Portland OR XJW Meet-up - A question from Scott for us all

by Glenmore 3 Replies latest jw friends

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  Glenmore

  My wife (Jill) came with me, only because Ordrade would be there, and we had a good time. I should drink red wine on an empty stomach more often, I'm a cheap drunk! A very nice fellow (Scott) was there. I couldn't find him in the Member Directory above, so I'm not sure if he posts or not. Anyway, Scott isn't (and won't be) a JW. His concerns (and reasons for attending the Meet-up) relate to his children that live with their JW mother. A real concern for him (as you would imagine) is What can he do to protect his children from getting caught up with the JWs?

  I think our basic "answer" was to stay close to them, be the best Dad he can be, take them to the Zoo, do all the things you can to be a Rock for them, and don't make issues out of the JWs in case it backfires, just be there for them - always.

  So the question for us all that I would like to extend for Scott is, What can he do, what should he expect and how can he handle this torment?

  On reflection I think one thing he could do is act a little "favorable to the Truth". I don't mean accept and agree (or take a hypocritaical stance) but he might get a better reception if his former spouse didn't feel attacked (I'm not saying he's in attack mode but you know how the JDubyas are on tilt all the time). When you feel attacked, you dig in, and that can make it worse. It's just a thought, I don't know his wife, him, his kids or the particulars I just know from prior experience that if you go a little over the line toward JW thinking you can get a better reception. Hopefully that makes sense.

  And it was good to see: Matt, Bethany, Marie, Scott, Mailman Dan, Johnny and (of course) Odrade.

  Glen (and Jill) James
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  BrendaCloutier

  
  There is too much in-fighting in most divorces, putting children in the middle and using them as pawns, whether religion is involved or not. Glen, I think your advise is very wise.

  If mother begins to turn kids away from father, then dad needs to continue on the high road. Letting the kids know he won't get involved with the mud-slinging. Also, if kids are old enough, encourage them to think for themselves.

  Hugs to y'all and especially to Scott, wherever he may be

  Brenda

  A quote my spousal unit loves:

  Small minds talk about people
  Average minds talk about things
  Great minds talk about ideas
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  Odrade

  oh boy am I in trouble, I LURRVVE to talk about people!

  Seriously, I think Scott is doing the right thing here. I remember when I met him several months back, his inclination was to jump right in and try to discredit the JWs doctrinally so his x-wife would quit the religion. Sounds reasonable... to anyone who hasn't been in the organization anyways.

  Now he is much more tuned into the idea of stability, encouraging the kids to think for themselves, providing a safe environment to ask questions...

  I think key for Scott, and any parent on the outside of a JW custody arrangement, is recognizing that kids who have a healthy outlet to ask about their doubts re: the Watchtower, rarely get stuck inside the religion forever. One concern though, is that his children will get involved out of a desire to please the mother who has primary custody. All of us know that a mother's love (as a JW) is often distorted into something that is given only when the child lives up to JW expectations. So the immediate concern is one of combatting that influence.

  As someone who still occasionally tries to get mom's approval by doing something I don't want to (even though it still doesn't work) I'm not really sure what answer to give to that. My only thought is that eventually the connection will be made to the "do more" attitude that the WT promotes, and the children will see that failure is built into the system. At that point they will truly appreciate the support and unconditional love they get from their father--not contingent on how many times they answered at the meeting, or whether their WT is underlined for the study.

  O
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  MerryMagdalene

  It might be helpful for him to read the personal account at www.freeminds.org/psych/exithelp.htm . Even though it was written by a father who was once a JW elder, there are still some really valuable tips that could be adapted for use by anyone. He emphasizes questions and listening, and providing a safe comfortable environment where the kids can really open up and talk about their truest, deepest thoughts and feelings. A quote from this account I really like is: "My goal was to never make conclusions for them. Rather, walk them through the material slowly and look at all sides and allow them to make conclusions for themselves. I made no judgements and did not make negative remarks..." This would require familiarizing oneself with certain key issues and beliefs, but just might be worth it. Kids are smart. When presented with intelligent questions and given free access to information, they can figure things out real good for themselves. What is important is the surety that they are loved no matter what. (That's my take on it.)