How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you
try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to
your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to
the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a
large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the
following fashion:-
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom
via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large
portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This
answers the second question after a night out, 'How did I spend so
much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought
to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking
Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head.
An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.
This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of
Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, that automatically removes, in
descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately
one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite
often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to
the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked
from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending).
These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you
tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half.
Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in
the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System)
explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the
TA (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a
T-shirt.