single in the city

the mole

after reading all the post here today. i found it interesting how we hang on to the old thinking what got us in trouble in the first place..even myself i cannot shrug off some the junk that was implanted in my mind.. i have been out of the org now for almost three years and yet i find myself thinking they way society has taught me.. i have trying to date now it has been very difficult process..i find that im reluctant to new thoughts from some of the girls who i have taken out..i tried the relationship thing for almost a year and she gave up on me...im 38 with a 16 and 13 year old kids and dating is hard enough but the mind garbage is really hard to shake...so to say that i want remain faithful to the Truth? that is a stumbling block to my freedom...and to say i need to have a double life is but another lie to myself and to my kids..therapy my be needed but a specialist for xjw's would need someone with magical powers to suck my brain out and clean it with windex.....

frenchbabyface

I don't know what to say ... really ... So much factors involved
but there is a time for everything ... and the wheel is turning.

best wishes !

Sassy

I'll admit it has been a challenge dating outside the JW box. I thought, hey this will be easy.. no more rules.. no more big brother spying on every thing I do..

but.. all the rules are different..... I can't expect a man to attempt to be a good husband because the elders expect this of them or they'll have that talk with him.. (granted not like it happened.. but there was a structure in place)......so if a man cheats on me.. stays out all hours of the night.....not like he has big brother watching him either??

I wasn't trained for this kind of dating......I still expect to be a good woman in a relationship........that there should be a man for the head (although A BALANCED VIEW )............. but being that way, can get you walked on.....

sure.. they love a woman who is good to them.. but that still doesn't promise they have the same beliefs you do about what kind of person they should be in a relationship

Sassy, who is still trying to figure out this non-JW dating world

Jim_TX

Hell... I'm still trying to find a gal that'll go out more than the one or two times...

Regards,

Jim TX

ballistic

Well, all I can throw in this conversation, is that it has been 10 years since I divorced my wife, and most of this time, I've been telling myself "I'm better off on my own" - having been treated very badly by the girl, very badly indeed. But it's hard now if I get lonely at 33, and look around and see there's not many good women.

joannadandy

Dating is NEVER easy...even for people who weren't mind raped by the JW's.

Honestly I sometimes wonder about people who were married while they were dubs. The majority got married at what, 18, 19...21 if you really had will power...lol...but what I mean is, most of them didn't do much dating. More than likely the ONE you dated was the ONE you married, usually after a pretty short courtship. (Sorry if I am generalizing too much, I am just going on the JW friends I had in my area).

Dating experience was pretty limited before you got married. It's hard enough after a divorce to "get back in the dating scene"...it's even tougher when you were never really IN the dating scene.

That being said, give yourself time. Hell I've been doing it now (worldly style) for about four years...I still don't know what the hell I am doing. And I don't think it is just because of being a witness. Tho I think it used to factor in to my relationships a lot more with people I dated after recently leaving the dubs. It gets less and less the more I am way from it.

THe only key to success is honest and open communication. And I am not even talking between the two parties involved. I mean that lovely little intrapersonal communication too. You have to be honest with yourself. Realistic expectations, hell even just knowing what your expectations are. What you will and will not tolerate. WHat you really want...and then being true to that when you do meet someone.

As FrenchieBaby said...there are SO MANY variables in dating. It's hard to say if you are having trouble because of being a former JW, age, kids, what...or it could just be you haven't met someone you clicked with yet.

I think, as I said before, the important thing is not expecting true love to happen over night. I think as a society (and ex-JW's who used to believe a 6 month courtship was plenty long) we expect love to happen quickly. A lot of times we make the mistake that "Wow, I agree with this person on these several things--WE MUST BE IN LOVE." And that's just kind of immature (because most of us are dating with a lot of immaturity and naivety because of being dubs). The one thing I have learned is (and call me jaded) because the "Worldly" dating pool is so big, there have been PLENTY of people I have really clicked with, and had fun with...but they are not people I should get hyper about and plan to spend the rest of my life with. Again...all those damn variables make it a lot tougher than finding someone who thinks like you.

Anyway--I wish you the best of luck--and anyone else who is in those dating trenches. It's not easy. Take your time, be good to yourself, and eventually you will meet someone who appreciates you and the self-respect you now have for yourself.

Joanna of the "man I can dish the advice" class

Maverick

I have dated a lot since dumping the dubs in dubland! But the woman I am seeing now is a JW. Not active but she does go to some meetings and has raised two child in the borg. They are now putting pressure on her to deal with the big, bad, apostate, (me). I am willing to respect her beliefs and just want that same respect. We have been intimate for over a year and a half but now she is making noise about being a sinner! So I told her I have no problem marrying her. I just want her to be whole souled about making a life with me.

The point in all of this is that for a long time after my very bloody divorce I would never consider marriage. I screwed around and kept the ladies at arms length. This woman wanted me from the very beginning. We met right after my wife dropped out of the picture. Religion was never an issue, now the wicked WatchTower influence is rearing its ugly head. There are no clean deals, but the JW's stupidness can really sneak up on you and kick you when your not looking!

I wish you the best. For you the Borg implants are still a factor, for me it's their control over their collective! Mav

Nosferatu

Mav, your post confused the shit out of me...

So I told her I have no problem marrying her. I just want her to be whole souled about making a life with me.

Huh?

Anyway Mole, JWs don't teach you shit about dating. They teach you to look for someone who's spiritual. That's it. That's how dating is in the JW world. They don't prepare you at all for dating in THE world. You have to basically start fresh and learn all the things you should've learned when you were a teenager.

Go back to being a bit of a stupid teenager. You've got two of them, watch how they act (unless they're JWs). Tease the shit out of the person you're dating. Be like a child full of life and focus on having fun rather than romancing the person you're dating. If you focus on fun rather than romance, I guarantee things will go much better for you. The JWs have sucked all the fun out of you for many years, now it's time to regain it. Take the person you're dating to fun places. Do stupid things like have candlelit happy meals. Be creative, and have fun.

franklin J

...in my dating experience it was mostly "playing it by ear" and trial and error. That is , until I met my wife; developed a relationship which led to a 1 year courtship and marriage. Prior to that I dated ; had 2 serious relationships; dated more; for 6 years.

I can say, in hindsite that dating in the New York City singles scene from 1978-1986 was fun, delerious at times; possibly dangerous ( always careful); but always perplexing. So many variables....

atlantaspace

So Clark Kent, What is stumbling you mentally from using your new dating superpowers?? Witness Kryptonite?? :) Anyway..I'll be 29 in a couple weeks and ironically, I've discovered that women love the fact that my witness background has made me/us different from these other guys with no real trace of spirituality, or at the very least , a unique curiosity worth exploring. Spirituality is not a bad thing as long as you are balanced,realiatic, and loving with it. Some of the "junk" they put it my head such as respecting, loving and communicating with women has actually come in handy. I have also learned that by treating the "older women as mothers and the younger women as sisters in all chasteness" then I have little to no drama with them as I get to know them and then as their friend I still get to know them and enjoy thier company. Women love that and I can't tell you how many friends I made beccause of that. I'm still wondering what's making you trip over your cape..Buzz me back, my email is [email protected] and keep me in the loop....Paul in Atlanta

single in the city

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