Still guilty after all these years

by pennycandy 3 Replies latest jw friends

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  pennycandy

  An interesting thing happened when I visited my JW family a couple weeks ago.

  Now, I consider myself a pretty well-adjusted person. I spent the first 30 years of my life in the org., but now I have a wonderful life with my husband and children. I visit this forum every few weeks for entertainment and to keep touch with what's going on, but have pretty much moved on.

  I stayed a week with my parents, and when Sunday morning rolled around, I wondered how I was going to handle it. Will my mother ask if I'm going to the meeting with her? She just thinks I'm lazy about making meetings and probably inactive. As time to get ready got closer and closer, I got more and more nervous. Should I just get the kids dressed and go? It would be kinda nice to see everyone I grew up with. But the pressure and questions would be a pain to deal with. "Which congregation do you go to?" "You must know Brother So-and-so?" and the dreaded "So how are you doing in the Truth?" But then I thought about how I didn't have an excuse to miss it. Nobody was sick; it wasn't first thing in the morning. If I didn't go it would be a deliberate absence. How would that look? I made up my mind I would go. I would surely feel better afterward if I went.

  I stood up feeling the same old dread and the same old guilt. OH MY GOD! What just happened here? The struggle I just had in my head was the same struggle I had for so many years when I thought it would be unappreciative of Jehovah's provisions if I missed a meeting. What in the world was I doing to myself?

  So I slapped myself in the face and snapped back to the real world. I know in my heart going to the KH is not the way God wants me to serve him. I'm a grown up. If I don't want to go to the meeting, it's none of anyone's business. Mom can think what she wants, but I'm not going to be ruled by the same need to please I always was before. It's just crushing.

  I deliberately missed that meeting, and also the book study and service meetings! I didn't make any excuses, just didn't go. And Mom didn't say anything. Of course, after such a blatant act, I'm sure I've sunk to a new low in her eyes. I have a feeling I'll be getting a serious talking to soon.

  Such a small thing, barely an incident at all. It was scary, but also liberating. It also may have been the first step toward losing my family altogether. But it did give me strength. To thine own self be true . . .

  Just thought I'd share.
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  Elsewhere

  ((( PC )))

  I didn't make any excuses, just didn't go.

  There ya go! That's a MAJOR step in leaving the bOrg.

  One of my favorite quotes is: "You are not truly free until you can cancel dinner plans without giving an excuse". I think it applies just as well in this case.
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  Terry

  I like your story and especially how you handled the outcome. You are truly a well adjusted adult. What is particularly important about what you've outlined about your behavior is your ability to separate the emotional from the rational.

  It is human and normal to value our family which includes their opinion of us. But, when we are being valued in return by a standard that is false and warped, we have to recognise the source of any discomfort as being "other" than family. Seeing the whole world, even our own flesh and blood, always filtered through a bizarre cult standard of behavior is a sickness.

  I tend to look at it as I would if I were dealing with a relative who had a cancer, Alzheimers or a brain tumor! I would expect that alien thing to affect how they dealt with me and make allowances. That would be love on my part.

  But, in the case of the "alien" thing being Watchtower belief-systems; well, that is worse than sickness because the cure is so simple: LEAVE!

  You are one of the lucky few who had the intelligent sense of self preservation to LEAVE.

  You guarded your actual self! To lose one's self is the worst crime imaginable.

  Perhaps someday you will be in a position of strength that will enable you to calmly and reasonably present the merest facts to your family that enable you to see the Watchtower society as idolatry. After all, it is those men in Brooklyn who set themselves up as more important than families and even God! A few well chosen facts will allow your parents to see you are not lazy, back-sliding and spiritually sick; but rather, you are mature, rational and well-informed. You are also protecting your own children from having their future's stolen by fear of that wolf, Armageddon, at their door every minute of their lives!

  You are to be congratulated! Marvellous strength you have there! Bravo!

  Terry
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  4JWY

  Pennycandy ~

  Courage to Change

  "It takes great courage and inner strength to change from what is known and comfortable to something which is new and fresh. That which is unknown often contains our greatest potential. To seek that potential by visiting change is the path of true greatness. Such action brings great favor and untold blessings." -anonymous

  4JWY