and its unceasing insistance on creating self loathing. By hinting that all the problems are only because we aren't doing enough in THEIR OPINION. The better off you will be.

Come here and vent your frustrations any time you want.

Best wishes to you and yours.

Outoftheorg

blondie

Welcome, looking.